Dear Emily,

My partner and I want to orgasm together during sex. The problem is, she can only orgasm in a very specific way: lying down on her back, with her legs absolutely straight, muscles tensed. (She does it while she’s masturbating, with a clitoris toy.) She’s never been able to orgasm during sex with me.  

I’m happy she’s found a position that brings her pleasure, so that’s good. But is there a way to change this? Since it’s a shared desire of ours, I’d love to work together on ways we might eventually experience simultaneous orgasm. I am able to last a fairly long time during sex and my penis is average-sized btw. 

–Dylan

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Hi Dylan,

What you’re describing is actually very common for those with a vulva. I get a version of this question pretty frequently, so don’t worry: you’re not alone, and neither is your partner.

Before diving into what you can do, let me explain why this happens. 

Why some people can only orgasm with their legs straight

The muscle group responsible for orgasm is the pelvic floor. Located between the tailbone and the pubic bone, it acts like a hammock supporting the bladder, the bowel and (for those with a vulva) the uterus.

When you’re first starting to explore your body through masturbation or self-pleasure, you’re typically stimulating your pelvic floor muscles and their nerve endings. The nerve endings here register pleasant sensations, whether it’s from a sex toy, hands or fingers, water etc. 

Over time, some of us develop habitual body positioning that facilitates those pleasant sensations, and helps trigger orgasm. Think: lying down in bed, touching yourself, tensing and relaxing your pelvic floor muscles repeatedly until orgasm…your brain starts to carve out neural pathways associating a certain, very specific position with just the right nerve endings. And, how they perceive pleasure. 

So your partner could have a strong orgasm association with her legs straight, especially since you said “muscles tensed.” She’s probably squeezing her pelvic floor, which engorges the muscle and helps trigger the orgasm response. 

Is it an anatomy issue?

She also might have a slightly retroverted (tilted) uterus, which could affect the positioning of her pelvic floor muscles and therefore, her ability to orgasm. But if she’s going to the OB-GYN regularly, she probably would have been informed by now if that were the case. 

If she does have a retroverted uterus though, certain sex positions could be painful – which certainly short-circuits her ability to orgasm. That doesn’t mean orgasming together during sex is off limits! It just means you have to work together to find sex positions that are comfortable. 

To orgasm together, try a sex wedge 

It takes time for anyone to teach their body to orgasm in a new way. But there’s a tool you can use that should definitely help: a sex wedge. 

A sex wedge is a pillow with a firm inner core and body, designed to lift the hips and booty. For those with a vulva it helps alleviate pain during sex, making any position more comfortable – even more comfortable than standard wedge pillows, because it uses dual density memory foam. It can also help your partner learn a new position to orgasm, as it creates the perfect angle for deeper, more controlled penetration (or still allow her to keep her preferred body position with her legs straight while you penetrate). The Prim by Tabu is perfect for this, it creates up to seven inches of lift and was designed with the help of sex therapists to optimize pleasure. Plus it looks like a regular throw pillow, so you can just have it out on your bed – it blends right in. (Get an automatic 10% off the Prim when you purchase at Tabu) 

As for positioning, here’s what I would recommend:

Missionary

Have your partner place the wedge underneath her booty and hips.

As you penetrate, her legs will straddle yours, which will still allow her to squeeze her legs tightly together. If you find that she still needs to keep her legs together, you can also do the reverse where your legs straddle hers, allowing her to squeeze tightly together. She’s used to clitoral stimulation in his position, and that’s the winner for her orgasm. 

From here, you’ll either want to wear a vibrating penis ring for clitoral stimulation, or, position your weight on your forearms so she can use a small bullet vibe on her clitoris while you thrust. This one is very small, but incredibly powerful. 

Rear Entry

You can also have her try lying facedown on her stomach. Have her place the wedge underneath her hips, which will provide the lift you need for entry. 

As an orgasmic bonus, this position also gives her room to place a wand between her legs to vibrate her clitoris while you thrust! Orgasming here might take time for her since she’s on her stomach, and she’s having to retrain her body. But wand vibes are so powerful that she might find it’s easier to get there than she thought – especially if she’s never used one before. 

Squeeze and Spoon

This will be a more experimental one for you both, but will help your partner engage the same pelvic floor muscles she’s using currently.

Lay on your sides, with her facing away from you. Next, have her place the wedge between her knees. She can bend her knees or keep her legs as straight as possible while you thrust, and it might feel really satisfying to squeeze inward while you penetrate. Plenty of room here for her to use a toy on her clitoris.

More tips for you and your partner as you work on orgasming together:

• Edging. If you feel like you’re getting close to orgasm before your partner, try edging! (Here’s a guide.) You mentioned being able to last a long time during sex, but edging will help you develop even more control. 
• Masturbating with the wedge. Your partner can try all of the positions I mentioned above with the wedge. This might even help her retrain her body faster. 
• Arousal gels. She can also apply an orgasm gel prior to sex or masturbation, which will encourage blood flow to her genitals and make orgasm a bit easier. 

One more thing, I want to turn you on to something that might be useful to you: my new community app, SmartSX. It’s a place where you can ask personal questions exactly like this one and hear from other community members who’ve been through it – and what they did to solve it. Plus live workshops and AMA’s on topics like this! Safe space, great vibes, sex-curious people like you. Get on the email list here and be the first to know when it drops. 

Good luck Dylan! I’m willing to bet that a sex wedge unlocks a lot of possibilities for you, and makes it much easier for you to achieve this goal together. Please keep in touch and let me know how it goes!

Xoxo,

Emily