Ask Emily: How Do I Have Good Sex During Menopause?

couple together
Dear Emily, 

My wife is going through menopause and her sex drive is totally shot these days. I want to be a supportive partner but I also want to bring the magic back to our sex life. Any tips?


– Partner in Life & Menopause

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Dear Partner in Life & Menopause,

You’re a fantastic partner for trying to help your wife (and yourself) reclaim your sex life. Menopause is a huge time of change for vulva owners, but having the right tools makes it soooo much easier to get aroused and have good sex during menopause. Speaking of which, your wife might discover that menopause is actually an opportunity to go deeper with her sexual self-knowledge and re-define good sex and what feels good for her. Her hormones are changing, so she can’t always rely on hormones alone to “feel” sexual—but instead, she can find out what her turn-ons are, and use those to help you two have good sex during menopause.  

As for you? My biggest recommendation is to help your wife feel good in her body, which can help rekindle the magic that you miss. Here’s how:

Words of Affirmation

It’s one of the five love languages for a reason: words matter! And right now, your wife might be battling some negative self-talk. The majority of vulva owners experience symptoms during this time, like hot flashes, vaginal dryness, anxiety, and even pain…so you can imagine the mental chatter that ensues. (Namely, “WTF is happening to my body?!”) 

Keep the communication lines open with compliments and affection, but don’t smother her either. Give her space when she needs it because menopause is stressful enough. We don’t want to add to the stress by making her feel like she’s letting you down. If you can be patient, but let her know she’s still smokin’ hot to you, you’re in a great spot.

Now then: for symptom support, I’ve got a go-to brand that I recommend for menopausal needs, and I urge you to check it out too: Womaness! It’s a woman-owned company with awesome products for queries like yours. That brings me to…

Toy Love

Does your wife have a vibrator? If not, this is really going to help her out, by keeping blood flowing to her vulva. The Gold Vibes vibrator from Womaness is spectacularly pleasurable, and I think she’ll love it for both solo sex and partnered playtime. Because vaginal dryness is a common symptom of menopause, you might get her a water-based lubricant as well, to slick it before sex. 

Sexy Supplements

Another thing your wife might try is a good supplement, with ingredients specifically designed to target menopause symptoms. Alleviating those could help her feel a lot more comfortable, and Me.No.Pause. is a supplement by Womaness made with Bacopa monnieri. Clinical studies have shown that this one ingredient significantly increases emotional wellbeing, memory, and attention, so if your wife complains about “brain fog”—bingo! Me.No.Pause. is an ideal supplement for that. (And side note: it’s also got other ingredients that enhance libido.)  

Cooling Sprays

Imagine breaking into a random sweat at night, and waking up with soaking sheets. That’s the lovely reality of hot flashes! Super uncomfortable, but once again, I’ve got a recommendation for that: Womaness’s Gone in a Hot Flash cooling mist spray.

Made with essential oils, this is a micro-mist that calms the skin after a hot flash and absorbs smells too. Plus, it’s non-irritating and safe to use anywhere, from face to body to between the legs. Ooh la la.

Get active.

Finally, my last recommendation is to exercise together. Women at this life stage experience a higher degree of sexual desire when they work out, and that’s just not my opinion—it’s science! Moderate weight training can boost testosterone levels, which will help a lot in the arousal department. But it also keeps blood flowing, which helps keep her vulva sensitive (in a good way) to touch. And make sure she’s doing her kegels: these lead to more intense orgasms, which I think we can safely assume is a win-win for both of you! 

I hope these tips help. The most important thing to remember is that your wife can embrace change, without letting it defeat her. Fortunately, she’s got you by her side to face this change together.