And I’m so glad you did.
Recently, I asked the Sex With Emily community what their most ‘embarrassing’ sex questions were. Chances are, the sex issue you’re most nervous to talk about is very common. Our sex stuff can seem so personal, but really, we humans are so similar…we all feel insecure sometimes, we all feel confused sometimes, and we’re all out here navigating sex and relationships the best we can.
So with that, here are 6 of the questions I got that truly, I hear all the time – and, my answers.
“If a man gets soft during sex does it mean he’s not interested anymore?”
Losing an erection is all about blood flow, which you can read about right here. Doesn’t mean he’s not interested. I recommend a penis ring to help maintain erection. This one vibrates, stimulating your clitoris or anus during penetration…which feels absolutely amazing. He gets to keep his erection, you get to have more orgasms.
“Will sex toys desensitize my clitoris?”
Not permanently, but during a solo sex sesh your clitoris might reach a stimulation threshold. Totally normal.
Technology to the rescue: this toy, the LELO DOT Travel, was invented to solve this issue. It’s got a tiny, pinpoint tip that moves in an elliptical motion. Unlike other vibrators, which have a broader surface area (and stimulate more of your clitoris all at once, can have the potential to numb you out faster), the DOT stimulates a small part of your clitoris at a time – and feels insanely good, by the way. Like climax-after-climax good.
“What to do if you’re nervous about sleeping with someone because you know your performance is bad?”
It’s totally normal to be nervous about sleeping with someone – especially for the first time. But let’s talk about performance. Are you not sure what to do in bed? If so, spend time with sexy media. Ethical porn, audio erotica, a hot movie: these will help reveal what naturally sparks your arousal, which builds confidence in bed because you’ll understand yourself better. You’ll also get to see/hear certain sex acts modeled (dirty talk, sex positions, etc.), so you’ve got a better idea of what to do.
Are you worried about unpredictable erections, or coming too quickly? Read this article: How to Handle Performance Anxiety. It’s packed with tips for these issues!
“How to handle multiple rejections from your partner when they still masturbate?”
We’ve conditioned people to think that masturbation is a substitute for partnered sex – when really, it serves two different, equally valid needs. (Something I talk about in Smart Sex a lot.) If partnered sex is about connection, masturbation is about self-care. It’s where we make our bodies feel good without the pressure to please someone else, and where we give ourselves permission to fantasize. These are healthy aims for anyone.
But I hear you – it sucks to be rejected. Talk to your partner about your overall sex life, and see if the two of you can be honest about what it would take to make it mutually satisfying. A great place to start is my Yes No Maybe List, a huge list of sex ideas with check boxes. Have both of you fill it out individually, then compare notes! This breaks the ice around sex talks, and gets you both thinking collaboratively.
“If his “porn” type looks different than my body does that mean he isn’t attracted to me?”
Nope! People get aroused by porn performers for all kinds of reasons. (For example, reams of research show that straight women frequently watch gay male porn.) And truthfully…we have all kinds of “types.” Some days a certain kind of appearance turns me on, other days I’m aroused by something totally different. Maybe you can relate.
But I hear you! I remember dating someone who watched porn featuring a busty blonde, while I am a brunette with small-ish breasts…and it got to me. That was before I realized that sexual fantasies are nuanced, and that what we watch in porn doesn’t necessarily translate into what we want in real life. My suggestion is to talk to your partner about it, and let him know you might need some words of affirmation. We all do sometimes! My 3 T’s of Communication Guide is a great place to start.
“Any way to avoid a gross accident for anal?”
Sex is messy by nature, but this episode with Dr. Evan Goldstein – one of the top names in the game on anal sex – goes into detail about how to prep hygienically for anal and avoid an accident. Take a listen.
That said, we’re all humans living in animal bodies, and fluids are normal. For peace of mind, throw down an absorbent sex sheet. I love this one: it’s sexy in black, you can throw it right over your sheets or blanket, and when you’re all done – just throw it in the wash! Voila, mess be gone.
I love answering your sex questions, especially the ones that feel too private to ask out loud! Would you like another round of these? (You sent me tons!) Talk to me on Instagram @sexwithemily, and let’s get into it.
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