Hi Dr. Emily,

I’ve been married 27 years to a great guy: we’re more sexually adventurous now than we were in our 20s. But one area I’m having trouble in is porn. I like watching it, he certainly does, and I thought I’d like to watch it with him. However, when we viewed some together, he kept saying things like “ look at what she’s doing there,” and when the female would say something like “you like it?” to the other actor, my husband answered back “yeah.” 

There’s nothing wrong with being into it. I get that. But I told him I don’t feel good watching it together if he’s doing that because it feels like he’s into the actress instead of us. He says I’m being insecure and it’s not that big of a deal, he doesn’t mean anything by it. For now, we’re just avoiding watching porn together, because of this. 

He’s a loving man overall and I know he’s not trying to upset me. I also know my own insecurities are part of it. But I also think his behavior is a bit insensitive, too. Any thoughts? 

–Debbie

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Dear Debbie,

First of all, I want to commend you and your husband for being sexually adventurous 27 years into marriage. That’s fantastic! It tells me you’re both open-minded about sex, and further, that your sex life is important to both of you. Relationship-wise, you’re already working from a great foundation.

Now then, how to solve for your husband’s enthusiastic porn feedback? I don’t think the solution is either/or. As in, either you ignore it and pretend everything’s fine, or, he stops saying anything. The best solution is probably something in between, so here are three ideas I have for you:

Talk to him outside of a sexual context

Say, when you’re on a walk, or having dinner together. Let him know that you are one hundred percent down to watch porn together, and sure, maybe some personal insecurities get inflamed while watching it (totally normal, btw). But also, tell him that you’d enjoy the experience even more if you felt connected to him while it was happening. That could look like holding hands, making out, or even foreplay…and wouldn’t you know, Good Vibrations has a ton of product options for the latter (toys, arousal gel, and more). 

Make a distinction between personal porn time, and couple porn time

So in my opinion, it’s great that your husband has his own enthusiastic porn commentary, but it’s dismissive when he says you’re being insecure. No, you’re being honest. He says it’s not a big deal? It is to you. And it’s a perfectly valid concern to have, Debbie.

A compromise though could look like this: when he’s alone watching porn, he can compliment the performers all he wants, out loud or in his mind. When you two are together, can he hold back on the performer compliments, to respect your feelings? I think that’s a fair compromise. (And btw, when you’re having your own porn time, might I recommend something to elevate the experience? The Pom by Dame is not only ah-dorable, but flexible enough to hit all your pleasure points while you’re watching.)

Next time you watch, provide your own commentary

Are there any things you find particularly sexy while you’re watching porn with your husband? Because to me, remarks like “look at what she’s doing there” are OK, if they’re in the spirit of sex ideas you can try together. 

So during your next porn-watching sesh, speak up about the parts you’re enjoying. This way, we shift the event from parallel viewing – where you’re watching it side-by-side, each having your own internal experience – to collaborative viewing, dialoguing together about what gets you hot. 

I hope these tips help, Debbie. You sound like a wonderful, understanding partner who’s also self-aware and mature. So try out these three tips, and see if things don’t shift a little bit. Let me know how it goes!

xx,

Emily