I can’t tell you how many folks reach out to me, ashamed about premature ejaculation (PE) or erectile dysfunction (ED). Whether they’re finishing too quickly or unable to get/stay hard, they feel like they’re “not good” in bed. Even though virtually every person with a penis will experience some form of PE and/or ED in their lifetime.
It’s maddening when you feel like you don’t have control over your body. But guess what: there are solutions! Let’s explore the possibilities here.
Premature Ejaculation vs. Erectile Dysfunction:
Which do you have?
Premature ejaculation happens when you orgasm sooner than you’d like. It may feel like your penis is ultra sensitive, and that all it takes is a few thrusts to prompt orgasm.
Meanwhile, erectile dysfunction is difficulty getting hard, or difficulty staying hard after you’re initially aroused.
How long does that average man last before orgasm?
Five to seven minutes, in studies conducted on men. More specifically, once vaginal penetration occurs, it’s five to seven minutes on average until a man climaxes.
Does that number surprise you? It might, if you’ve ever consumed porn. There, men are usually depicted as endless sex machines. But porn isn’t documentary footage, it’s a fantasy, and the reality is that talent takes breaks between shooting scenes. I can guarantee you that all of the actors go in and out of having erections, because like us – they’re normal people.
Read up before getting down: 15 ways to last longer in bed
Here are 15 tried-and-true methods for longer-lasting sex.
1. Talk to your partner
Did you know that one of the biggest causes of ED is anxiety?
If your mind is spinning, you could quickly enter a state of fight or flight. At that point, your body starts diverting blood flow away from the penis and your erection goes away.
But talking to a partner openly could help take the pressure off your “performance.” And while it could feel embarrassing or vulnerable at first, simply being honest and getting their support helps alleviate that anxiety.
2. Try edging
When you feel like your orgasm is getting close, back off from stimulation.
This could look like pausing to give your partner oral sex, or making out for a minute between positions. Bonus: when you eventually do orgasm, it’ll feel more intense. Here’s an edging guide to try it for yourself.
3. Wear a penis ring
Penis rings keep blood trapped in the penis, so that the wearer stays harder, longer.
Erections happen because blood flows into the penis, and once there, your veins compress to keep blood from flowing back out. But if your veins aren’t squeezing hard enough due to age, hormonal shifts, or lifestyle factors, a penis ring helps a lot. Plus, the TOR 3 penis ring by LELO is more than a ring…it’s a vibrator for your partner! Wear it at the base of the shaft, point the motor outward so that it’s rubbing on your partner’s clitoris or anus. They’ll be in bliss, and so will you.
4. Masturbate day-of
Another trick to help with PE is to have solo sex earlier in the day, before partnered sex. This makes it to where you aren’t quite so sensitive to every little touch / lick / etc.
Just know that you may have to play around a little bit to find your optimal timing. Masturbating right before sex could prevent you from getting erect again so soon, so give yourself grace and experiment to find the timing that works.
5. Do kegels
Maybe you’ve heard of kegels, the exercises that tone the pelvic floor. Did you know that all genders can do them?
The pelvic floor muscle is the same muscle responsible for orgasm. So when you perform kegels, you’re essentially strengthening your orgasm muscle. To do a kegel, imagine you’re stopping the flow of urine, and hold for 10 seconds. Release. Repeat again, up to 10 reps. Aim to do this set 3 times/day.
Kegels are scientifically proven to help you with ejaculatory control. One study found that pelvic floor therapy helped over 80% of patients recover from PE!
6. Use a condom
If PE is your main culprit, try wearing a condom during sex.
This barrier will dull any hypersensitivity in your shaft, so you don’t feel like you’re constantly on the edge of orgasm.
7. Apply a delay spray
Another great tool for PE: putting a delay spray on your penis a few minutes before sex.
Made with ingredients like lidocaine, these sprays calm down nerve ending sensitivity. My top-shelf pick (always) is Promescent’s delay spray.
8. Slow down
As exciting as it may feel, thrusting creates a lot of intense stimulation all at once. Once you get to that “point of no return” feeling, it’s very difficult to stop orgasm from happening.
So try taking sex slower. Slower thrusts, slower kissing, slower everything. You’ll get to enjoy a more gradual build of intensity, and you might find your partner likes a deeper, tantalizingly slow pace.
9. Take a probiotic
When the bacteria in your gut are out of balance, it can lead to inflammation, which can damage blood vessels and nerves in the body. This can make it harder for the body to respond to sexual stimuli, and get the erection you want. On top of that, imbalanced gut bacteria can disrupt the production of nitric oxide – the essential molecule for getting and keeping an erection. Reduced nitric oxide levels can lead to decreased blood flow to the penis, and reduced blood flow makes it tough to get hard at all.
But the right gut support can balance out your gut bacteria. I’m loving Just Thrive Probiotic – it’s made with incredibly potent spore bacteria that helps maintain balance in your gut microbiome. Give it a shot!
10. Make foreplay the main event
Instead of treating sex like it’s all one big lead-up to penetration, why not switch things up?
This episode with Ian Kerner teaches you how to change your “sex script” so you can enjoy a different journey with your partner on the way to orgasm.
11. Switch positions
Positions that have you in deep, with lots of in-and-out thrusting, are prime candidates for PE. Doggy style, flat iron, even missionary are very stimulating all along the entire shaft.
So mix in some positions with less thrusting. Lotus position is an excellent choice and feels amazing.
12. Exercise
Erections are all about blood flow. A certain amount of exercise is needed to keep your veins and arteries toned, and keep erectile health optimal. Strength training also increases your levels of free testosterone, a critical hormone in sexual response.
If you’re not working out yet, start a regimen that includes resistance training and some blood-pumping cardio. Aim for 150 minutes of exercise/week, and you can break it up into walks, gym sessions, classes, etc.
13. Breathe deeply
Sometimes, an erection goes away because you feel a wave of anxiety. It’s the fight or flight response doing its thing! So calm your nerves with a few deep, belly breaths. This allows blood flow to go where you want it (your penis), so you don’t accidentally lose your erection.
Deep breathing also helps with PE: when you feel orgasm starting to approach, a deep breath can pause your body’s ejaculatory reflex by slowing your heart rate.
14. Use a penis pump
If you’re having trouble getting and staying hard, a regular “penis workout” with a pump can help.
Penis pumps tone vascularity in the penis, and over time, folks who use them are often able to get off erectile dysfunction medication. Here’s a guide to penis pumps, showing you the full benefits, how to use them, and my top recommendations.
15. Cut back on cocktails
While alcohol can help you relax in the moment, it’s also known to cause sexual dysfunction. Orgasming too soon, losing your erection, not being able to get hard at all – all documented effects of drinking too much.
If you suspect you need help easing off alcohol, look for a sobriety group or therapist. If you know you don’t have a problem, it’s OK to enjoy a drink every now and then – just take it easy when you anticipate sex.
I hope these tips help! Want a safe space to talk about lasting longer in bed? Come join us in SmartSX!
SmartSX is a members-only app for community and sex coaching. I created it for folks who know that sex is important to them, and want to develop skills in EVERY area. Partner communication, sexual technique, figuring out your turn ons, and how to be an amazing lover. Plus, you can be as anonymous as you want, so you can ask questions on topics like erectile health privately and discreetly. I know you’ll absolutely love it. Sign up right here.
