Dear Emily,

My partner and I are considering a threesome and wondering what are the crucial first steps for getting started.  Our relationship is already solid, but we’re still nervous about bringing someone else into our bedroom. What are the things we can do to make sure this experience is awesome for everyone?

xo, 

Mica

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Dear Mica, 

It’s one of the most enduring fantasies out there…a sexy threesome. From porn search patterns to public surveys, the data is in: a ton of us want this. But making the jump from fantasy to IRL threesome requires some preparation. That’s because there are two kinds of fantasies out there: the one you want to think about…and then, the one you actually want to try. 

If it’s the latter, beautiful! You can totally have a hot, successful threesome where everyone feels good, both before and after the encounter. To get going, here are a few practical pointers:

Broach the Conversation

My #1 threesome tip is this: a good threesome starts with a good twosome. So if you’re in a partnership, talk about this fantasy, and why it appeals to each of you. Also, is there anything about it that concerns you? It’s THIS conversation that will help assess whether a threesome is something you’re reasonably ready for. Here are some tips for that chat:

• Talk about it a lot. I mean, ad nauseum. Your feelings about it may change from day to day, so take a true read on your threesome viability and have a lot of open, honest conversations.
• Don’t do it to fix your relationship. Remember, a good threesome starts with a good twosome. I won’t preach, but trust me: this is a sex act well-suited to stable partnerships. If you’re already on shaky ground, you’re asking for drama during the threesome itself.
• Set boundaries and define compersion. So you’re feeling like good threesome candidates! That’s great. How about boundaries? Are there any sex acts that are off the table? Also, what does compersion look like for each of you? (“Compersion” is a state of happiness or joy when another person experiences happiness or joy.) Everyone is more likely to have fun when you know what’s fulfilling for both of you, and simultaneously, you know what could throw you off your game. Also, what does aftercare look like? Would you like the person you invited to stick around? Leave after the encounter? What do YOU need to re-center as a couple? 

Practice 

Now you’re in prep mode! As you transition the threesome from your imagination to your bedroom, try these tips:

• Dirty talk it out. The next time you’re hooking up, make the threesome itself part of your dirty talk. What would you like to do with a third in bed? What would you like to see your partner doing?
• Watch porn together. We’re not done with threesome porn yet! But this time, I want you to watch for technique. How does everyone stay included, so that no one’s left in a corner? How do they proactively get involved? How do they take turns giving and receiving pleasure? You can answer all these questions and more on Bellesa Plus, the “Netflix” of ethical porn. Cue it up, select “threesome” as the video filter, and get ready for some hot education. 

• Roleplay. Yes, it’s still just the two of you, but imagine a scenario that’s hot to you both: a threesome in a hotel? Threesome with a stranger? It’s ok to get tripped up and laugh! But mentally playing with different situations can help give each of you a better idea of how you’d like to translate this fantasy into real life. 

Find Someone

You’re ready to find a threesome candidate. Fantastic! Here’s how to start looking:

• Decide if it’s someone you know or a stranger. If it’s someone you know, make sure it’s someone you’re both comfortable with, attracted to, and that you’re not just saying “yes” to make the other person happy. As for meeting strangers, discuss how you might go about meeting or approaching them. Will you both try flirting at a party and see what happens? Does a friend of a friend know someone who might be down?  There’s also a more digital option: apps! Try #Open, Feeld, or XConfessions to find play partners for exactly this scenario.
• Attend a play party. If apps aren’t your thing, play parties can be a nice way to immerse yourselves in a sex-positive environment, and chat it up with potential threesome candidates. FetLife is a social media platform that caters to kinksters; it’s also a great place to find a play partner near you.
• Have a date first with whoever it is...and see if there’s chemistry. There may not be! And that’s alright. Apps/photos can tell us a lot, but they can’t tell us everything. Getting together in-person will let you know if there are natural sparks. This is also a time where the three of you can discuss boundaries, including anything that’s off the table. 

The Night Of

 Let’s check the safety basics off the list: use protection, stay mostly sober (if you can), and get crystal clear on your rules and boundaries. After all that’s in place, I advise these steps for the best threesome possible:

• Focus on pleasing everyone. I know I know, that might sound weird, like I’m telling you to be a people pleaser! But what I mean is, be conscientious and generous. No one wants to feel like a third wheel in a threesome, so go the extra mile to give everyone a dose of pleasure. I promise you, it will pay off.
• Communicate before and during the sex. Give positive feedback where you can, like…” that feels so good” or even just moan your pleasure, in a way that indicates: “I’m suuuuper into this.” Also speak up if something’s physically uncomfortable, or if you’d like to change things up a bit. It’s not only OK for all three of you to stay communicative during the encounter; it opens the door for sexy dirty talk.
• Don’t expect perfection. When the threesome is happening, it might not look like the fantasy in your head. That’s OK! Stay present, expect a little awkwardness as you all ease in, and laugh good-naturedly where you can. Sometimes, the silliest, least choreographed sex things end up making the best memories. Remember that you’re all playing and that this is an adventure. 

I hope these tips help! Putting in a little legwork on the front end of a threesome will allow you to relax in the moment. So enjoy the prep, build some anticipation, and look forward to a new, super sexy experience.

xx,

Emily

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Still not satisfied? We got you. For more threesome resources, check out our podcasts, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting a Threesome” and “First Date, First Orgasm, First Threesome.”