When it comes to stress and sex, I typically hear one of two things from people:
“If I’m stressed out, there’s no WAY I can think about sex.”
Or:
“Sex is my stress relief. It’s my favorite thing after a long day.”
Both of these feelings are equally valid. And neither is “better” than the other, by the way.
But in a sexual context, these feelings do give us crucial intel about the stress load each partner is carrying, and what each partner needs to cope and reconnect.
How Stress Can Lower Sex Drive
Chronic stress can (and usually will) lower your sex drive. That’s because each time you experience stress, your body shoots out cortisol. But over time, heightened cortisol production actually suppresses testosterone production. And as one of the key hormones involved in sexual arousal for all genders, lowered testosterone = lowered libido.
But a lowered libido can create additional anxiety inside a relationship. All partners suffer if resent builds up, and there’s a lack of understanding or closeness.
If you’re the type of person who views sex as stress relief, you may be going: “I don’t get it. Let’s just have sex and you’ll feel better?”
How Stress Can Heighten Sex Drive
On the flip side, I talk to people all the time who don’t characterize their stress as chronic, but rather, incidental. Someone cut you off in traffic, you were late to an appointment, even a rough day at work. It’s often the case that these folks turn to sex for stress relief. Here’s why that might be.
Remember what I said about cortisol? Along with adrenaline, it’s the hormone associated with fight or flight. Adrenaline makes your heart beat faster, your breathing go faster, your blood to flow more freely. In other words…it’s your system getting aroused.
If you get stressed here and there, then these little shots of adrenaline (which also happen from things like rock climbing and eating spicy food) can definitely be channeled into sex. Remember: arousal is neither good nor bad, it’s just your bodily response to stimuli. When stress becomes chronic, that’s when a lowered sex drive kicks in. But if you’re lucky enough to experience stress incidentally, I’m not surprised if sex sounds appealing as a coping mechanism.
How to Manage Stress and Sex
No matter your stress level, your sex drive is never gone forever – even when it dips. But if you want sex to be a part of your life, here are a few things I recommend.
- Soothing, Non-Sexual Touch. Surprise! My first tip isn’t sex itself. But whether it’s a professional massage, taking turns giving rubdowns or straight-up cuddling, your nervous system goes from “fight or flight” mode to “rest and digest” mode when you receive supportive touch.
- Explore Cannabis (Wisely). Not everyone is a cannabis person, and that’s completely OK. But if it works well for your system, there are brands out there that make products specifically geared towards gentle, sexual arousal. VIIA makes High Love Gummies, which are infused with THC, CBD, and herbal aphrodisiacs like damiana and horny goat weed. The effect is full-body euphoria (yay!), with a boosted sex drive. Take 30 mins to an hour before you’d like to connect. If you’re not a cannabis person, VIIA also carries a full line of THC-free products tailored for sleep, relief, and focus, helping you enhance your everyday life and overall well being without the added high.
- Movement. Any Kind. Realizing I’m the 100th person in your life to recommend exercise for stress, sorry – but it’s true. Exercise helps metabolize our stress hormones, by reducing levels of cortisol and adrenaline. It also releases endorphins, your body’s feel-good chemicals. If you’re in a relationship you can even turn dates into fitness hangs, which is not only good for stress but also great for turning you both on.
- Don’t Stop Communicating. If you’re in a relationship, you might feel irritated and resentful if stress has tanked your sex life. But these are the kinds of feelings that compound things, so don’t stew in silence – talk to each other. My Three T’s Guide is a good start for opening a challenging conversation. For deeper help, therapy can help relationships partners communicate more effectively, create stress-relief rituals, and vastly improve sex life.
- Masturbate. Sometimes giving yourself erotic touch is just what you need to bring your sex drive back from a stress-induced slumber. This does a couple things: it stokes your sexual imagination and takes your mind off the stressor, and, it reconnects you with your body so you aren’t so trapped in your head. Here, I walk you through a mindful masturbation practice.
Understanding your stress and sex type is essential for maintaining a healthy, fulfilling sexual relationship. By recognizing and respecting your own and each other’s needs, you can better support each other and keep the intimacy alive.
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