Sex may have a pleasurable reputation, but in actuality…pain during sex is common. Nearly 75% of women report having had painful sex at some point (bummer), and the causes are many. A partner who’s too vigorous and skips foreplay. Pelvic adhesions. Vaginosis. Irritated skin from working out or sex itself. So many reasons!
Menopause is also a driving factor of painful sex. If you’ve got a vulva, your hormone levels change in your late 40s and early 50s, on average, as your body approaches this next life chapter. This results in thinning vaginal walls, vaginal atrophy and decreased lubrication.
But you do not have to live with painful sex! Pleasure is your birthright and I want you to have solutions. If sex hurts (and it hurts regularly), try these 12 tips.
1. Get an exam
If it’s been a minute since you’ve been to the OB-GYN, book an appointment. They can check for scar tissue (which can show up after childbirth), pelvic adhesions (which can result from endometriosis), cysts, or uterine prolapse, all of which contribute to painful sex.
2. Have your hormones tested
Those with a vulva typically start approaching menopause in their late 40s or early 50s. During this time estrogen levels and progesterone levels decrease, resulting in vaginal dryness. If you’re transitioning into menopause and opt for hormone therapy (proven to be safe and effective), it can relieve dryness usually in a matter of months.
3. Use a growth factor serum on your vulvovaginal area
Another feature of menopause and perimenopause (the lead-up to menopause, occurring during your 40s) is more fragile vaginal tissues. But just like face skincare, growth factors are entering the market for other areas of your body. V-Health makes a serum you apply at night, restoring your vaginal lining as you sleep. It contains growth factors that supports the body’s natural ability to heal itself, and regenerates the delicate skin here. The result is a stronger, thicker and more flexible vaginal lining that makes sex much more comfortable. Use code EMILY20 for 20% off your serum!
4. Do kegels
If you have a weak pelvic floor you might have something called dyspareunia: persistent pain during sex, and is more common past menopause. But it can be caused by weak pelvic floor muscles, which you can absolutely tone. Kegels improve blood circulation in the pelvic region and strengthen your pelvic floor muscle. Squeeze like you’re trying to pause the flow of urine, hold for 10 seconds, and release – that’s a kegel. Do 10 times, three times a day. Or, go for the gold and get a kegel trainer.
5. Try a sex wedge
Sometimes sex is painful because laying flat (in missionary for example) does not work for our bodies. A sex wedge with a firm inner core changes the incline of your vagina, which is key for comfort. The Prim by Tabu is a wedge developed by sex therapists to help relieve painful sex, and bonus…it’s the most gorgeous. Get yours for 10% off here (discount automatically applied).
6. Apply lube
Lubricant increases your odds of pleasure and orgasm by at least 50%. Minor skin irritations and dryness can make sex feel painful, but the right, sexy slip can instantly make things feel better. Obsessed with this product right now!
7. Take a supplement with saffron
When your body’s in a general state of inflammation, sex can feel ultra sensitive and not in a good way: your vaginal walls can swell, you can get muscle tension in your pelvic floor, and your genital nerve endings register pain. But saffron is clinically proven to help reduce inflammation, which is why I’ve been relying on it for a few years now. Solaray makes a supplement line I love called Her Life Stages, and the Menopause formula is anchored by saffron. Which – score – has also been proven to help with sleep and mood. Take 15% off your entire order with code SEXWITHEMILY.
8. Insert an anal plug
Remember how I said that your vagina angle changes during menopause? Inserting an angle plug can correct the angle, and help you explore a very fun erogenous zone. If you’re an absolute beginner, look for a small size, apply lube liberally, and consider a vibrating plug. The vibrations help relax the sphincter muscles, and feel really good.
9. Explore CBD or THC sex helpers
Both CBD and THC are vasodilators, opening up blood vessels for increased flow and pain relief. My favorite cannabis company, VIIA Hemp Co., makes an awesome THC-free formula called Revive. It’s got reishi for relaxation, 5HTP to boost your mood, and CBD to bring down pain (read the reviews, they’re actually pretty moving about the pain relief). Take a Revive gummy about an hour before you want to have sex. Get 15% off with code EMILY.
10. Try diaphragmatic breathing
Deep breathing helps your pelvic floor muscle relax, and that’s essential for sex. If your pelvic floor muscles are tight, insertion of any kind can be extremely painful. Try “belly breathing” while lying down, for 5-10 minutes daily, by inhaling into your belly and watching it rise, exhaling slowly and watching it fall. You can also apply this technique prior to insertion during sex.
11. Change positions
Relieving painful sex could be as simply as switching positions. If there’s an anatomical mismatch for example, you might need a position that’s a little, ehh…gentler. Try spooning for shallower penetration, or being on top so you can control the depth and the angle.
12. Visit a pelvic floor therapist
Vaginismus is a condition where the vagina involuntarily tightens, making penetration of any kind extremely painful. A pelvic floor specialist can work with you to relax chronically strained, tight muscles, so you can develop healthy tone. When your pelvic floor health improves, sex feels immensely better.
What are you trying for painful sex? Come find me on Instagram and let’s talk!
Great lovers aren’t born, they’re taught. Download the SmartSX app and join the sexiest community you could ever ask for.
