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Have Good Sex

Let’s talk about vanilla sex. “Vanilla sex” or “vanilla” is often used to describe people whose sex lives are mainstream, plain, or boring. While kink and BDSM have been becoming more and more popular and hogging the sexual spotlight, vanilla sex is often left behind. Some people even use the term in a derogatory sense. But let me clue you in on a little secret: you don’t need to be kinky in order to have good sex. In fact, a pure vanilla experience can be one of the best flavors out there. 

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Getting bored with your typical sex routine? There’s a laundry list of ways you can mix it up, one of which is Role-Play. Role-playing is easy, fun, and lets you explore realities that are imaginary or sometimes even taboo. As humans, we role-play more often than we realize. Doing it in a sexual way allows us to expand our comfort zones, discover fantasies, and marry our mental arousal with our physical.

If you’re new to the game of grown-up pretending, here are some tips and ideas to make role-play your way to great sex. 

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Today’s episode is all about one of my favorite topics: masturbation. Specifically, we’re getting into “doomsturbating,” or masturbating in order to distract yourself when the world feels like just too much. But how much masturbating is too much? Like anything in life, there’s a limit—here’s how to know if you’ve reached yours. 
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Dear Emily,

My boyfriend and I have a great sex life, but there is one issue that keeps popping up. He recently asked me to pleasure myself in front of him, and it’s not the first time he has made this request. I masturbate from time to time, but never in front of another person! I feel like masturbation is such a private activity and trying to do it in front of him feels awkward and forced. The last time he asked, I got angry and told him to do it himself and see how it feels, but my plan backfired because he totally loved it. Why is this such a big turn on for him? And how can I masturbate for my BF without feeling so uncomfortable?

Self-Love Self Conscious

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Tantric Sex

You’ve likely heard the phrase “tantric sex,” but do you actually know what it means? Derived from the Sanskrit word for “woven together,” tantric sex is a practice with roots dating back over 5,000 years. It’s a practice that has been in existence since literally the beginning of time—the concepts of tantra were created by Hindu people and Buddhists as early as the beginning of the first millennium A.D. 

Tantra sexology is used as a metaphor for weaving together humanity and the divine in order to create a sacred sexual practice that teaches slow, non-orgasmic sexual intercourse. Sexual partners who try tantric sex often end up cultivating a greater sense of pleasure and a way of “dissolving into each other” at the end of their practice—making it a great way to bring couples together. 

Why Should I Give Tantric Sex A Try? 

The work of tantra pays off. Tantric sex experts believe that being intentional with the time you put into your sexual practice will result in a feeling of extreme bliss and enlightenment. The tantric practice promotes self-awareness and intentional action that can enhance your sexual experiences. It can also teach you balance and connection that will help you to build greater intimacy with your partner while cultivating a deeper awareness of your own body.

During sex, we too often lose sight of what we want out of the experience and do not question if we’re really enjoying ourselves or not. But tantra allows us to become fully present in the sexual moment, which can help us to feel new sensations in their entirety. If you struggle to let go of stress from the outside world during sex and concentrate on what is happening at the moment, it may be beneficial to give tantra a try.

How To Perform Tantric Sex

Since tantric sex is not goal-oriented, the trick to having an incredible and authentic tantric experience is to focus on making foreplay enjoyable until the experience ends naturally. The experience usually starts with eye contact and matching each other’s breathing. 

Tantra is all about keeping the energy flowing continuously through your body, so try to release any tension you feel that you may be holding before you begin your practice. Most tantra experts also recommend changing up your environment during your practice and not staying on a bed while performing tantric sex, as this may trigger the sleep button in your brain. 

Try lying down on the floor with your partner instead. Take your time leisurely exploring their body and touching each other. Experiment with a variety of touches—from firm massage to gentle strokes. Most importantly, take time to focus on your breathing. If your mind begins to wander during this practice, simply focus on inhaling and exhaling in time with your partner in order to recenter your mind and body. 

If you still find you can’t last beyond ten minutes, don’t give up, and don’t be too hard on yourself! Tantric sex takes time to master because of our deeply ingrained, Western views of how sex should be. 

The key here is to let go of expectation and focus on the journey rather than an end goal. We have been trained to expect sex to have a beginning, middle, and end. With practice, you can begin to let go of this mindset and stop focusing your energy on an obvious conclusion. This will also allow for you to be able to control your body so that you can further delay climax and experience more intense orgasms—talk about a win-win situation. 

If you’re interested in trying out tantric sex practices with your partner, start an open dialogue and share why you find it interesting. The act of tantric sex is extremely rewarding and a beautiful opportunity to get further in touch with your own sexual nature, bringing you closer to both your partner and yourself. 

