During these unprecedented times, more and more of us have been under government mandates to “shelter in place” or stay “safe at home.” One area of our lives that has been affected by quarantine is the area of sex.
For us kinky folks (or those who would like to be), Covid-19 can be a real boner kill. But don’t despair! You might be tempted to go vanilla right now, but your kink flag still flies in there somewhere. So let’s see how we can keep it flying, even in a quarantine.
Start with your brain.
Your personal eroticism begins in your mind. And a kinky mind is a terrible thing to waste. While you are stuck at home, consider broadening your kinky mind-scape by checking out some great porn or kinky sexy movies (I like the classic Belle de Jour). Or even better, check out what other people are doing. There are online forums like Fetlife.com where people are keeping the kink conversation alive while we wait for the pandemic to blow over.
Maybe start a kinky convo about fantasies with your partner or someone fun. Now is the time to open up. Take this kinky questionnaire and compare results. Or test your BDSM knowledge by taking this quiz. Quarantine is a great time to educate yourself on BDSM and kink fundamentals, including consent and communication.
Explore new kinks or revive old ones. I recently heard someone learn how to have an orgasm just from touching her feet! You never know what eroticism lies beneath the surface of your erogenous zones.
Create erotic distance to get kinky.
Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic, claims that, “Eroticism thrives in the space between the self and the other.”
But what if you don’t have any space? What if you live with your partner? Taking some space becomes a near impossibility if you are cooped up with your partner, plus pets and kids to boot. With public parks and farmer’s markets now closing, our analog worlds are becoming smaller and smaller. We’re confined to the same rooms as our partners for long periods of time.
In this situation, creating distance might seem difficult, but it is not impossible. Here are some ways you can find Erotic Distance:
Sexting
Sexting is a great way to create some erotic kinky distance and share fantasies, nudes, lewds, and other dirty things. If you are quarantined without a partner, you will want to boost your sexting game too. You can always use FaceTime or Skype and have some good old-fashioned phone sex. Using technology is a great way to stay connected with your erotic self and your partner, despite social distancing.
Take a sex break.
Amp up the anticipation and excitement by adding a set time where you decide you won’t have sex. The “freak” inside you can really come out when you create that sexual tension. Saying “no sex” for a period of time can also operate as “reverse psychology” and make you want it even more. I recently suggested this to one of the couples I coach and they had a hard time with it at first. Eventually, however, they saw it as a chance for a reset and also to build some sexual tension.
Refrain from touching.
You can also create some distance by not touching, cuddling, or even talking for a period of time. Taking that break as a conscious, mutual decision can be a big boost to your kinky sex life while in lockdown. But make sure you discuss this and leave open the possibility that touch might really be needed during a crisis time such as a global pandemic.
Ramp up the role play.
Play is the operative word here and kinky sex is the way that adults can play. If you’re new to the idea of role-play, don’t fret! You can start slow and ramp up as you feel more comfortable.
Go into your closet and play sexy adult dress-up. Even if you don’t want to be “in character,” putting on some sexy lingerie, leather, or bondage-type outfits can get you in the mood. Try hide and go seek- or other games that involve movement.
In the spirit of play, take out that list of kinks and choose one or two that you might have been too shy or scared to try. If you are quarantined away from your partner, try opening up a discussion and planning for a future playdate that includes one or two new kinks. If you are quarantined with a partner, schedule an actual “play date” with phones off and after kids are in bed and responsibilities done for the day and really go for it!
Employ toys.
Whether you are alone or with a partner during the Covid-19 quarantine, you can bring out your kink by using toys and “pervertibles.” You can order some new toys online, such as dildos, prostate toys, and other fetish items like floggers, restraints, ticklers, electro-stim, and more!
Pervertibles are things you can grab around the house that you can turn into implements for BDSM play, like a scarf or tie or night eye mask for a blindfold, a spatula or the back of hairbrush for spanking, clothespins for nipple clamps, or a credit card (you can lightly run on the skin and pretend it is the edge of a knife). Have fun planning your own BDSM dungeon!
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Is it getting hot in here??! Grab your “pandemic partner”, either in person or digitally, and get your kink on!
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Emily Anne is a bestselling author, sex coach and educator, who specializes in helping people expand their sexual horizons through BDSM and kink. When she’s not obsessively talking about sex, she’s hiking through the Hollywood Hills. Get some sexy education on her Instagram feed!
