Dear Emily,

I’ve been in a sexual rut, so I’m looking for some fun ways to get excited about sex again. I’ve heard you suggest erotica as a way to get turned on, but I find the majority of porn to be a huge turn-off (especially the kind my guy watches). Am I missing something here? Or is there porn out there that’s better for me? And if so, how do I find it?

Sincerely,

Angelica

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Dear Angelica,

You are not alone in your porn predicament. The truth is, there are plenty of women out there who feel just like you, who want to enjoy porn but don’t and they aren’t sure why. What many of us don’t realize is that most of the porn we’ve seen traditionally is made for men by men. The porn you’re watching was probably not made with you in mind.

That’s because a large portion of today’s pornography is aimed at heterosexual men, and men are visual creatures; they get turned on by things they can see. From the male perspective, boobs, butts, and vaginas—and the way they can be used for male pleasure—make porn the perfect medium for getting guys off.

Women, on the other hand, are wired a little differently. We get turned on by a complex cocktail of emotion, attraction, and aesthetics, and we like porn that stimulates us on multiple levels. This is why erotic material with intricate storylines has proved to be so popular among women (hello, Fifty Shades). We love to see beautiful people in flattering lighting act out our fantasies. We want to see sexual chemistry (and believable orgasms). At the very least, we want to see porn that highlights female pleasure. 

Good news to women everywhere — there is porn out there that can get you in the mood. Female sexuality is a complex thing, with few women responding the same way to stimuli. One woman’s trashy porn could be another one’s treasure, which makes it difficult to pinpoint what will work for you. My best advice to you is to start your exploration with some female-friendly erotica, whether it’s video or audio. 

Let’s hear it for ethical porn.

Not all porn is created equal. Some ethical porn is considered more female-friendly because it is usually created by women, for women of all sexualities, depicting their fantasies. This type of erotica uses sex-positive imagery, emphasizing mutual consent and respectful relationships. The performers aren’t forced to do anything on screen they don’t feel comfortable doing. The vulva-owners involved are often shown enjoying sex as much as their penis-owner counterparts, meaning there are fewer gag-inducing blowjobs and “money shots” and more realistic orgasms. These films can vary in intensity, ranging from soft to hardcore, but they all have one thing in common: a clear respect for women.

Find something cinematic.

For some of the best ethical porn, check out Bellesa Plus, which is known as the “Netflix of porn. All of the content on Bellesa focuses on real connection and emphasizes genuine pleasure. Plus, Bellesa porn is super hot with good storylines and NO fake orgasms. For as little as $1/month, you can get unlimited access to a library of over 50 channels and 30 adult studios—including award-winning reality porn series Bellesa House – where female pornstars actually choose who they want to have sex with. Guilt-free porn at its best!

Focus on the words.

There is an abundance of sex-positive, female-focused material out there just waiting to turn you on, and it’s not limited to video content. For women who enjoy words, you can find really tasteful audio erotica or traditional erotica on Bellesa Plus as well. (Think of it as a one-stop-shop for all of your ethical porn needs.) 

The right kind of porn will arouse you. It will introduce you to sexual acts, positions, and erogenous zones that you may want to explore. And the best kind of porn will spark new fantasies and desires, and even empower you to reenact them.

xx,

Emily