We all want to love and be loved. But sometimes, our affectionate expressions get lost in translation. That’s why knowing your “love language” is such a powerful tool for communication and relationships. According to author Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five distinct ways we feel and experience love, and these love languages predict the ways we feel cared for, seen, and appreciated. If you want to discover your own love language, you can take the quiz right here.
Many of us have primary and secondary love languages, and of course, these affect our romantic partnerships. But they also affect our parenting, work relationships, and friendships, which is why becoming fluent in the love languages can help you better communicate your needs…and, help you understand how someone else may express theirs.
Below, we break down the significance of love languages and walk you through each one.
How do love languages affect relationships?
Let’s say your partner rubs your feet after a long day. To you, that caring touch goes much deeper than pain relief: it makes you feel like they recognize your hard work. So to return the favor, you offer to give them a foot massage… only to have them say, “no thanks.” What just happened?
While physical touch might be your love language, it may not be your partner’s. Instead, they feel super loved and appreciated when you wash the dishes or make the bed. It’s not that either of you is doing anything wrong — you just have different ways of showing and receiving affection.
When we don’t learn to recognize one another’s love languages, we can end up feeling unappreciated—but when we do, we learn to notice all the little ways someone else is telling us, “I love you.” So here are the five languages, and how they can show up in relationships.
Acts of Service
Changing your car’s oil, cleaning the kitchen after dinner, giving you a ride to the airport: these are acts of service, and a person who receives love this way equates affection with help. They appreciate gestures that demonstrate love in clear, concrete ways as opposed to just hearing “I love you:” rather, it’s all about lifting some responsibility off another person’s shoulders. They love it when you offer useful actions.
If your partner has Acts of Service as their love language, ask if you could help them with housework or put air in their tires. If you really want to give them a treat, ask what their least favorite task on their to-do list is, and then do it before they can even ask you! In turn, if your partner expresses their love in acts of service, make sure you thoughtfully acknowledge their gestures and hard work.
Gifts
Gift-giving and receiving are commonly misunderstood love languages. It’s rarely about the monetary value of a gift (though for some people this can be a factor), but usually, about the thoughtfulness, the giver put into a present. The fact that you were thinking about them while they were gone, enough to pick out a sweet token just for them, is a gesture that hits the spot.
Celebrating holidays and anniversaries can bring so much joy to a partner with gifts as their love language. But you don’t have to wait for a special occasion – a silly card from the grocery store, one you just know will crack them up, is an opportunity to show you care. You can also bring home some of their favorite treats, and enjoy the expression on their face when you pull it out of the grocery bag. (And don’t ever forget their birthday.)
Physical Touch
I know what you’re thinking, but before you get too excited, this love language isn’t all about sex. Though these are the partners most likely to feel loved through sexual exchanges, sex is just a form of touch that they super appreciate. Physical expressions do not always have to be time and labor-intensive, and indeed small gestures can go a long way with these lovers. A kiss on the cheek, a hug when they first come home from work, or a cuddle sesh while watching a movie can make them feel loved and valued.
Another thing: the frequency of physical contact is often so important to these partners, so try making an effort to give them small, regular touches throughout the day. This lets them know you’re thinking of them, and how much you adore and appreciate them. If you’d like to go all out and spoil them, offer to give them a lengthy massage…making it as sweet, or as erotic, as you want.
Quality Time
A person with quality time as their love language doesn’t necessarily need you to be around them 24/7. But when you are together, you need to be present. They’ll likely want you to give them your undivided attention and really connect in conversation.
Carve out time in your schedule for a 1:1 hangout, to enjoy shared activities and a quality talk. The next time they’re venting about their workday, try putting down your phone and asking them, “how did that make you feel?” or, “what did you think about that?” Not only will this make them seen, it will also foster a deeper sense of intimacy. Another winning idea? Surprise them with a romantic weekend trip, a dinner out, or a picnic in the park.
Words of Affirmation
Sincere compliments, authentic praise, acknowledgment for their work: this love language is all about verbal expression. Even a simple “I love you” goes a very long way, especially when they’re going through a hard time.
The reverse is true as well: any sort of criticisms or put-downs can be quite crushing for those with this love language, so make sure any constructive criticism or suggestions are delivered in a thoughtful way. You don’t have to write them a poem about your undying affection (though they would probably love that), but seeing a spontaneous Post-it note on their mirror, or receiving an unexpectedly sweet text, will light up their day.
No matter your love language, having deeper awareness about them can be a boost to any relationship. Get to know yours, and get ready to show and receive love in ways that truly hit home.
