Ask Emily: How To Talk About New Positions

Dear Emily,

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost two years. We are still very much in love, but our sex life is not exactly what you would call exciting. Ever since we began having sex, it has always been the same missionary sex position–me on top, her on the bottom–and it’s beginning to get a bit old…

I am afraid that due to her inexperience with sex and relationships, (she has never had a serious boyfriend and had quite a few partners) her idea of what sex truly is and what it can be has been ruined. She seems content with just lying there with me on top.

There is nothing more I would love than to share all of my sexual energy with her and have her express her wants and desires so that we can both be together on a much deeper level, but I am afraid to bring it up!

How do I start a conversation like this, and when should I do it?


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Dear John,

How can she be ruined if she hasn’t had any experiences beyond missionary sex? If anything, she needs someone to show her all the possibilities of pleasure sex can have.

Many women grow up thinking that masturbation is taboo and something only boys do. They don’t think to explore their own bodies or prioritize their own pleasure during sex. If you have always had sex in missionary position, and you haven’t communicated that you’d like to try other things, she probably thinks that’s what you want.

You have been together for two years. There is absolutely no reason to beat around the bush. People respond much better to straightforward talk than hints. Tell her that you want to try some new sex positions. Emphasize that you want to pleasure her, and you think that trying new things will be enjoyable for you both. You don’t have to initiate this conversation while you’re hovering over her body in bed. Bring it up on Sunday morning when you’re reading the paper and sipping on coffee. Keep the conversation casual, but be direct about what you want.

You need to be more confident in the bedroom if you want your sex life to change. As you communicate with her about how to move, guide her body into the sex position. Flip her on top, move her legs on top of your shoulders, or get behind her for doggie style. Have patience and a sense of humor if the positions feel awkward at first. Ask her what feels good and what doesn’t. Hopefully, you’ll find your groove soon and have a more fulfilling sex life with your girlfriend.