Dear Emily, 

My partner has suggested that we try watching porn together but I’m so nervous and have no idea where to start. How can we find something we both like and also keep it from getting or feeling awkward? Thank you!

Kyla, 29 

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I love that you and your partner are starting to explore this with one another. We often think of watching porn as a solo activity, but I’m a huge fan of sharing the experience with a co-pilot. As long as it’s ethically made (more on this below) and doesn’t interfere with other areas of your life, there’s nothing wrong with watching porn, and in fact, doing so can provide a lot of benefits.

Watching porn with a partner adds an entirely new (and very erotic) element to the mix. Not only are you getting turned on, you’re also able to witness your partner experience arousal. Porn doesn’t have to isolate you from your significant other—it can bring you closer together. Here’s how:

The Benefits of Watching Porn With a Partner

• It breaks the ice: Talking with a partner about what porn you enjoy watching is a great way to start a conversation about your turn-ons. It can teach you things about each other’s sexuality and what arouses you.
• It provides inspiration: Porn can be a great source for hot, new ideas. You can discover adventurous sex positions, explore different fantasies, or get some roleplay inspo.  
• It helps you connect: Our fantasies are usually private, so showing your partner what you find sexy is next-level trust and intimacy. In other words, learning each others’ turn-ons and kinks will ultimately bring you closer together.

Of course, I’m not denying the fact that watching porn with a partner can feel awkward (it can at first!), but there are things you can do to build your confidence.

How to Get Get Started:

Have a pre-game conversation. If you’re nervous about this specific act, try having a more holistic conversation about your sex life beforehand. Are you eyeing a new toy? Is there a position you’d like to try? Maybe something you loved about a recent sexual encounter, that you’d like to do again? By openly sharing your sexual desires, it’ll make cueing up porn feel less abrupt. Just make sure to frame it as a personal curiosity, rather than  “our sex life needs this.” It might give your partner the wrong idea and think that your sex life is lacking.  Rather, acknowledge your nerves, and let your partner know that by sharing your desires, it’s helping you get ready for sexy porn viewing.  Once you have that first conversation, discuss what type of porn you like and pick out something you both might enjoy. Remember: having fantasies is totally healthy! Approach this conversation with an open mind and zero judgment. For more tips, check out our Communication Guide to know the Three T’s you need to communicate effectively.

Flip through the channels. When we watch porn alone, we’re usually afraid of getting caught or being judged. There might be some residual anxiety when you add a partner, so it’s okay to work through the feelings of unease until you’re both comfortable. You can also change what you’re watching and even stop altogether if it’s not working for either of you. It’s part of the discovery process!

Hot tip: Ethical porn is incredibly arousing, and is often more appealing to women because it focuses on portraying female pleasure and sexuality with honesty, storytelling, and nuance. Bellesa Plus is known as“the Netflix” of ethical porn, and it’s a great place to find content that shows authentic scenes. They have a wide range of categories and all of their content features real pleasure since the actors choose with whom they perform. Bonus! Bellesa Plus is offering a FREE WEEK of viewership. Surf the (sexy) channels and see what calls to you. Use the link here to start browsing.

Connect with each other as you watch. This isn’t the movie theater where you have to be silent—you can talk with your partner throughout the experience! As you watch, share what you like. Discussing each other’s fantasies as they play out in front of you not only eases awkwardness — very often, it spills over into arousal. 

Here’s something else you might keep in mind:  a lot of our turn-on’s are rooted in a core erotic fantasy. For instance, voyeurism is a common fantasy involving watching other people have sex (or vice-versa, exhibitionism, when you’re the one being watched), but the core erotic fantasy is doing something taboo or risky. The more porn you watch, the more you’ll learn about what excites you. 

I hope this leaves you feeling inspired and confident to try watching porn with a partner. And remember: it doesn’t need to be perfect the first time. It may take you some time to find your rhythm… but once you do, it will feel oh-so good. 

xx,

Emily