Sami Harris is a freelance writer and social media consultant born and raised in Orange County, California. She is currently the written editor for Jawbreaker Zine, has bylines in Pure Nowhere, Clover Letter, Adolescent Content, Uniquely Aligned, Also Cool Mag, Lithium Magazine, Always In A Funk, and Odyssey Online, and work forthcoming in Sumou Mag and Polemical Zine.

October Sexoscope

Welcome to October, my star crossed lovers! Can you feel the energy shifting in the air?  This month we’re celebrating and exploring sexual fantasies, so get ready for shorter days and longer nights to unravel your dark desires. Not sure where to get started? Let the October Sexoscope be your guide.

October has a few important and significant Moon events that are sure to open doors to understanding ourselves and the world around us,  including a Blue Moon on Halloween. As we come closer to this magical night, we should all take advantage of the opportunity to go deeper in our spiritual journeys by reflecting and refreshing on our present days.

Start this month with new things you want to integrate into your life and letting go of the old. By October 13, Mercury goes retrograde in Scorpio, making it important to address intimacy and vulnerability in our relationships. The Blue Moon on October 31st is in Taurus, and therefore destined to awaken our sensual wants and needs. Try not to be stubborn, but instead authentically open yourself up to your desires.


Looking for something to amp up your sex life? Time to bring play into pleasure, Aries. Bring the battle into your bedroom by playing new athletic sex games. There’s no winners or losers when it’s fun for everyone.


Words mean everything during this season, so don’t let anyone get them twisted! While you might enjoy luscious gifts, you’ll really enjoy some delectable sex talk. Suggest that your partner whisper their desires before the fun begins in order to amp up anticipation.


Sex isn’t about the destination, but the duality of curiosity and pleasure. And who knows duality more than my dear Geminis? Go on a sexual discovery journey with yourself or someone you would like to know better. 


There’s a lot going on in the world and that can be so overwhelming for your emotions and energies. If you feel like hiding under the covers, please in a warm body or great sex toy. Remember, your vulnerability makes you stronger!


It’s all about you, dear lions. Bring self-pleasure to a new level and, if you are brave enough, show someone how you like to do it best. Focus on how you’re feeling and keep fueling the flames that heat you up.


Don’t deny yourself the timeouts you need to get in touch with your massive sensuality. A bath with scents and candles is in order. Look into the ways to take your sexual self-care to the next level and then translate that love to your relationships.


It seems like you’ve been out of harmony in your personal and private spheres, making it hard for you to feel centered. If you need to rebalance, try a new position and a new safe word to help you find yourself again. (After all, it is your season.) You can also find some new toys to add to your collection and make yourself feel extra special.


This season is the perfect playground for your dark desires. You can talk more deeply in intimate ways, and be more persuasive than ever before about the perks of sexual commitment. Express what you want with your partner, who is sure to aim to please your hunger.


It seems like you’ve been either restless or looking for new ways to open doors to your fantasies. If you can’t leave the house, at least you can spend time seeing exquisitely produced erotic dramas and reading some sizzling novels. Curling up to new sexy practices will inspire your curiosity.


Don’t let the bad news into your bed–you have control over more than you think. Channel your inner dom this season; make sure your sex life is all about what’s good for you and whomever you desire. 


Setting boundaries will lead to better sex, dear Aquarius. Turn off the noise and turn on the poise. If anxiety or too many thoughts are invading your head during sex, it’s time to take a breath to enjoy the moment. Let your sex partner(s) know how to help you slow down and get out of your head. 


If ever there was a time to daydream about sex, it is now. Whenever and wherever you can, lose yourself in a moment of sexual bliss recall. What fantasies do you go to when you let your mind wander? As a water sign, let your thoughts ebb and flow into your next move.

Jennifer Freed PhD is the best selling author of Use Your Planets Wisely and a renowned psychological astrologer and social and emotional education trainer. She has spent over thirty years consulting clients and businesses world wide on psychological, spiritual, and educational topics. She has served as the clinical director of Pacifica Graduate Institute and is national consultant for EMDR (Post Traumatic Growth Therapies).

​Dr. Freed’s passion is to awaken the potentials of each client and collective and to guide them to make lasting contributions to their communities.  

If you’re trying to focus on self-improvement these days, you’re not alone. In today’s episode, Violet Benson talks about how isolation helped her develop a newfound appreciation for self-love and confidence. Violet is also the founder of @DaddyIssues on Instagram and the host of the podcast, Too Tired To Be Crazy. Not only does she discuss her new favorite vibrator, but she also shares how she learned to stop dating toxic people, the new ways she loves her body, and reveals her secret hookup with Too Hot To Handle’s Francesca Fargo.
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