Let’s cut to the chase: lots of you want a threesome. 

How do I know? Research. When Sex With Emily guest Justin Lehmiller conducted an enormous survey on people’s sexual fantasies, the #1 contender was multipartner sex. AKA… threesomes and group sex. 

But he published those results in 2018. Since then, threesomes have only gotten more popular.

Here’s the thing, though: there’s a huge gulf between the percentage of people who want to have a threesome, and the percentage of people who do have a threesome. So let’s look at the practical steps for setting up a threesome, sexy ideas to ensure a great time, and how to manage emotions like jealousy and overwhelm. 

How do I find partners for a threesome?

It depends on your current arrangement. Are you part of a couple? If so, here is what people tend to consider when seeking a third:

• a stranger
• a friend
• a sex worker

Arguments can be made to support every option – truly. But if you’re in a couple, I want to caution you against “unicorn hunting:” waltzing into queer spaces to find an attractive, bisexual person you both want to play with. (This falls under the “stranger” option.) 

A healthier way to go about this would be to use an app like #open or Feeld, which attracts a non-monogamous/kink crowd, and look for folks expressly indicating their interest in this. You want someone who enthusiastically seeks to be your third, even if it’s just for a night. 

As for the friend option: that very much depends on everyone’s comfort level. Over the past few years, relationships have gotten more fluid and non-monogamy has gotten more mainstream, so I’ve known folks who’ve successfully pulled this off. But many people’s biggest fear is that the friendship will never be the same, and jealousy will take root inside the couple – and that’s very valid. So talk it through with your partner (I’ve got a detailed article about that here), and see if it’s something you’d actually feel comfortable with.

That brings me to our third option, hiring a sex worker. For many, this checks all the boxes: you’re hiring a pro, someone adept at creating chemistry. It’s transactional by nature, so if you’re simply looking for an adventurous night, the expectations are clear (as in, you’re not looking to become a throuple with this person). There’s still a lot of stigma surrounding sex work, but many love doing couples’ bookings and are queer/poly as well. As for finding them, platforms are very area-specific, but Tryst and escort services typically offer vetted options for all genders. 

If you are currently single but would like to experience a threesome, Feeld is a solid app for you – even OKCupid and Tinder have non-monogamy tags these days – and while less popular, 3Fun is (as you might guess!) quite threesome-friendly. All of these are highly region-specific though, so you may have to play around a bit to see which one bears fruit. Whether you want to find a couple or two other solo poly people is up to you, so go in with an open mind and suss out who you’ve got chemistry with. 

What do I actually do during the threesome? 

First, know this: you might feel left out at least some of the time. It’s the nature of the beast, but I say that upfront to manage expectations and inspire you. Because threesomes are all about creativity! 

Have a conversation beforehand about your turn-ons and what you’re looking to get out of the experience. You don’t have to overplan or script this, but if you tell your play partners that – for example – you love the idea of someone sitting on your face while someone else goes down on you, voila! Now they know. 

Here are more ideas you can use for inspo:

Erotic massage: Low-lift, great foreplay, everyone can participate. You know I love a bodysafe candle, and little-known fact: wand vibrators really do make incredible massagers. (This one is my current fave.)

Toy tease: In my view, sex toys are the unsung heroes of threesomes. You can tease each other with them, masturbate while you watch, and use them on yourself or each other during penetration if that is on the menu. Grab a small, versatile bullet vibe with lots of different power settings: this one has the sexiest-feeling rumbles. 

Bondage: Lean into the kink of it all, and (if folks are into it) take turns tying each other up. On the outside it may look super BDSM, but that overlooks the care aspect of this particular kink: letting someone be helpless while you pleasure them. Aww. This kit comes with a silk scarf and a toy (and a sex truth or dare game!), making it a hot additive to the event. 

How do I deal with difficult emotions like jealousy or overwhelm?

One of the top researchers on threesomes is Ashley E. Thompson of University of Minnesota Duluth, and she’s found some data points on jealousy you may find interesting (and calming). 

Here’s one of her latest studies on threesomes in hetero couples, where the majority note that it was a largely positive experience. In fact, in a recent interview, one of her study respondents said this: 

“My wife usually has a hint of jealousy. But after each threesome, we go to bed together and have sex again with just the two of us, followed by ‘aftercare,’ me holding and caressing her and showing affection.” 

That’s a great example of putting a “procedure” in place to ease activated emotions. Her work has also shown that couples who’ve done more communication beforehand (including hard boundaries) tend to have more positive outcomes. So if you’re part of a couple, pre-game your threesome experience by discussing what you are comfortable with and what you are not. 

In truth, you might not know what your comfort levels are until you’re all there, doing it. This is where a safeword can be useful, to indicate things like “pause” or “I need to take a break.” It happens! And again, you can discuss this in a chill way before things get started. Lots of folks go on a three-person date before the threesome itself, to relax, talk about things like safewords and boundaries, and let the connection gel a bit before jumping in.

Have you had a threesome before? How did it go, and what did you learn from the experience(s)? I’d love to talk about it together and crowdsource our wisdom. Come find me on Instagram @sexwithemily and let’s talk about threesomes in the comment section. 

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