These days, masturbation is finally getting good PR. We know it’s healthy for you. We know there are all kinds of ways to do it. And a booming sex toy industry is normalizing self-pleasure, putting it squarely in the realm of wellness. It’s about damn time.

But these are all recent shifts in the collective mindset. Just a few years back, one’s masturbation habits were usually secretive. A lot of us still battle shame around it. As a result, I get questions all the time about masturbation – what’s OK and what’s not, is it harmful, am I doing it too much, etc. etc. 

So I put out the call on Instagram for your masturbation questions, asking if you had any that felt particularly “embarrassing.” And you did! But I don’t find these questions embarrassing at all, to me these are human and normal. 

There is NO shame in wanting more clarity around your sexual habits, so here are the 7 questions you asked most about masturbation.

“Is it normal to masturbate more than once a day? What happens if I masturbate too much?”

‘Normal’ is a relative term, since everyone is different. But I can assure you it’s healthy and safe to masturbate more than once a day. 

There is a lot (I repeat: a lot) of misinformation out there about masturbation. For those with a vulva, there is a fear that masturbating “too much” will result in sex toy dependency for your orgasm. This is flatly not the case. While you may come to really enjoy your sex toy, using it a lot doesn’t prevent you from orgasming with a partner. If anything, it will teach you what feels good. I have known many people with vulvas who became more orgasmic with partners after starting a regular masturbation practice. And they didn’t have to use toys during partner play, either.

For those with a penis, I can’t tell you how many wild theories I’ve heard about masturbating too much. Everything from blindness (seriously, what?) to acne which is…not a thing. 

Here is what I would say, though: frequent masturbation is a problem when it interferes with your day-to-day. Are you masturbating so much your skin is chafing, and now you’re physically uncomfortable? Are you masturbating in places you shouldn’t, like at work? Are you consistently late for friends or dates because you can’t stop masturbating? Are you having difficulty getting aroused with a partner, because your mind and body is so acclimated to arousal from porn?

These are all signs one’s masturbation practice might be compulsive. If you feel like you can’t stop, you might want to set limits for yourself and see if you can adhere to the rules (only doing it at night before bed, for example). If you can’t, I recommend seeing a therapist who can help. Otherwise: frequent masturbation is a-ok, with lots of documented health benefits. It’s only too much if it’s getting in the way of your life.  

“Does regularly using a vibrator for clitoral stimulation desensitize your clit?”

It might temporarily, but not permanently. I’ll say that again: using a vibrator regularly has never been shown through data or research to desensitize your clitoris for good. That’s not the way nerve endings work.

Here’s how they do work: when you use a vibrator on your clitoris, your nerve endings spring to attention. There’s a lot of stimulation and a lot of sudden blood flow. The longer you keep the vibrator on that spot, the less you feel your genitals becoming engorged. That’s because they are already! 

A toy was invented to address this problem: the Dot by LELO. It moves in an elliptical motion with vibration, touching your body with a small, targeted tip. This makes it to where you can masturbate without numbing your clitoris, and finally get to experience multiple orgasms. 

“What’s the best way for a guy to masturbate without using porn?”

It depends on where you are with your masturbation journey. Fortunately, there are lots of fun ways to stimulate yourself without porn.

The first thing I recommend is mindful masturbation, which I walk you through here. Don’t get discouraged if it doesn’t work right away (e.g. you can’t get aroused). You’re training your body to respond in a fresh new way, and that takes time.

Second, try a toy! People with penises typically love the Tenga Flip Zero, it creates the feeling of suction. The next level up is the Tenga Flip Zero EV, which does that plus vibration. Either way, you’re stimulating more and deeper nerve endings than your hand can alone. If porn arouses you with visuals, these toys arouse you with sensation. 

Third, try masturbating with your partner. This could look like FaceTime sex or mutual masturbation, which I’ve got a guide for here. The idea with all of these is to teach your brain new arousal patterns, so that porn becomes one of many options for masturbating in a satisfying way. 

“I want to try mutual masturbation, but unsure of what to do if the person finishes before the other…do I keep watching? I don’t want it to get awkward.”

More likely than not, one of you will finish before the other. So know that going in: it’s probably inevitable. 

