The vagina. A sex organ. A woman’s genitalia. It is one of the very few things in existence that garners universal obsession of the masses. Its reputation is unmatched in its complexity.
Some regard it as the holy grail of every prepubescent male. Some seek its amity for the entirety of their lives. Others call it the Rubick’s cube of life.
It is the tunnel traveled by new life at birth. A ubiquitous symbol of strength and femininity. It is the anatomical emblem for women across the world. Beautiful, mysterious, pleasurable, and perfect.
There are many things the vagina IS. But lest we forget, let us remind ourselves, there are many more things the vagina is NOT:
1. A Ziploc Bag
As so succinctly stated by Newton’s third law of motion, what goes up must come down. Unfortunately, vaginas are not exempt from the laws of physics and gravity and when something (like semen) is shot up into one, it will…eventually…come dribbling down. The vagina does not have a resealable, zipper-like opening, and it will not hold onto your bodily fluids or belongings for you to dispose of at your leisure.
So if you’re going to introduce any liquids to anyone’s vagina, be ready to deal with the drippings and plan accordingly. It is no one else’s implicit responsibility to clean up your biological mess. Grab a tissue and help out.
2. A Change Purse
When you’re rounding second base and making your way to third, you may be tempted to root around the inside of the vagina aimlessly with your fingers. This is a bad idea. Manual penetration can feel great, and has been proven the best way to access the infamous G-spot. But if you go in hot with sloppy hands, like you’re digging for extra change to throw in a parking meter, you could cause someone extreme discomfort and maybe even hurt them.
If you want to tickle someone’s fancy from the inside, make sure your claws are filed down to a soft round edge, start slow and be gentle! Learn the anatomy, ask what they like, and remember…this isn’t a mine and you’re not digging for gold.
3. A Last-Minute Casserole
Although it may seem like a fun and kinky idea to insert a cucumber, carrot, or turkey leg into your vagina, please don’t. The vagina is a delicate flower. It houses its own sensitive microbiota that regulates cleanliness and functionality. Any foreign object that is introduced to the vagina can disrupt its homeostatic chemistry and throw off its natural pH balance, leading to infections and an all around bad time for anyone involved. So if you’re thinking of getting freaky with food, remember that the vagina is a picky eater, and probably won’t take kindly to the foreign objects you’re inserting.
4. A Fleshlight
Remember, every vagina has a living, breathing, feeling person attached to it. It does not exist solely for your pleasure and penetration. When approaching a vagina, make sure your actions are known and consented to. And if you want the vagina to react favorably, make sure to pay attention to the needs (and other erogenous zones) of the person attached it. Perhaps you should give the vagina some space ‘til you’ve spent sometime talking to the brain, kissing the mouth, and maybe even caressing the skin of attached woman.
If this seems like too much work for you, Fleshlights are the #1 selling male sex toy. Get one!
5. A Carbon Copy
You probably have an idea of what the perfect vagina looks like to you. Based on most popular porn searches, I’m guessing it’s small, pink, hairless and hopefully wet. There are vaginas in the world that look like this. However, just like penises, vaginas are a diverse breed of organ and they come in all shapes, sizes, colors and creeds. Some vaginas are short, some are wider than others, some have large labia and some don’t!
In addition to differing in appearance, vaginas also have varied responses to different types of stimuli. One vagina, for instance, might prefer the gentle swipe of a tongue or the silky soft feel of a pebble vibe like the Je Joue Mimi. While another might require the more powerful penetrative vibrations like that of the Magic Wand, or the rotating sensation of the Zumio. So watch and listen for her verbal cues when you’re getting down in her naughty bits.
Every vagina is unique and special and should be treated as such. If you happen to encounter a vagina that is aesthetically displeasing to you…get over it! Trust me, there will be plenty of men out there who don’t mind and will be more than happy to take your place.
6. Your favorite pair of sweats from 1991
No amount of sex can stretch out a woman’s vagina and make it looser. Myths of vaginal looseness have been fodder for slut-shaming and devaluation of women for years. The waistband on your sweatpants may not have maintained its tautness, but the resilience of the vagina’s elasticity trumps the strength of your trousers without a hitch.
Don’t get me wrong, the vagina can stretch temporarily to accommodate things like a penis or a sex toy (or a human baby). But it is made up of folds and folds of elastic tissue and (with a few exceptions) will always snap back to its original tightness. Side note, ladies: if you’re really concerned about the integrity of your pelvic floor, download Kegel Camp and get your vaginal exercise on!
Amid all the things the vagina is not, I think there’s one thing we can all agree it certainly is…amazing. Now go out there and treat em’ right.
Laurie Magers is a comedy writer and actor living in Los Angeles. Her favorite color is red and her favorite food is crab legs. Check out more from her at www.lauriemagers.com.