Two of the most powerful sex accessories you could ever possess are already in your hands. That’s because they are your hands. 

Think about it: hands set the tone of your sexual energy. It’s the difference between caressing their cheek while you kiss, versus pinning their wrists down while you have sex. And while I talk a lot about what to do with your mouth or genitals during sex, hand play is a lost art…and in layman’s term, I’m specifically talking about fingering and hand jobs.

So here are my favorite tricks for penetrating a vulva with your fingers, and upgrading the trusty hand job. Think of this as your guide to having the hottest foreplay ever, or elevating these into stand-alone, orgasmic sex acts. 

Fingering and Vulva-Pleasing

Being penetrated with fingers can feel amazing, since there’s more dexterity than a toy or penis. But ask anyone with a vulva – it can feel a little shocking if your finger dives right in, seconds into making out.

So my first tip is to tease the area above the clothes first, while you’re having foreplay. What you’re trying to do is build arousal, not accidentally trigger a person’s fight or flight response. (If you go in too fast, that’s exactly what could happen, with their body involuntarily tensing up.)

You want them to crave penetration with your fingers, so take your time exploring above their clothes and underwear, with rubbing, teasing, and slight pressure. This is also an IDEAL time to bust out a finger vibe, like the Dame Fin, which turns your fingers into a vibrator. It feels super pleasurable when you run it along their nipples, their inner thighs, or on their clitoris while you foreplay. 

Once you’re touching them directly (no underwear), try…

• Exploring the area around the vaginal opening. You can brush your fingers along their labia, gently rub their clitoris, all while listening for the telltale sounds of pleasure: heavy breathing, moaning, etc. Pro tip: use the toy here too.

• Applying lube (even if they’re already wet). We’ve been conditioned to think that lube is for penetrative sex only, but since the clitoris is not self-lubricating, the right lube will enhance their pleasure. I’m obsessed with the lubes from Playground, which all smell subtle and erotic, and give just the right amount of sexy slip.

• Inserting a finger, and applying pressure. Move your finger in a slight up and down motion here. It’s not digging for change – not a curling of the fingers – but a motion more similar to a penis or dildo during penetrative sex.

• Finding the G-spot. When your fingers are inside, make a “come here” motion, pointing your fingers towards your partner’s belly (almost like you’re trying to stroke their belly button from the inside.) You’ll know you found it because it will feel like a bean-shaped bump and may be more textured than the surrounding tissue. If you don’t find it right away, don’t stress – everyone’s body is different. The most important thing is you’re both enjoying yourselves!

• Experimenting with different pressure and angles. Go slower than you think…even though you’re “in,” you can still mimic the energy of teasing. 

• Trying kinky add-ons. You can finger while going down on them with your mouth, which feels truly incredible. You can “tease” them by asking if they want more fingers. OR if they’re into it, you can do this sex act and nothing else – not even kissing – and watch their reaction while they receive pleasure. Very voyeur/exhibitionist vibes. 

And of course, you can go in that order or mix up any of those techniques depending on the mood. 

Handjobs and Penis-Pleasing

Now let’s give the penis some love. The handjob is a tried and true classic – but what techniques turn it into something unforgettable? 

Of course, I’m also going to recommend teasing here. Meaning, before you undo their pants, place your hand on the outside of their clothes and slowly rub. You can also start applying pressure with light grips. Same tips apply as the vulva: you’re wanting to build arousal and anticipation, so they can’t wait for you to touch them directly. Once you are, try…

• Applying lube (not saliva) to your hands, and sliding it along the shaft. Way more comfortable and pleasurable for them, plus you don’t have to keep spitting into your hand. 

• Playing with intensity of your grip, keeping it light at first. You can also lightly brush the head of the penis – aka, the most sensitive part of the penis. 

• Wrapping your hand around the shaft, beginning to gauge the pressure and rhythm that your partner likes the most. Don’t clasp too hard! Instead, keep a loose grip with your focus on movement. You can occasionally graze your fingers back over the head, or add in a twisting motion.

• Incorporating dirty talk, like telling them how hot their penis is, or telling them what you can’t wait to do later… 

• Exploring the testicles. Some folks like it when you cup their testicles, so see if they prefer a gentle or firm hold. 

• Trying two hands. For example, one on their shaft, the other on the testicles. Or both on the shaft simultaneously, with the top one grazing the head every so often. You can also ask them to join you by wrapping their own hand around the shaft, as you use yours on the head, testicles, or perineum: the nerve-rich area of skin between testicles and anus.

• Putting a vibrating penis ring on them. The vibrations reach even deeper into their body, stimulating nerve endings they didn’t know existed…while you glide your hand up and down the shaft. This is a hand job masterpiece.

Penis rings help them stay erect, give them a ton of pleasure, and transition perfectly into penetrative sex. Aka, they feel orgasmic to you if they keep it on during penetration, vibrating against your clitoris / anus while you have sex. 

Valid reasons a partner may NOT want hand play

While I hope you’re excited for hand play, there are situations where a partner doesn’t want it, and it’s totally OK for them to decline. Here are a few common reasons:

• If they’ve got a vulva, getting fingered might feel clinical, like they’re at the OB-GYN’s office. Conversely, they may shy away if your hands aren’t washed and your nails aren’t trimmed. (If that’s the case, you know what to do!)

• They may have also had a bad experience with hand play in the past, where someone was too abrupt and shoved their fingers in too soon.

• If they’ve got a penis and they’re not fully erect yet, maybe they’re self-conscious and don’t want you to touch them just yet.

• They may also not love the feeling of a dry hand job. (Reach for lube!)

Most of these situations can be addressed with communication and compassion. So if it’s a new partner especially, a quick check-in like “how’s this?” goes a long way, before your hands are in their underwear. 

Go forth and hand play

High five! You know how to give someone lots of sexual pleasure with your hands now, along with a few sexy upgrades. 

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