What’s a Sexual State of the Union & Why Should You Have One?

If you listen to my show, or follow any contemporary sex education platform, then you’ve probably heard these words a lot: “communicate with your partner” and my personal favorite: “communication is a lubrication.” 

But how do you normalize sex conversations with your partner, so that bringing up your sex life doesn’t automatically feel like criticism? 

A major reason I wrote my book, Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure, was to provide actual scripts you could rip right from the pages. And this is the reason why:

The sex education we got as young people taught us nothing about communication.

Many of us did not hear these words during our school’s sex ed class: “consent,” “pleasure,” “boundaries,” or heaven forbid, “desire.” 

Which is why we all need some help, finding the right words. But here is something most people miss, when talking about sex with their partners.

It’s easier to talk about sex with your partner when you have ritualized time set aside for it.

Not just when your sex life is in crisis. But on the regular. 

I call this time the Sexual State of the Union, and I talk about it at length in Smart Sex. Ideally, you’d have this talk about once a month: a time to discuss new things you’d like to try, explore each other’s desires and fantasies, and find out ways you can be better lovers to one another. Here’s a taste. 

The Sexual State of The Union

Adapted from Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure

My goal is for sex to become something that you talk about in your relationships with the same level of comfort, normalcy, and intention as planning a vacation or where to go on a fun night out. With open communication and the right mindset you can create the sex life of your dreams. To get there, it’s important to have a clear understanding of what’s currently working in your sex life for both you and your partner and what isn’t. The Sexual State of the Union is a great way to get this conversation started.

This can be a fun conversation to have on a date night and it can even serve as a form of conversational foreplay. Remember that if your partner says “I don’t know” to a lot of these questions, they probably just haven’t yet identified their turn-ons. Rather than going in expecting your partner to know every one of their kinks, fantasies, fetishes, and desires, start with your own vulnerability, stay curious, and keep the conversation light and flirty. Remember, this should be fun, not stressful!

These questions will get you going, but as time goes on and you have more of these conversations, feel free to tailor the questions to your relationship.

  1. When you think about the hottest sex we could ever have, what does it look like?
  2. What’s your favorite memory of sex we’ve had as a couple?
  3. What was a moment recently when you felt super turned on?
  4. May I share something I’d like more of during sex?
  5. What would you like to see more of in our sex life?

Those are 5 of the questions. For all 10 (and oh-so-much more), pre-order Smart Sex right now.

If you enjoy sex talk scripts like this one, my communication chapter is full of them. And hey, little bonus: when you pre-order my book and provide proof of purchase here, you’ll instantly get my new, interactive Yes! No! Maybe? Guide. This free bonus content is only available when you pre-order your copy (officially out June 13), so go ahead…jump on it.

For more communication tools like these, check out my guides, and sign up for my weekly newsletter to get sexy tips on the regular.