Want Better Sex? Ask Your Partner These Questions

White woman's hand wrapped around black man's elbow.

If you’re familiar with my show, then you’ve heard me say these words a lot:

Communication is lubrication.

The quality of your sex life depends on the quality of your communication. But because we live in a culture that teaches us to deprioritize desire and pleasure, none of us are taught how to talk about it. 

And that’s a huge reason why I wrote Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure, to teach people how to talk about sex and get curious about each other’s desires.

Did you know that most people go into fight or flight mode when sex is brought up in conversation?

That’s right… Many of us have a negative nervous system response anytime someone brings up sex. It’s even more drastic if it’s about us. “Hey honey, can we sit down and talk about our sex life?” We’ve been trained to hear these words as warning shots.

But here’s the truth: when we normalize talking about sex, sex gets better.

If you can talk about sex like you talk about what’s for dinner, you instantly remove roadblocks to pleasure. You’re more honest. More curious. You become erotic collaborators with your partner. 

Need some help kicking off a sex talk? 

First, remember my rules for Timing Tone Turf: aka The Three T’s, which you can find right here

Second: in my forthcoming book I give you scripts and communication tools for these conversations. Here’s a taste. 

The 69 Questions That Lead To A Better Sex Life

Adapted from Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure

This is a fun and sexy game to play with your partner to open up the conversation about sex. To play, sit down facing one another. Stare deeply into each other’s eyes. The first person to blink goes first. The answers may surprise you…and lead to some sexy conversations. 

Remember to practice active listening to get the most out of this. And of course, feel free to stop or pause the game to act out anything that turns you both on.

  1. What part of your body do you find sexiest?
  2. What part of your body do you want sexual compliments for?
  3. Which celebrities turn you on?
  4. What do you value most in a sexual relationship?
  5. What are your top sexual turn-ons?
  6. What are your sexual taboos?
  7. When do you feel most sexually confident?

Those are the first 7 questions. For all 69 (and oh-so-much more), pre-order Smart Sex right now.

If you enjoy conversation-starting games like this one, I got you. When you pre-order my book and provide proof of purchase here, you’ll instantly get my new, interactive Yes! No! Maybe? Guide. This free bonus content is only available when you pre-order your copy (officially out June 13), so go ahead…bite the bullet.

But wait, there’s more! [Cue commercial jingle.] One lucky winner will receive a Smart Sex Prize Pack for you. The package includes OSG: Our Sex Game board game, a bottle of Überlube silicon-based lube, a G-spot vibrator by OhMiBod, a Christian Siriano duvet cover set, satin blindfolds, and a rose and citrus candle from Brand & Iron. Pre-order now, and good luck lovers! 

For more communication tools like these, check out my guides, and sign up for my weekly newsletter to get sexy tips on the regular.