If you’ve got a vulva, and have ever wondered why it’s so hard to orgasm during penetrative sex – welcome! You’re part of an esteemed, large club that includes 80% of all women.

That’s right: roughly 80% of women, if not more, have difficulty reaching orgasm through penetration alone. It’s a big reason behind the orgasm gap, the shorthand for this problem. While the vast majority of people with a penis climax during sex, a fraction of people with vulvas do. Part of that is the narrow way we define sex itself. 

Why penetrative sex is orgasmic for some bodies, but not others

If you’ve got a penis, you have a lot of sensitive nerve endings along the shaft, concentrated in the head, and covering the testicles and perineum. Almost all of these areas get stimulated by penetrated sex – and stimulated very well. 

But if you’ve got a vulva, a ton of your pleasurable nerve endings are tucked much deeper inside the body. That’s because the clitoris is actually a large internal organ, and only a tiny portion (the nub) is visible. Penetrative sex does not stimulate it as well as it stimulates the penis.

That’s why it’s crucial to stimulate it properly, if you’d like an orgasm (or want to help your partner have one) during penetrative sex. You can stimulate the clitoris in a variety of ways, from physical techniques to psychological ones, but the key is increasing blood flow to the genitals. Here are 6 ways to do that.  

1.) Reimagine foreplay

To most people, foreplay = making out / hand stuff / etc. But in my view, foreplay starts right after your last orgasm.

Orgasm is the result of prolonged arousal, and you can start that arousal runway before physical contact. So get creative with foreplay, which to me, includes everything from sexting to being on a date. Get to know your arousal style and build it into your foreplay, so you can plan dates that get blood pumping to the place you want it most (your genitals). 

For example, your arousal style might include literal blood-pumping activities, like going rock climbing together, or it may include deep, intimate conversation. Try out different dates with these styles in mind, and see what works.

2.) Work on sexual communication

Getting comfortable talking about sex is a process, and it can take even longer to figure out which sexual behaviors get you excited. My downloadable Yes/No/Maybe list is a beginner-friendly way to break the ice, if you’re new to discussing all this with your partner. 

But sexual communication isn’t just about telling your partner what you like and don’t like. It’s dirty talk, it’s kink, it’s sexting – it’s developing your erotic voice. If any of this is intimidating for you, start small! Choose one area to work on and build it into the sexual experience. As you feel more at ease communicating in a sexual way, you’ll feel more confident, which will open up your arousal. 

3.) Hack your genital sensitivity

So far, these tips have been more psychological in nature. But to up your odds of orgasm, it’s good to know how to touch yourself.

Using a power vibe like the Magic Wand before sex helps jump start the engine. Its rumbles are so deep, you can even use it over clothes and feel your body start to respond. Fun fact: the clitoris gets an erection! Which is exactly what you need to have an orgasm later on. The Magic Wand helps get things going by stimulating the external, clitoral nub, and all those deep internal nerve endings I discussed earlier. It’s yet another reason sex toys are so popular for those with a vulva – vibrations are the most effective method for reaching these nerve endings, in a way that a finger, strap-on or penis just can’t. 

4.) Ask for oral

Speaking of stimulating the whole clitoris, oral sex is magic for that. 

When your partner applies direct pressure (licking, sucking, etc.) to the clitoral nub, the rest of the organ gets engorged. If you like 69ing, here are several fun ways to spice it up. And if you just want to receive (which I encourage!), experiment with the Kivin Method, which stimulates the clitoris in a whole new way. 

5.) Reassume the sex positions

Certain sex positions are better suited for optimal clitoral stimulation. Here are 2 you can play with:

• Missionary with a pillow underneath: this changes the angle of your vagina, enabling the shaft to penetrate more deeply (and hit the G-spot). This sex pillow is absolutely ideal for that, with a firmer internal body than most pillows. 
• Cowgirl: being on top allows you to experiment with different rhythms and angles. For some, being on top while grinding the clitoris against your partner’s pubic bone does the trick. 

6.) Bust out the toys

It’s time to normalize toys being a part of the coupled sexual experience. If a toy helps you reach orgasm, that’s great! They aren’t your partner’s competition – but their teammate. 

A simple, powerful bullet vibe on the clitoris during sex can definitely help unlock orgasm, especially during facing-away positions like doggy style or spooning. Try this one from plusOne: a true sidekick for orgasm during sex. It’s powerful enough to get you there, small enough to throw in a toiletries bag if you’re traveling. It’s also super affordable, which I love. 

Have you gone from never-orgasming-during-sex to frequently-orgasming during sex? I’d love to hear from you! Come find me on Instagram @sexwithemily and let’s discuss. 

Want more? Sign up for my newsletter and get sex secrets on the regular.