Amazing sex: it’s equal parts body and mind. 

Yes – good positions and technique are necessary for a hot time. But you know what your biggest sexual organ actually is? Your brain. 

Enter dirty talk, a skillset enjoyed by the best lovers (and their partners). If you’ve been wanting to develop this one, I got you! And if you feel nervous or shy, you’re definitely not alone. No one goes from zero to “I want you deep inside me” overnight. But with a little dirty talk practice, you’ll feel like yourself and drive them wild. 

(Also: if this is the kind of topic where you’d love some real talk about with other people – AKA mature, cool, sex-curious people – get on the list for SmartSX! It’s my *new* membership community that’s coming soon. Just enter your email and be the first to know when it drops.) 

Why talk dirty? 

It’s not about acting like you’re in a porn, or saying raunchy stuff just for shock value. Instead, great dirty talk is all about building sexual tension. It’s tapping into your partner’s imagination and arousing them there, on that level. 

You can think of dirty talk as roleplay lite. It’s a turn-on because:

It spices up sex. Even if you and a partner do your same moves, dirty talk adds an element of naughtiness to your encounter.

It makes you closer. Unless your Zoom calls are more exciting than mine, you probably don’t talk dirty with just anyone. It creates an intimate bond because you’re sharing a private part of your personality with a partner. 

It makes your blood flow. Literally. Arousal is your body’s response to stimuli, and arousal = increased blood flow everywhere, including your genitals. Cue bigger, badder orgasms for all. 

But how to pull it off without sounding cheesy or awkward? Here’s how. 

How to sound like yourself (while talking dirty)

Talking dirty can take many forms. Whether they realize it or not, what your partner is listening for is the ring of truth – an authentic dirty talker, not a canned one. So here are a few tips for finding your voice.

Listen to audio erotica 

When it comes to audio erotica performers, all they’ve got is their voice. They can’t rely on facial expressions or body movements to arouse the listener, so they are hands-down experts at this skillset. 

Download an app and start listening to stories. You’ll get a feel for sexual phrasing that sounds natural and unforced. You’ll also pick up inspo in the form of sexy teasing / taunting / commands / begging / etc. 

Think about your partner and what specifically turns you on

Is it the tight shirt they wore that day? Is it the way their nipples feel in your mouth? I’m just giving you examples – you know better than me!

The point is: even before you start actually saying the words during sex, start making a mental list. One form of dirty talk is compliments: sexy little confessions that you’re making in bed. It goes back to the intimacy piece, the fact that you really notice them…and all the small things that make you crave them. 

Practice while you masturbate

Next time you’re alone and don’t have the pressure of an audience, masturbate – and add some colorful commentary.

Think about the object of your affection (and horniness), and murmur things you’d like to say to them. This is a safe space to experiment, so you can start small – moaning, “yes,” etc. – but I challenge you to go further. Try saying things like:

• What you can’t wait to do to them
• What about them specifically turns you on (see above!)
• What you want them to do to YOU

Next time you self-pleasure, close your eyes and actually say the words you come up with. This will help you go from tongue-tied to fearlessly filthy. 

Dirty talk do’s and don’ts

Now that you know how to practice, here’s your IRL guidance. If you want to turn your partner on, I recommend:

DO: Sext

A perfect place to start honing your dirty talk skills. With the added bonus of building sexual tension from afar! 

I’ve got a downloadable sexting guide here. But I love sexting (don’t we all?) because it helps you develop the kind of NSFW dialogue you’ll need in bed.

DO: Kink It Up

There’s so much fun to be had in the world of kinky power dynamics. But you don’t need to be a pro Dom (or pro sub) to do it! Getting back to the idea of dirty talk as roleplay lite, just introduce words like “punish” or “Daddy” or “please” into your racy repertoire. This too is about creating anticipation: a playful power barrier that lets desire build and build. Who knows? You might discover a new kink together. 

DO: Be Consensual

Following up to kink, it’s also good to check in with your partner about more sensitive words and phrasing. 

Especially if it’s something that could be degrading, I recommend a quick check-in if you’ve never done it before. A “hey, how do you feel about the word ___?” while you make out. This question is not only respectful, it can be pretty sexy. 

DON’T: Stay Silent

Sex with zero words or sounds is boring at best, eerie at worst. Just like an everyday conversation requires both people talking, sex is also a conversation, and also benefits from both people talking. 

Again, you can start modestly: “I want you” never hurt anyone. Same with “you make me so hard/wet.” You have to walk before you can run, so get comfortable with broad commentary during sex. This is much better than silent sex and creates an erotic vibe! That’s what dirty talk is all about – your vibe game. 

DON’T: Be Gratuitous

Getting back to the ring of truth, dirty talk is effective when it feels specific, even secretive, and fantasy-driven. 

Avoid cliches and eyerolls by making your dirty talk more – dare I say – vulnerable. Try “can I tell you something?” followed by a private fantasy involving your partner. Much more likely to make them melt. 

DO: Stay Present 

Because dirty talk is a conversation, it should also feel like you’re both present. You’re co-creating a fantasy together, not saying stuff just to say stuff. Keep it in the moment. 

Here’s my last thought on dirty talk: it’s OK to laugh! If something slips out that you didn’t intend, or felt hotter in your head than it does out loud, please do feel free to giggle and let it go. Sex doesn’t have to be so serious, and playful vibes are underrated. Have fun and laugh together: it’s arguably just as hot and freeing as your XXX chatter. 

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