My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We are still very much in love, but our sex life is not exactly what you would call exciting. Ever since we began having sex, it has always been the same missionary sex position–me on top, her on the bottom–and it’s beginning to get a bit old…
I am afraid that due to her inexperience with sex and relationships, (she has never had a serious boyfriend and had quite a few partners) her idea of what sex truly is and what it can be has been ruined. She seems content with just lying there with me on top.
There is nothing more I would love than to share all of my sexual energy with her and have her express her wants and desires so that we can both be together on a much deeper level, but I am afraid to bring it up!
How do I start a conversation like this, and when should I do it?
Dear Dr. Emily,
I’m wondering if it’s okay to always bring in a clitoral vibrator into the bedroom? It’s the only way I can orgasm, but I don’t want to hurt my partner’s feelings or have them think I’m weird. Thank you!
Feeling the Vibes
Hi Feeling the Vibes,
I love that you’re using toys and know what your body needs to feel pleasure. It can be difficult for women to orgasm in the first place, so you’re already on the right track.
There is nothing shameful about using a clitoral vibrator! I mean, you’re experiencing pleasure, right? Many vulva and vibrator owners keep their toys to themselves out of fear of rejection or offending their partner. But I say, why NOT give your partner a chance to see what the magic is all about?
Like anything, start by being mindful of how to start the conversation. Best not to overwhelm them or pull it out without much warning. Remember the three T’s of communication: timing, tone, and turf. Bring it up outside of the bedroom and start by having a casual and playful conversation. Maybe start with a specific thing you love or memory you have about your sex life with them. Be honest and open about your experience with toys. Explain that you think toys might be a fun way to increase the pleasure even more for both of you.
Once you’ve had an open conversation now you can start playing. I always find it helps to show my partner how it works, even demonstrating on their body so they get a sense of how amazing vibrations can feel, no matter what parts you have!
Get creative, and even let them take control—the We-Vibe Chorus is a great clitoral vibrator for couples and can be totally hands-free. Maybe bring out some massage oil, like Exsens. You can massage their body and start to tease them with the vibe. Once they know how good it feels, they’ll better understand why you love it so much.
There’s no shame in always needing a vibrator, but I would also encourage you to keep experimenting. Our brain memorizes masturbation patterns, so it may take time and effort to discover new methods.
And of course, have lots of fun. Many couples find that bringing a toy into their relationship not only enhances pleasure but also strengthens their intimacy. Happy vibing!
They say good things come to those who wait, but when it comes to losing your virginity, it can feel like quite the opposite.
We all have different experiences, and different feelings about taking that epic step into adulthood. Regardless if you were an early, late, or totally on-par bloomer, there’s no denying the conversation surrounding virginity can be a tricky one to tackle.
This doesn’t mean that the conversation should be avoided. So to kick off the discussion and throw our own two cents into the mix, here’s a mashup of some of our best virginity-themed blogs and podcasts.
I’m a late bloomer when it comes to masturbation and having orgasms. (I didn’t even know that women could masturbate until I was in my twenties!)
Now I’m figuring out what turns me on, what movements I like, and what doesn’t work. I even have a wonderful partner who is totally on board to help me figure it out.
Sometimes when I masturbate, or when my partner fingers me to climax, this weird thing happens: My body spasms, and it’s kind of painful (usually in just the pelvic area).
I can’t hold my vibrator to my clit any longer or I push my partner’s hand away, even though I feel that I could have gone deeper into the orgasm. It totally keeps me from just melting into the experience.
I’m wondering if I’m pushing myself to climax before I’m fully warmed up? Is that a thing? Or is this a serious issue that I might have to get looked at?
I’m a single mom and my daughter is 2 years old.
I’ve tried online dating apps, but the guys back off after a couple of days. Do guys not want to date single mothers?I’ve lost hope in finding a relationship. Please help me, Emily!
When I was 17 years old, I had never orgasmed, despite having had one or two sexual partners. I read that placing your clit right underneath running water is a way to reach orgasm! So, I tried it. And to this day, it is the only way I can climax.
I have a serious boyfriend now, but I don’t orgasm with him. What do I do? Am I doomed to only come in the presence of running water?
May, age 19
I’m very open-minded sexually, but I have a hard time accepting my boyfriend’s porn habit.
We have a great sex life and try new things, but he still watches porn. I can’t help wondering…aren’t I enough? Is he comparing me to these women? Is that how he wants me to act? It isn’t fair for me to ask him to stop, so how can I get used to it? Please help!
Janine, 27, Iowa
I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. He recently transferred law schools, so now we’re in a long distance relationship. I really value physical touch in love-language-speak and, well, long-distance makes that a bit difficult.
Do you have any recommendations for keeping things hot?
Amy, 27, SC
After being with a few guys, I’ve noticed that it doesn’t matter the size of a guy’s penis or where we’re having sex—whether it be the couch, floor, or bed—but if I’m on top of him, his penis is always slipping out! It’s usually when it’s getting good, and I probably get carried away. But my question is: Am I doing something wrong? And how do I stop it from slipping out?
I recently started seeing a guy, and although his penis is magnificent and huge, it’s an even huger problem. I’m a petite woman, and so far, sex with him has been very painful. I’ve managed to get through it multiple times, but I’m always incredibly sore afterward.
Is there anything I can do to lessen the pain, or is the fact his penis is too big something I’ll have to get used to?