The new year’s so close, we can taste it. And around this time, everyone loves to trot out their resolutions, and/or their new year’s word (mine is “pleasure,” in case you’re wondering).
But general resolutions aside, have you thought about your sex resolutions?
So much of the time, we treat sexual pleasure as opportunistic. “If I get the opportunity to have a threesome, I’ll say yes.” This type of thinking is fine, unless there’s an experience you genuinely, deeply desire, and feel like you’re at the mercy of other people or external circumstances to make it happen.
This leads to frustration. So if there’s a sexual experience you definitely want to have next year, here are two things to keep in mind:
- When goal-setting aligns with your values, you’re far more likely to achieve success.
- When you have a well-defined goal, create a plan of action, then send it to a supportive friend, you’re far more likely to achieve success, as this study shows.
So let’s walk through how to create a sex resolution, and how to logistically turn it into a reality.
Step 1: Start with a big list
Think about sexual experiences that sound new and exciting, then write them all down. Need inspiration? Check out my Yes No Maybe List for a ton of ideas.
Step 2: Narrow it down
Shorten your list to a realistic set of resolutions. But before you cross any off, reflect on your core values, and write those down too. For example: “my values include passion, cooperation, and flexibility.” If you need help with this step, here’s a very cool sexual values exercise.
Once you’ve identified a few core values (three is plenty), take a look at your sex resolutions list, and see which activities most align with those values. For example, if you went with the passion / cooperation / flexibility values above, “threesome” might speak to all of those.
Go through each idea, crossing off any that doesn’t align with your core values. Get the list down to 1-3 ideas.
Step 3: Give yourself a rough time frame
This is where we get tactical. So pause here, and ask yourself: “do I really want this?” If the answer is yes, proceed. If it sounds like too much work, you can always stop and do it the other way (cross your fingers and hope that it happens! There’s much less science or probability with that method, but hey, you do you.)
Next to each resolution, write down a guesstimate for when in the year you’d like it to happen. Think about other life events (travel, holidays, family commitments, etc.) and whether those will help or hurt the resolution as it comes to fruition.
So for example, if a threesome is my resolution, and I’m a married, working parent, I’m going to factor in a few things: a) the time it will take to talk about the idea with my partner and get their feedback, b) when I’ll have time off work, and c) when I’ll have guaranteed childcare. Taking all those factors into consideration, I can write down “summer 2023” next to “threesome.”
(Extra credit? Send your resolution and timeframe to a sex positive friend, who can be your accountability buddy and cheerleader.)
Step 4: Break it down into mini-steps
Time to work backwards. To make your resolution happen, what steps do you need to take to get there?
Keeping with the threesome example, you could make the following checklist:
- Talk to my partner about it
- Decide if I want to do this with people I know, total strangers, or a mix
- Determine where I can find play partners (apps, friends, play parties, etc.)
- Reach out to potential play partners
- Determine location
- Set a date
I know, I know: I can just hear you saying: “but Emily these logistics are kinda un-sexy.” This thinking arises from the unfortunate cultural assumption that good sex is spontaneous. But that’s not true: here’s an article on scheduled sex to prove it. What’s sexy is you going after a deeply pleasurable experience, and having the discipline to make it happen.
Step 5: Do it – then write about it
You did it: you completed your sex resolution. Fantastic! Now, write about it.
This is a crucial step, because you’re going to want to look back later on at how it went, and what you learned. Let’s say it was a threesome, and you did it with your long term partner, plus a friend. How was that dynamic? Did everyone feel good about the experience? If you do it again, will you keep this set-up, or try something different?
On your journey to becoming a fully-realized sexual human, being intentional is key. So follow these steps as you head into the new year, and right now, come talk to me on Instagram: @sexwithemily. I’d love to hear what your sex resolutions are, so I can cheer you on all year long.