Ask Emily: I Hate Giving My Partner Oral Sex

Brunette Holding Hair In Front Of Her oral Mouth
Dear Dr. Emily,

I have a confession: I hate giving blow jobs.

The first and last real time that I tried going down on a guy, it was horrible. He smelled really bad down there, and when I tried to just power through it, he pushed my head down and I gagged. He lost his erection and we never hooked up again. Ever since then, I’ve avoided giving BJ’s at all costs.

Now, I’m with a really good guy who is so kind and loving to me. He has made it known that he really LOVES getting blow jobs (even more than sex!) and I really want to give him one, but I keep thinking back to that bad experience. How do I get over my oral sex fears and give him the amazing blow job he deserves?



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Dear Katie,

This seems to be a common thread in sex. People have one bad experience–whether with oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, or something else–and it’s enough to turn them against the activity forever. Let’s take a few deep breaths and break it down. If you had one bad experience with mint n’ chip ice cream, would you swear off all other ice cream flavors for eternity? Of course not!

While I understand that you may be suffering from a tragic case of PTOD (post traumatic oral disorder), please realize that not all oral sex is the same. The key to conquering your oral fear is to face it head on.

Oral sex can be an extremely erotic and intimate act, but only with the right attitude. Think about it, the things you do best in life are the things you enjoy, right? If you’re going down on him with the same amount of enthusiasm usually reserved for swallowing a spoonful of cough syrup, no one is going to have a good time.

So how do you learn to enjoy something that up until now, you’ve actively hated? Here are four tips to help you go down like you mean it:

1. You’ve got the oral power.

Aside from the occasional head-pusher (which, for the record, is unacceptable BJ behavior) giving a blow job is one of the few times when someone relinquishes all control and puts their pleasure in your hands…or mouth, as the case may be! When you’re down there, you have one job and one job only: make their eyes roll back into his head. Knowing that you have the ability to satisfy someone in a way that they can’t themself is a very powerful feeling. And since you hold the power to please and tease, it’s up to you to make the most of it!

2. Fake it until you make it.

Okay, I get it… You’re probably not going to immediately start loving oral sex the first time around. Luckily for you, this is one of the few occasions when faking enthusiasm is actually a good thing. Much like we do when the roles are reversed, your partner wants to feel like you are having a good time down there. I’m not saying you need to take it to porn star levels of enjoyment, but a few well-timed “mmm”s and some sultry eye contact could be just the thing to send your partner into another world of pleasure. And before you know it, you may find yourself kind of getting into it as well.

3. Get turned on by turning someone on.

This is a lovely side effect of performing oral sex on someone, and doing it well. The act of pleasing someone can be quite the turn-on, in itself. They say that the largest sex organ is the brain, and I don’t know about you, but my brain really loves seeing the person I’m with writhing in pleasure. It gets off on the knowledge that I did that. I made someone make those sounds. I made someone’s toes curl. This is a fantastic way to get yourself in the mood, while also giving the best gift a you can give.

4. Respect the law of oral reciprocity.

So say you commit fully to the task at hand, and the fruits of your labor are written all across your partner’s pleasure-flushed face. Now it’s your turn! Give a little, get a little. Whether your partner is naturally giving, or tends to hold back on the oral stuff, this is your opportunity to cash in your oral sex voucher! Now your only job is to lie back, close your eyes and happily get what’s coming to you.

Just as in the case of avocados and black tea, as we grow, our sexual tastes grow with us. You may not have liked brusells sprouts as a kid, but as an adult, you began to recognize the health benefits and managed to adapt your tastes accordingly. Same thing applies here. For the right person, you can certainly learn to love giving BJ’s.



Originally posted on Patti Knows, Patti Stanger’s Website: “PTOD: Post Traumatic Oral Disorder – How to Love Going Down On Your Man