In addition to getting off, mutual masturbation appeals to people for a lot of reasons. For example, your partner might like being watched. Maybe they’ve got a little exhibitionist streak. Maybe you’ve got a voyeur streak. Who knows? 

I know lots of couples who do mutual masturbation, but keep the kissing / touch / dirty talk going after the first person finishes. This helps the second person stay in the game, and keep an erotic frame of mind while they masturbate. So my best advice is to chat with your partner about it and ask them this question. What would they like you to do, if you finish beforehand? What would you like, if they finish before? 

“Is it safe to swallow your own semen and are there any benefits of doing so?”

It’s mostly safe, unless you’ve got a rare condition called human seminal plasma hypersensitivity (HSP). Aka, a semen allergy. 

As for the health benefits of swallowing your own semen: while there is some data and research on this, it’s really sparse. The main health claims of swallowing semen is that it boosts mood (because semen contains oxytocin and serotonin), helps you sleep (it also contains melatonin), and helps your immunity (thanks to its zinc and vitamin C content). But we don’t have enough research to definitively say whether these claims hold up, and furthermore, you’d probably have to ingest a lot to see any benefits. 

“I can only come with a vibrator, how do I do it with my fingers correctly?”

I love this question so much, and I have to be honest: it’s very anatomy-specific. Just like penises come in all shapes and sizes, so do clitorises. That’s important, because you actually can’t see most of your clitoris: it’s a sizable organ inside your body. And to have an orgasm, your clitoris needs to be very stimulated. 

Toys are great because their vibrations travel deep inside, to places your fingers can’t. Your clitoris is subterranean, so its nerve endings are deeper in than those of a penis. It’s one reason why people with a penis can masturbate effectively with their hand, while those of us with vulvas might need a toy – and that’s totally OK.

It’s not impossible though! Frequent Sex With Emily guest and sexologist Dolly Josette teaches embodiment techniques that make you more orgasmic, even if all you use is your hands. I recommend giving her episode a listen. 

In the meantime, here’s what you can do:

• Use lots of lube.
• Breathe deeply.
• Arouse yourself by touching other erogenous zones first: caress your breasts or chest, your inner thighs, your mons pubis (the padded area above your vulva). 
• Use your two fingers to gently start rubbing your labia, while breathing deeply.
• Start massaging your clitoris with finger circles, noticing what feels good.
• When you’re ready, insert a finger (middle usually works best) into your vagina. You can keep stimulating your clitoris with your other hand if you like. 
• As you explore, get in tune with your body and notice where you feel more sensitive. Some like to mentally divide their clitoral nub into “quadrants” to find out where they’re most sensitive. Upper left? Bottom right? 
• Same goes for finger insertion. You can find your G-spot by curling your fingers towards your belly, a few inches in. But making sure you’ve placed your fingers accurately is less important than listening to your body, and taking note when you’ve found a place that feels good. 
• Most importantly, take your time. It’s not a quick process. You’re engorging your genitals in a much slower way than a toy can, so you might not climax right away. That’s OK – your brain and body need time to practice this new arousal pathway. 

“I love masturbating but I’m hitting menopause and my toys feel a little uncomfortable now (because I’m drier). Any tips?”

Don’t give up your toys! In menopause, regular masturbation is an excellent way to keep blood flowing to your genitals, maintaining plump and healthy tissues. Orgasms also tone your pelvic floor, which helps with incontinence and stronger climaxes. But I hear you on the dryness. Fortunately, there’s an easy fix.

More sexual wellness brands are (finally) starting to treat vulva skin tissues as seriously as your face skin tissues, with moisturizers, oils, and topicals. Check out Daily V Soothe by Womaness, a brand designed for women in menopause. It’s a daily moisturizer for your vulva, filled with hyaluronic acid – a super humectant naturally produced by your body, locking in your skin’s moisture for better elasticity. Masturbation will feel so much better! Just add it in to your morning routine, applying first thing each day. It also doubles as a lube, so you can put it on right before you masturbate. 

Answering your sex questions is one of my favorite parts of Sex With Emily. Hopefully, these answers make you feel more human about your own masturbation practice! 

If you’ve got more questions, talk to me on Instagram @sexwithemily. I love answering these for you, and plan to tackle many more. 

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