You Don’t Need to Be Kinky to Have Good Sex

couple kissing in a field

Let’s talk about vanilla sex. “Vanilla sex” or “vanilla” is often used to describe people whose sex lives are mainstream, plain, or boring. While kink and BDSM have been becoming more and more popular and hogging the sexual spotlight, vanilla sex is often left behind. Some people even use the term in a derogatory sense. But let me clue you in on a little secret: you don’t need to be kinky in order to have good sex. In fact, a pure vanilla experience can be one of the best flavors out there. 

I say no more to this “vanilla shaming.” Don’t yuck someone else’s yum! Instead, focus on the reasons why vanilla is awesome.

There’s still lots of room to play.

Vanilla is actually a larger category of sex than you might think. Often, vanilla sex includes slower, loving touch, deep kissing, lots of eye contact, and romance. For some, these are key ingredients for good sex. 

As one of my kinky friends puts it, “vanilla” really just refers to someone who prefers more straightforward sexual activity. Maybe this is without an overlay of extra thought, planning, or intention that kinks and fetishes do. That doesn’t mean vanilla sex can’t be just as exploratory as kink. Since vanilla tends to focus on the physical act without the psychological influence of say, BDSM, you can take advantage of those physical acts by being fully present and mindful during sex.

It’s the mac-n-cheese of sex.

I once asked one of my friends to describe vanilla sex. She described it as,  “the mac-n-cheese of sex.” Some people might consider mac-n-cheese boring, but there is a reason people love comfort food. Embrace the comfort. Pull it over you like a warm blanket. Juicy, loving vanilla sex with someone you trust is as yummy as a homemade macaroni casserole. Eat it up!

Missionary is underrated.

Vanilla sex has long been connected to the “missionary” position. Yet, the standard ‘ol position of missionary can be so satisfying and sexy AF. One of the reasons missionary is so hot is the eye contact, and more eye contact often equals more intimacy. For some, this level of connection takes sex from a kindergarten level to magna cum laude (pun intended).

In addition, missionary is sometimes a desirable position for female orgasm, as it can stimulate the clitoris. And if you’ve ever experienced a clitoral orgasm, you know there’s nothing boring about that.

Savor that vanilla cream.

In fact, vanilla sex can be a great way to achieve orgasm. While BDSM or kink or fetishes don’t always involve genital contact, vanilla is centered on it, which means a chance to hit the big O. If you are vanilla, try making it a goal to enhance your orgasms. There’s nothing hotter than someone getting off on something, so who cares if it is vanilla? Turn your vanilla turn-ons into a heyday for deeper orgasms! 

Get the toys out and learn how to cum harder and faster. Use a vibe during sex or masturbation. I like the powerful Magic Wand. You can also play around with a couple’s vibe, like the We-Vibe Chorus. Take advantage of the power of deeper orgasms in your sex life. 

It’s not all about kink!

As a BDSM coach, I often help couples find common ground in their individual desires. Many times, one partner is “kinkier” than the other. The more “vanilla” partner tends to label themselves as “not kinky enough,” as if somehow there is a sexual hierarchy.

I tell them the same thing I’m telling you: start considering “vanilla” sex (ie, regular” intercourse) as a kink, just like your other kinks. If you are super kinky, vanilla can also provide a lovely break between heavy BDSM sessions.

If your partner is vanilla and you’re kinky, you both need to explore your common ground and expand on it. Often I find with my coaching clients that one partner will label themselves as “vanilla” when in fact they reveal non-vanilla sexual preferences. This could include things like cuckoldry, role play, or impact play. Take a sexual exploration questionnaire and see what activities you and your partner are both interested in. You will not only discover things about your interior erotic life, but you may discover things about your partner, too.

Botton line? Vanilla is simply a flavor and a good one at that. Don’t get stuck on the label, just indulge.

Emily Anne is a bestselling author, sex coach, and educator, who specializes in helping people expand their sexual horizons through BDSM and kink. When she’s not obsessively talking about sex, she’s hiking through the Hollywood Hills. Get some sexy education on her Instagram feed.