‘Tis the season for cliches. Here’s one, Sex With Emily style:

Pleasure is the gift that keeps on giving.

That’s absolutely true, and it’s one reason I absolutely love giving sex gifts.

That said.. There’s more to it than buying a vibrator, and sticking a bow on it. There’s a way to do this with tact and style. 

If you’re considering giving a sex gift to a LRT (long term relationship) partner, a new partner (maybe even someone who you haven’t defined the relationship with), a friend with benefits, or even a platonic friend, you might understandably be nervous. As always, I got you. Here’s how to do it conscientiously and confidently. 

Benefits of Giving a Sex Gift 

First, pump yourself up. There are so many benefits to blessing your people with sex gifts, namely:

• You’re giving them tools to increase their pleasure.
• You’re normalizing sexual pleasure.
• You might gift them something you can enjoy together, thereby increasing your intimacy.

So many good things. One unfortunate legacy of living in a sex negative culture is we sometimes question ourselves when we want to give a sex gift. That’s why the following steps will help you make a good decision, and most likely, empower you to do exactly that. 

Think About the Recipient

Who are you wanting to give a sex gift to? Your live-in spouse? Your non-nesting partner? Your FWB? Someone you recently started seeing? Your bestie?

Ideally, your sex gift will reflect your level of closeness and how well you know them. For example, if it’s someone you just started having sex with, gauge the vibe. A small sex gift could be flirty! Or, it could be too much. Same goes for actual friends. Have they expressed that they want to explore more sex toys and aspects of their sexuality? Great! If not, perhaps reconsider. 

Most of the time, a sex gift is for your established partner(s). So keep reading to give them goodies effectively. 

Talk About Sex Together

Sex gifts out of nowhere tend to feel a little strange. But if you’ve been talking about your sex life together or listening to my podcast, the gift itself will feel thoughtful and intentional. 

If you’ve never broached the topic before, that’s ok too. There’s always time. You can start with something open-ended, such as: 

“I love our sexual connection, and have been thinking how fun it would be to take it even deeper. What do you think? Would you be up for exploring together?”

If you get hesitation the first time you ask, that’s alright. Most people’s fight or flight response turns on when sex is brought up. It may take some time to establish sex as a regular topic of conversation, so that they don’t interpret it as a critique.

And hey, sometimes it helps to game-ify things a bit. My Yes! No! Maybe? List is a huge menu of sex acts. Fill it out individually on your next date, and see what “yes’s” you both get. 

Don’t Give to Solve a Problem, Give to Enjoy More Pleasure

Now the fun part! Choosing a gift.

Mindset is everything here. Give from a place of abundance, not a place of lack. Here are a few ideas of sex topics you may have discussed together, and thoughtful ways you can let them know you were listening. 

Masturbation Faves

Let’s say that you and your partner have spoken about masturbation. If they’ve got a vulva, look for a toy that is made for this purpose. Why? So they can have more orgasms and pleasure during solo sex time! I love dual stimulation toys, which will help them experience internal orgasms and (possibly) squirting. 

Then again, maybe they’ve got a penis, and have never tried a sex toy before. A stroker could be so fun for them. These are toys designed to simulate suction, offer more texture than their hand could, and to stimulate deeper nerve endings. 

Partner Play

If you and your partner have discussed toy play together, it’s 2023 and the world is your oyster. Vibrating penis rings are quite popular, which keep the wearer harder, longer, and offer clitoral stimulation – thereby increasing your chances of mutual orgasm. 

There are also wearable vibrators, which go inside the vulva and vibe the G-spot and clitoris, while still leaving room for a penis and/or fingers. Genius. 

Anal Action

Let’s say that one or both of you have expressed interest in exploring anal. Anal training kits are great for everyone: these tone your sphincter muscles, to habituate your body to anal exploration.

There are also vibrating anal plugs, which relax your sphincter muscles and can be worn during partner play or solo sex, for the possibility of (truly mind-blowing) anal orgasms.

Finally, if they/you have a penis, prostate vibrators are the new essential. These help facilitate prostate orgasms, which are deeply internal and pleasurable…similar to a G-spot orgasm for vulva owners.  

Pick the Right Time and Place

Now that you’ve got a few ideas for your sex gift and have taken the proper preliminary steps, let’s talk about how to actually give it. Let’s not give our beloveds a special, expensive sex toy at the family White Elephant party.  

Dates are a great place for this, depending on the setting. Is it a sexy spot, somewhere you both feel happy and relaxed? Great! Give away. But at home is probably your best, safest bet: they can have their authentic reaction, without anyone else seeing. This takes the pressure off.

I’d also advise putting some thought into presentation. With sex gifts especially, you really want to go the extra mile to show them that you care about their pleasure and delight. So really go for it! Use the nice wrapping. The nice gift bag. The card you spent real time selecting. Sex is a sensitive topic for most of us, so let the fact that you fussed over them communicate your good intentions. Which are: “I want you to feel good, and I’m so excited to help you do that.”

Or…Warm Up With Something Small 

If you don’t want to start by giving your partner something substantial, such as a sex toy or anything kinky, you can always give them something small, just because. For example:

• An arousal gel
• A lube
• Flavored lube (so fun for oral sex)
• A body-safe massage candle

Include it with a sweet note, such as: “can’t wait to try this with you.” 

You’re setting the stage for giving sex gifts as a playful, sweet thing to do. And these smaller gifts really do go a long way. 

With these tips in mind, you’re on your way to being a sexy giver…in more ways than one. Celebrate all the pleasure they’re about to unwrap. 

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