How to Dom with Your Text Messages

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For all the BDSM lovers out there, you know that distance can put a wrench in your dynamic. Luckily, texting can be a great way to dom a partner. Texting is fun because you can do it anytime, anywhere. It also elongates the BDSM play—you can use this as a way to increase arousal or practice foreplay before the main event.  

Here are some ways you can dominate someone via text. As always, consent is key for any and all BDSM activity, including communicating via text, so be sure to get permission from all parties before getting started.

What is a dom?

A dom (short for “dominant”) is someone who leads the sub (a.k.a. “submissive”) through a BDSM scene or in an ongoing dynamic. Most of our perceptions of “domming” (i.e., dominating) someone might come from the collective imagery we are bombarded with via the media. Cue the classic pics of a dom in a suit and tie with the scantily clad submissive on their knees. Or a dom hovering over a chained sub with a flogger. Or the entire 50 Shades Of Gray series. The reality of domination in today’s world includes not just the in-person fun, but also the reality of how we communicate in general as humans: via text.

A majority of commands can come via text. A dom can send a sub a text instructing them to prepare for a session, send texts back affirming commands, or even follow up and be accountable on tasks.

What to text?


The best doms are the ones who really get to know their subs. In order to do that, you need to listen and observe. Ask your sub questions about what they like, what turns them on, what their boundaries are, what they would like to try but haven’t. Make sure you don’t judge any of their responses. You can start to describe what you want them to do and get their consent for the activities in the scene. You can still surprise your sub, as long as you have gotten their consent.

If it’s early on in the dynamic, consider using a yes/no/maybe questionnaire or kink list to formulate your text questions.


Soft and hard limits. Safe words. Safe signals. These are all part of establishing a protocol and a set of rules to govern the dynamic and any individual scene or play session.

Once you have listened and learned from your sub, you can text some ground rules. I find it best to list out the rules, using bullet points or numbers for each point so that it is easier for the sub to understand. For example, you could text a rule such as: “At no time will you touch Mistress unless you have asked permission.” 


Instructions you can text throughout the day are another way you can maintain your dominance with your sub and keep them occupied. You might give them commands and instructions to masturbate at particular parts of the day or instruct them on what to wear or eat to take better care of themselves. 

I advise my clients to text instructions to their sub prior to a scene, rather than speaking to them. Yes, even when you are in the same house! You can text your sub from the next room, a parked car, or from work. Having instructions in writing is a great way to ensure your sub can review them more than once and be sure of what you are asking of them.

Instructions for prepping a BDSM scene are not limited to the hour before the scene. In fact, if you have special instructions for what your sub should be wearing, you should send those with enough time for the sub to either order the items or find and clean them. This also applies to any toys you’ll use during your session.

Discipline and Correction

Texting either your pleasure or displeasure with a sub helps to correct bad behavior and reinforce good behavior. Some ideas for punishment are the withdrawal of privileges, standing or kneeling in a corner, or texting them to edge themselves or inflict pain (for example, by using nipple clamps).

Repetition and the “Call and Response”

A great way to establish an ongoing connection in a D/s relationship is to text repeat commands and questions, in what I like to refer to as a “call and response.”

Here is how this works: You text a question you have asked before but the answer of which you want to be reinforced in the sub’s mind. For example, you ask: “Does babygirl deserve daddy’s attention?” or “Do you deserve it?” when referring to a reward or pleasure. Repeat variations of this question, requiring your sub to answer in the affirmative, thereby not only establishing your dominance but also training them to seek positive results.

You can also ask questions about (consensual) ownership and past punishments. For example, you can text: “Do you remember what happened last time you got bratty with Mistress? What happened?”

In addition, every time you give a command or instruction or threat of punishment, you can follow up with strong words to emphasize your directives, such as: “Understand?” or  “Is that clear?”

Other Things to Consider When Texting


Using third-person to refer to yourself is a great way to establish some credibility and dominance. It is more powerful to receive a text from my Dom saying: “Daddy is going to punish you,” than “I am going to punish you.” Using third-person seems less weird when texting in contrast to using it in person, so it is a good chance to use this tactic.


It takes time to respond and text back and forth with a sub. You need to decide whether you have the time to follow up on commands. Either you can do the texting in real-time, or you communicate that there will be times you cannot respond. You don’t want your sub to be waiting for your response, say, if you gave them the command to refrain from going to the bathroom, or orgasming once they started masturbating. Not cool. It leaves the sub feeling rejected and ignored. You want to be able to keep the flow of texts going in batches at least–without a major interruption preventing your response for hours.

Aftercare and Checking In

Don’t forget to check in with your sub via text after you have a play session or scene! You’ll want to give them lots of cuddles and attention to help make up for such a saucy session.

Now that you have some tips on text domming, whip out your iPhone and send a sexy command.

Emily Anne is a bestselling author, sex coach and educator, who specializes in helping people expand their sexual horizons through BDSM and kink. When she’s not obsessively talking about sex, she’s hiking through the Hollywood Hills. Get some sexy education on her Instagram feed.