For couples, there are 8 sexual struggles that I hear all the time. All of these struggles have solutions, but I don’t want you to have to wait for a call-in show to get support. So I created SmartSX: an app and membership community where you can get answers and discussion around all your sex questions! 

SmartSX is truly amazing for couples, because you can connect with other people just like you. Couples going through the same challenges (and how they solved them), people who want to take control of their pleasure and have vastly better sex – and people who are kind, curious, and supportive. How comforting is that, to know you can talk to real ones who aren’t going to judge? 

SmartSX is open to everyone – We just launched and we’re hosting special events all month. Community support plus AMA’s, weekend sex challenges, sexpert workshops and so much more. Join us today!!

Here are 8 common sexual struggles for couples, and how you can start tackling them. For more personal solutions, join SmartSX where we’ll do a deep dive on each of these!

1. The Spark is Gone

The honeymoon phase of every relationship, or “new relationship energy” as it’s often called, lasts about six months to a year. After that, the spark fades for every couple. 

Whether you’re a year into your relationship or 20 years in, please know that you’re normal if the sexual spark isn’t there. Even if you had tons of sexual attraction at first, our brains habituate over time. The same person, the same moves, the same sex positions…

SOLUTION: Remember, high boredom = low libido. If the spark isn’t burning as bright as it once was, bring some novelty to the bedroom! A great place to start is my Yes No Maybe List, a menu of sex acts for you and your partner to check off individually. Look for your shared yes’s and try them out! This is a great first step to spicing things up and getting the sexual spark back.

2. Can’t Orgasm During Sex

This is a problem I mostly hear from people with a vulva. The fact is, penetrative sex usually isn’t enough for these folks to orgasm. If you’ve got a vulva, clitoral stimulation is practically *required* to help you orgasm.

Well over half of women can’t orgasm from penetrative sex alone – some studies show that 70% of women don’t orgasm at all during sex. That’s what we call the Orgasm Gap, where men are having orgasms most of the time during sex (around 95%), and most women are not having an orgasm during sex. That’s no way to live.  

SOLUTION: Make clitoral stimulation part of your foreplay or part of sex itself. This can include oral sex on the partner with a vulva, or using a vibrating sex toy. Sex toys are your teammates, not anyone’s competition! Plus there are very fun couple’s toys available these days (in SmartSX, I’ll teach you how to use them). 

3. Only One of You Initiates

You’re always the one asking for sex. You feel like your partner never approaches you. This can make you feel undesirable or insecure, like if you didn’t initiate, it might never happen.

This dynamic is very common: for there to be a chaser and a chasee in a sexual relationship. But if this set-up leaves one of you insecure (and the other partner feeling obligated to comply), resentment will eventually kick in – and that’s no good for anyone.

SOLUTION: The first step is a conversation. If one of you rarely wants to have sex, why? This is a time to be introspective and honest with yourself about what’s blocking you. You can also experiment with different forms of arousal, such as doing something heart-pumping together or getting dressed up for each other. We’ll be talking about this a LOT on SmartSX since it’s such a common struggle! 

4. Unpredictable Erections

If you’re having a tough time getting hard, or staying hard once you’re erect, you’re not alone. Age, various lifestyle factors, and anxiety can all play a role. 

Understandably, this can create a lot of nervousness around sex. You might feel afraid to do it at all, in case your penis doesn’t cooperate. 

SOLUTION: This is a struggle you can tackle with the right equipment! Specifically, training your penis with a pump (I’ve got a guide for that here), or wearing a penis ring to keep blood trapped in the penis. On SmartSX, we’ll talk about the deeper causes of erectile dysfunction and how to heal it, so you can have sex worry-free.

5. Baby Disruptions

You’ve got a newborn baby, and suddenly you’re underslept and exhausted. The partner that gave birth might also be healing!

Sex after baby is a near-universal struggle for parents. For the person who delivered the baby, their hormones are suppressing sexual urges. But that doesn’t necessarily make this issue easier.

SOLUTION: Most medical professionals recommend waiting at least 6 weeks after birth before trying penetrative sex. That doesn’t mean that one or both of you are in the mood for it though! To start bringing this element back into your relationship, I recommend expanding your definition of sex. Erotic massage and mutual masturbation are great ways to bring sexual pleasure back in the picture.

6. Clumsy Initiations 

We talked about one-sided initiations above, but there’s another complaint I hear often. It goes something like: “I would have sex, but not after the way they approached me.”

If there’s no flirtiness, no erotic energy, and no effort to cultivate desire – that’s a problem. A clumsy initiation can take the form of awkwardly asking for sex, demanding sex, or touching your partner before they’ve given consent. 

SOLUTION: Get curious about your partner’s turn ons. Do they like it when you playfully tease them? Do they like it when you compliment them? I can’t wait for the group chat in SmartSX on this topic. We’re all so different, and need different things to get aroused!

7. Finishing Too Fast

You ejaculate before you’re ready. It’s stressful and nerve wracking, and interferes with your ability to be in the moment. Instead of focusing on your partner, you’re hyper aware of your penile sensitivity.

So common! Many of us learned masturbation patterns when we were younger that “taught” our bodies to finish quickly. Some of us have a nerve overgrowth in our genitals, resulting in tons of sensitivity.  

SOLUTION: For the short-term, a high quality delay spray can give you more control. The only bummer is that some sprays dampen all of your sensations – including the pleasurable kinds. On SmartSX we’ll talk long-term solutions that put you back in the driver’s seat, without sacrificing your pleasure.

8. Sex is an Off-Limits Conversation

You want to talk about sex with your partner, but you don’t know where to start. Or maybe you tried once…and it didn’t go well.

The truth is, most of us go into fight-or-flight mode when sex is brought up. We’ve been conditioned to think that if we have to talk about our sex life, it’ll rob sex of its magic. But that’s not true at all – when it comes to sex, healthy communication ~is~ the magic. 

SOLUTION: Try a Sexual State of the Union. These are regular check-ins where you and your partner talk about what’s working in your sex life, and what you’d like more of. The goal of these conversations is two-fold: one, it helps you both get clear and collaborative on your sex life. But two, it simply gets you used to talking about sex! When sex becomes as normal a conversation as what’s for dinner, you can really start being real with each other…and from there, co-create the best sex of your lives. 

Intrigued? Join us on SmartSX! Your safe, fun place to explore personal topics exactly like these. It’s live now! I can’t WAIT to see you there.