Like so much of kink in the last decade, bondage has captured a lot of people’s interest (and bedframes). Maybe we’re all starting to approach sex more creatively. Then again… maybe we just all watched How to Build a Sex Room.

If you’re bondage-curious and would like to be tied (or do some tying), I can assure you it’s incredibly sexy, if done with consent and know-how. If you’ve never tried it before, it can be a hot way to add spice to your sex life. And wouldn’t you know…I just added a brand new restraint kit to my shop! 

Let’s talk about how spicy bondage is, what you need to pull it off, and why it might become you and your partners’ new favorite thing. 

What’s bondage?

Bondage is shorthand for restraining someone’s movement. In a kink context this can take many different forms, but one of the most common is tying down someone’s wrists and/or ankles. 

From there, a variety of sex acts can occur: oral sex, intercourse, teasing touches, massage…anything you can think of, to pleasure a partner who is temporarily tied down. 

Why do people like bondage? 

When we’re talking about bondage, it’s helpful to put it in a larger context of power differentials. With this particular act power is very literal: one person has relinquished their power of movement, while the other has maintained it. This gives the “free” person a power advantage, and the restrained person a power disadvantage. 

There are many reasons some people enjoy giving their physical power away, and being tied down. If that’s you, maybe it’s because you want to feel:

• Relieved. With the other person completely in charge of “driving” the sex, this allows you to completely relax into the sex itself. 
• Alert. Since you can’t control what your lover will do next, you might feel hyper alert and sensitive to every sensation. 
• Trusting. You’re putting your body in their hands! This can feel highly intimate, like something you would only share with them.
• Frustrated (in a good way). Some people get aroused when they can’t move how they normally would during sex, so the restraint feels very erotic to you. 

There are also completely valid reasons a person might not want this sex act. For example: if they’ve had a negative and/or non-consensual experience being restrained during sex, and have a bad association with it.  

Fortunately though, kink – at its core – is a set of safety practices predicated on explicit consent. So let’s talk about the person doing the restraining!

If you want to (consensually) tie your partner down during sex, perhaps it’s because you want to feel: 

• Powerful. With your partner tied down, you get to call the shots of sex.
• Creative. Some people approach sex like it’s a work of art. With your partner tied down, you can be especially inventive in how you pleasure them.
• Highly observant. With your partner’s movement restricted, you can pay close attention to their facial expressions, words and body language to see the effects you’re having. 
• Intimate. Your partner has just given you a lot of trust, and you feel special knowing you’re so connected as lovers. 

As you can see, when done with trust and consent, bondage can be oh-so-hot and emotionally satisfying. Now, let’s do some restraining.

What do you need for bondage?

I can’t stress this enough: get a bondage kit. 

Silk scarves, ties, and other household items will work in a pinch. But to truly create a situation where a person cannot move, kits are where it’s at. It zaps all the sexiness out of the moment when someone gets tied up…and the knot slips right off. 

I stocked this kit in my shop because it’s the right blend of edgy and sophisticated:

It’s beginner-friendly, meaning, you don’t need any additional equipment. Any size bed mattress or frame will work, because it comes with adjustable straps that glide under the mattress. From there, each strap spreads out and emerges on the sides of your bed, or head and foot of the bed, depending on how you like to play. 

I also like these restraints because the ankle and wrist parts are adjustable like a belt buckle. This makes it easy to ensure you’ve got a snug fit, but not too tight. We still want everyone to be physically comfortable while they’re tied down. 

And frankly – I enjoy this kit because it looks hot. Black leather, nice hardware, discreet enough to tuck under the sheets when you’re done playing. Love that. 

What’s a beginner-friendly position for bondage?

In practice, bondage can look all sorts of ways: wrists tied behind the back while sitting in a chair, wrists tied in front during spooning, etc. But the most intuitive “bed bondage” position looks like this:

• Restrained partner lies on their back,
• Restrained partner puts their arms and legs out like an “X,”
• Restraining partner secures wrists down (some people like to start bondage with just their wrists tied down),
• If desired, the restraining partner also secures ankles down.

What do you do during bondage? 

Once your restraints are in place and ready to roll, try this: 

• I’ve said it a lot in this article, but once again I’ll emphasize – make sure you’ve both got explicit and clear consent.
• Make physical contact gentle at first: think kisses, soft strokes of the fingers, smooth caresses. The person tied down will have a very alert nervous system, and you don’t want to accidentally send their body into fight-or-flight mode with aggressive touching all at once. 
• As both of you ease into the moment, keep in mind that this is a power exchange. This can be really fun to play with! If you’re the “free” partner, you can lean into Dom vibes and create rules for your partner. Rules like: 
  • Don’t kiss me back until I say so
  • Don’t come until I say it’s allowed

If you feel self-conscious as the restraining partner, don’t worry, that’s normal. As you and your partner feel into this dynamic, you’ll organically find the words that feel right. 

• Another fun activity to try during bondage: texture and temperature play! When you take away one ability (like movement), the rest of the senses are super heightened. A bodysafe candle like this one is sexy to play with, just pour some of the melted wax into your hand and rub on your partner’s body. 
• Safewords are definitely a thing in kink, and you’re welcome to come up with one together before you play. But a simple “STOP” works too.
• Speaking of kink, it can be very pleasurable to add some praise kink to the mix if you’re the one doing the restraining. Never underestimate the power of good girl / good boy. 

I love giving you new ideas to play with during sex, and would love to hear from you on bondage! Have you tried it before? Or is it brand new to you? Come find me on Instagram @sexwithemily and let’s talk all about it.

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