“Communication is lubrication.” This is something I say often on Sex With Emily, and is one of the core beliefs of this platform: that talking about your sex life improves your sex life.
But people often ask me a version of this question:
“What do I literally say to my partner? What are the ACTUAL words?”
I get it. You want the language, so you feel confident walking into the convo. Here are tips, tools, and yes – actual scripts – for 3 of the most vital sex talks you could ever have with your partner.
Timing, Tone, Turf
To set yourself up for success with any sex talk, consider your 3 T’s: timing, tone, and turf. In other words, the conditions in which you talk to your partner.
Download my free Timing, Tone, Turf Guide here: it increases the odds your sex talk lands well.
1. How to Start Talking About Sex With Your Partner
If you’ve never talked about sex before with your partner, here are a couple ways to break the ice.
Your Greatest Hits
This is a great one to do on a date together. Start reminiscing about some of the most memorable sex you’ve had together, beginning with: “remember that one time…?”
Maybe your most memorable times together were early in the relationship, when things were new. This is very common, it’s called the honeymoon phase for a reason! Everything about your partner was novel and exciting: their body, their sexual style, them seeing you naked for the first time…
But remembering your Greatest Hits together reminds both of you that hot sex is possible. It also makes space for you to talk about sexual novelty more generally, which leads me to my next suggestion.
Yes, No, Maybe List
Another great one to try on a date, or in the comfort of home. My Yes, No, Maybe list is a checklist menu of sexual acts, and you simply answer “yes,” “no,” or “maybe” next to each one. Shower sex? Dirty talk? Threesomes? Up to you.
Take it together, see where you both checked “yes,” and use it to inspire your sex life. You can download my YNM List right here.
PRO TIP: If you both check “sex toys” but aren’t sure where to start (this happens all the time and I get questions about how to try toys together), try a simple bullet vibe. You can learn how to incorporate it into sex right here.
2. How to Give Sexual Feedback
Let’s say your partner does something during sex that you don’t love…but you’re worried about hurting their feelings if you tell them. The longer you hold back though, the more resentful you get that this one thing is turning you off. Don’t stay in that place! Try these tactics instead.
Compliment Sandwich
This is a disarming way of sharing constructive feedback by nestling it between compliments. The Compliment Sandwich starts with an affirmation, moves to feedback, and ends with more affirmation. Here’s an example, using a situation I hear often – a partner who’s a bit smelly. You could say:
“I really love your body. It’s so sexy. I know we just want to rip each other’s clothes off the minute we get home, but it’d be even sexier if we took a shower together before we get down to business. I want us to feel clean before we get dirty.”
Compliment, feedback, more affirmation. Remember this formula, and adapt it to the feedback you want to give them.
Show and Tell
Another approach I like is Show and Tell. Unlike other sex talks, this one happens in real time, turning a less-than-ideal situation into a teachable moment.
Let’s say your partner likes to jump right into penetrative sex as soon as you start kissing. I hear this complaint often…especially from those with a vulva.
The next time you’re kissing, use it as an opportunity to show your partner exactly what you want: slow, sensual kisses on the neck? Teasing over their pants? Oral sex with lots of eye contact, maybe?
Then tell your partner, “if you explored me like this before we have sex, it would really turn me on.”
It’s direct, it’s sexy, and it’s specific. We love to see it.
3. How to Ask For What You Want
It can feel super intimidating to share a fantasy with your partner – then, ask them to help you realize it. The Yes No Maybe List will help you out, but what if you’ve got a huge YES that your partner is a “maybe” on? Try this.
Sexual Fantasy Elevator Pitch
The trick here is to quickly communicate what you want, and why – while letting your partner know how it can be hot for them too. Here’s an example, using blindfolding as the fantasy:
“I love how sensual we are in bed. I’ve been thinking about how hot it would be for you to blindfold me. If you take away my sight, I’ll be able to feel your touch on my body even more strongly. Do you want to try it?”
Notice how this “pitch” makes your fantasy fun for them, too. It invites your partner to explore with you in collaboration.
When Therapy Is Needed
Sometimes, it feels impossible to have an open and honest conversation about sex (or any aspect of the relationship.) Maybe there’s too much resent built up, or maybe one or both of you feel shame about certain areas of sex. You’re not alone!
Tons of couples seek out therapy to help them communicate about sex in healthier ways. If these talks can’t happen without blame, shame, or defensiveness, consider working with a therapist. No one wants to stay stuck in sexual dysfunction, and frankly, no one should. Finding a good practitioner will free you both – you’ll get practice communicating with compassion and curiosity, and you’ll learn so much more about each other in the process.
Talking about sex is one of the most powerful skills you could ever develop, both as a partner and a lover. Try it out – and watch your sex life improve in the process.
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