Dear Emily,

I like to consider myself a fairly sexually educated woman, but I have NO idea what to do when it comes to being on top during sex. The few times I’ve tried it, I felt so awkward that it ended up killing the mood.

Now I’m worried that my inexperience will be obvious to my next partner…Are there any tips you can give me to help me get better at girl-on-top?

Thank you! 

Angie

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Dear Angie,

You’re not the first to feel uncomfortable during woman-on-top or vulva-owner-on-top. So many women admit to feeling insecure or vulnerable in this position. It could be because they’re not loving certain angles of their body on full display or they’re simply not sure what to do.

If you’re feeling vulnerable, remember that you’re in charge of your own sexuality and pleasure. We tend to create our own limiting beliefs and doubts; oftentimes based on earlier experiences that have nothing to do with our current situation.  

That said, I want to encourage you to give the woman-on-top position another shot. There are so many benefits to this position and not only because more vulva owners achieve orgasms when they’re on top, but also because you have control of speed, depth of penetration, and range of motion. You can find your pleasure points and go at a pace that feels good for you. It can even make the sexual encounter last longer. 

When it comes to execution, there are a few tips and tricks I can offer to help you maximize woman-on-top. Let’s discuss. 

First, assume the position.

Try straddling your partner with your knees on either side of their hips. Slowly lower yourself and ease them inside you. If your partner is lying down, you can either lean over them with your chest pressed against theirs or sit up and place your hands on their chest for more balance.

If you’re both sitting up, you might press your chest to their chest and wrap your legs and hands around your partner’s body. You can also hold onto the back of a chair or the bed to use as leverage and control the intensity. Experimenting with different hand and leg positions is all about you paying attention to which ones feel best for YOU. 

Now get moving.

In this position, you have multiple options for maximizing pleasure. You can lightly bounce up and down, but my recommendation is to grind or rock back and forth.  You might also want to try slowing down. Many vulva owners speed up in this position, but slow rhythmic movements will allow you to focus more on finding the right position for you while also checking in with your partner. You can also experiment with the “swivel & screw” maneuver by moving your hips in a circular motion while your partner tilts their hips up slightly. 

Extra credit.

Speaking of toys, this is the perfect position to add your favorite clitoral toy or cock ring to the mix. Two great options are the Eva from Dame (hands-free!!) and the Mio Penis Ring from JeJoue. Also, don’t forget the lube. In this instance, I recommend a water-based lubricant; System Jo has a great one. 

If you’re able to get into the moment and out of your head by focusing on what you’re feeling, rather than what you’re thinking, you might find you prefer to be in the driver’s seat. 

xx,

Emily