Ask Emily: I Hate Giving My Partner Oral Sex

woman licking lollipop
Dear Dr. Emily,

I have a confession: I hate giving blow jobs.

The first and last real time that I tried going down on a guy, it was horrible. He smelled really bad down there, and when I tried to just power through it, he pushed my head down and I gagged. He lost his erection and we never hooked up again. Ever since then, I’ve avoided giving BJ’s at all costs.

Now, I’m with a really good guy who is so kind and loving to me. He has made it known that he really LOVES getting blow jobs (even more than sex!) and I really want to give him one, but I keep thinking back to that bad experience. How do I get over my oral sex fears and give him the amazing blow job he deserves?



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Dear Katie,

I hear this a lot. People have a bad experience–whether with oral sex, anal sex, sex toys, or something else–and it’s enough to turn them off forever. Let’s take a few deep breaths and break down some ways you can overcome your oral sex fear and face it head on.

Oral sex can be an extremely erotic and intimate act, but only if both partners are into it. Think about it, the things you do best in life are the things you enjoy, right? If you’re giving a penis owner a blowjob with the same amount of enthusiasm usually reserved for swallowing a spoonful of cough syrup, no one is going to have a good time.

So how do you learn to enjoy something that up until now, you’ve actively avoided? Here are 4 tips to help you give a better blowjob (and mean it):

1. You’ve got the oral power.

Aside from the occasional head-pusher (which, for the record, is unacceptable BJ behavior) giving a blow job is one of the few times when someone relinquishes all control and puts their pleasure in your hands…or mouth, as the case may be. When you’re down there, you have one job: make their eyes roll back into their head. Knowing that you have the ability to satisfy someone in a way that they can’t do themselves can be a very powerful feeling. And since you hold the power to please and tease, you can set the pace, depth, and overall experience.

2. Make a little noise and some eye contact.

Much like we do when the roles are reversed, your partner wants to feel like you are having a good time down there. I’m not saying you need to take it to porn star levels of enjoyment, but a few well-timed “mmm”s and some sultry eye contact could be just the thing to send your partner into another world of pleasure.

3. Play the lube game.

Flavored lubes might have a negative reputation, but I assure you that there are some great ones out there. Adding in your favorite flavor (Salted Caramel anyone?) will likely increase your enthusiasm when getting involved with a penis. System Jo has some amazing options—browse their lineup and combine your next oral adventure with a lube tasting.

4. Get turned on by turning someone on.

This is a lovely side effect of performing oral sex on someone and doing it enthusiastically. The act of pleasing someone can be quite the turn-on in itself. The largest sex organ is the brain, and I don’t know about you, but my brain really loves seeing the person I’m with writhing in pleasure. I get off on the knowledge that I did that. I made someone moan. I gave someone an orgasm. Giving can be a fantastic way to get yourself in the mood.