BDSM (or Bondage, Domination, Sadism, and Masochism) is one of the most popular kinks for many reasons. Some people love relinquishing control in the bedroom, while others prefer to “play boss” and take charge. Plus, there’s something incredibly erotic about trusting your sexual partner enough to surrender in the bedroom. It’s a vulnerable act—and one that often leads to a heightened connection and very rewarding (and super hot) sex. 

For those who don’t know, a dom is the dominant person in BDSM and sub is the submissive, or the one relinquishing control. Some partners take turns exploring these roles while others commit to either domming or subbing. If you and your partner are fans of BDSM (or want to start exploring the kink), think about bringing the power dynamics beyond the bedroom and into your cell phones. Yep, we’re talking about sexting.

Text messages are kinda the perfect set-up for domming. After all, a dom’s role is to guide and control the sexual scenario, which can be done via text through commands, questions, or rule-setting. (More on that below!) Texting also elongates eroticism by creating feelings of “oooh, what next?” You or your partner can use your creative writing skills to build tension and plot your adventures before you and your partner can connect IRL. 

If you’re hoping to bring more dominance into your text messages, then read on. (And of course, consent is key for any BDSM activity, including communicating via text, so be sure to get permission from all parties before getting started.) 

What to text?

Getting started is often the hardest part, so we’re here to help you “lubricate” the situation. Here are some ideas to help you send that first text. 

Questions

The best doms are the ones who really get to know their subs (or submissives). To do that, you need to ask, listen, and learn. Ask your sub questions about what they like, what turns them on, what their boundaries are, and what they would like to try, but haven’t. And make sure not to judge their responses. We support a shame-free environment for everyone. Consider: 

• “What’s your favorite way for me to make you feel good?”
• “What do you like the most about playing with Daddy/Mistress?”
• “How do you like to touch yourself?”

Rules

Once you have listened and learned from your sub, you can text some ground rules to lay down your law. These might include setting parameters around masturbation, but you can get creative and set rules unique to you and your partner’s specific interests. If it’s an intense rule or something that might shock your partner (and not in a good way), have an in-person conversation about it first to get consent. For example: 

• “At no time will you touch me unless you have asked permission.” 
• “You’re not allowed to play with yourself until I say so.”
• “You can only tease yourself until I give you permission to orgasm.”

Instructions

Maintain your dominance and keep your subs occupied (and therefore, in your control) by texting them throughout the day. You might give them commands and instructions to masturbate at particular parts of the day or instruct them on what to wear or eat to take better care of themselves. (Doms can be loving!) Perhaps:

• “I want you to tease yourself all day today.” 
• “I’ll be home in an hour. I want you naked and on the bed when I walk in.”
• “Put on the blue dress I picked out for you for dinner tonight.”

Discipline and Correction

Texting either your pleasure or displeasure with a sub helps to correct bad behavior and reinforce good behavior. Some ideas for punishment are the removal of privileges, standing or kneeling in a corner, or texting them to edge themselves or inflict pain. (Nipple clamps, anyone?) Suggestions: 

• “Bad boy. You can’t orgasm tonight.” 
• “Good girl. I’ll go down on you for an hour as a reward.” 
• “As a punishment, I’m going to tie you up and tease you later.” 

Repetition and the “Call and Response”

Remember: you want your sub to know they’re you’re sub. Another great way to establish an ongoing connection in a dom and sub relationship is to text repeat commands and questions, in what we like to refer to as a “call and response.” Repeating variations of the same question or requiring your sub to answer in the affirmative not only establishes your dominance but also “trains them” to seek positive results.  For example:

• “Does baby girl deserve daddy’s attention?” 
• “Did you follow all of the rules today, as I requested?” 
• “Understand?” 

Other Important (and Hot) Considerations

Sexting isn’t just about what you say—but how you say it. Before you get into your digital dom play, think about the following.

Third-Person

Using third-person to refer to yourself is a great way to establish some credibility and dominance. For some, it’s more powerful to receive a text from a dom saying: “Daddy is going to punish you,” than simply “I am going to punish you.” If your partner is into this, give it a go and see how the power dynamics shift. 

Timing

It takes time to respond and text back and forth with a sub. You need to decide whether you have the time to follow up on commands. (Like probably don’t start sexting before you go into a two-hour meeting.) Either you can do the texting in real-time, or you communicate that there will be times you cannot respond.  

You don’t want your sub to be waiting for your response (unless that’s part of the game.) But in most cases, it leaves the sub feeling rejected and ignored. You want to be able to keep the flow of texts going in batches at least—without a major interruption preventing your response for hours.

Aftercare and Checking In

Don’t forget to check in with your sub via text with messages that are as nurturing as you were dominating! It’s important to balance the control aspects of BDSM with something that’s loving and compassionate. Remember that subbing, even through text, is an incredibly vulnerable act. 

Now that you have some tips on text domming, whip out your phone and send a sexy command. Consider that an order!