Vigorous sex can be both fun and exciting but because it’s a more intense type of sex, you need to have a) communication skills on-lock b) a few go-to techniques you can try with a partner, and c) consent, guidelines, and boundaries established. 

The beauty of rougher sex is that it can also be interchangeable with other forms of intimacy, offering a great way to spice things up and explore different power dynamics within your sexual connection.

It’s a legitimate part of the diverse spectrum of sexual tastes. The key is ensuring everything is explicitly consensual, openly discussed, and safe. 

What is vigorous sex?

Most people would describe vigorous sex as more physically intense and passionate than your garden-variety lovemaking. As the more raw, primal version of hooking up, it can look a lot of ways. But generally, I would say rough sex includes some form of (**consensual**):

• Impact play: think spanking or slapping.
• Restraining: pinning someone’s wrists down, for example.
• Pain or breath play: choking (aka erotic asphyxiation), scratching, biting.

Commanding language, dirty talk, and Dominance/submission can also add to the vibe. If you’re into kinky power dynamics, rough sex might be something to add to your repertoire. 

Why do we want it? 

Vigorous sex is liberating. It’s an escape from the buttoned-up confines of polite society. And when you’re doing rough sex with someone you trust, you can safely explore:

• Freedom in bed. Rough sex allows us to feel wilder than we do in everyday life.
• Taboo / naughtiness. Rough sex also makes us feel transgressive, like we’re doing something we shouldn’t.
• Increased intimacy. Rough sex is vulnerable! You wouldn’t let just anyone drag their fingernails down your back. 
• Heightened arousal. Rough sex can be athletic, so your blood is pumping harder. That means more genital sensitivity, heavier breathing, and bigger orgasms.

Only do it if you’re down.

If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no. Vigorous sex can be exciting and fun, but it’s also sensitive. These kinds of moves can bring up emotional stuff, whether you’re giving or receiving so open communication and verbal consent are mandatory. 

Consent questions could look like:

How would it feel if we tried ___?

I’d love to try ___ with you, what do you think?

May I ___ (bite / scratch / pull your hair / etc ) a little?

If it’s your first time or you’re with a new partner, err on the safe side and have continuous check-ins. Remember: you can be both aggressive and considerate! When everyone feels respected and comfortable, it’s way easier to get into that rough and tumble state of mind. It all goes back to trust: the more you trust each other, the deeper you can go.

Don’t go hard all at once and try a safe word.

A common misconception about rough sex is that it’s ALL rough. Not so! One of the most enjoyable aspects of rough sex is the steady build of intensity.

Stay present, go slow, and tune into your partner to see what they’re loving or not. Safe words are essential for maintaining boundaries and ensuring security. I recommend choosing something easy to remember, like the traffic light system: “red” for stop, “yellow” for slow down, and “green” for keep going. Discuss and agree on the safe word before any activity to ensure clear communication and consent in the moment.

7 ways to play

If you’ve never tried rough sex with your partner before, here are some inspo ideas:

1. Restraining

Press their hips into the wall while you make out, hold their wrists down when you’re on top of them, hold their thighs firmly during oral sex. Having one’s movement restrained can feel super hot, a “helpless” feeling that appeals to folks with sub tendencies. For those who want to delve a bit deeper, bondage tape or rope can also be versatile tools. This kit works with any mattress or bed frame and comfortably restrains your partner’s wrists and ankles, so you can use your hands freely.

2. Spanking

Begin with light, open-handed slaps and aim for the middle of the cheek to gauge comfort and pleasure levels. It’s important to keep the strikes away from the kidneys and spine to avoid injury .

As you progress, check in frequently with your partner to see if the pressure is okay or if they want it harder or softer.

3. Body/face ejaculation

Ejaculating on your partner can be super hot, but it’s all about consent and comfort. For the face, avoid sensitive spots like the eyes and nose—have them close their eyes or turn slightly if needed. For the body, spots like the chest, back, or thighs can be just as erotic. Aim carefully, communicate, and make sure it’s enjoyable for both of you.

If you want to make the big finish visually satisfying… You can use a supplement to increase your ejaculatory volume, and right now Popstar is hands-down the best option for this. It’s infused with pineapple enzymes that make semen taste sweeter, a lipid that helps increase ejaculatory volume, and an herbal extract that increases seminal fluid. 

4. Nail play

Run your fingernails down their back while you’re in missionary, or gently press your nails into their thighs or booty while going down on them. Playing with pressure is the move here, avoid scratching.

5. Hair-pulling

Start by running your fingers through your partner’s hair for a sensual touch. If you escalate to pulling, grab close to the scalp to avoid painful tugging. Communicate throughout, checking in on how they feel and if they enjoy the intensity.

6. Nipple play

Squeezing nipples, nibbling on nipples, stimulating nipples with a toy: all fun. Because nipples are packed with nerve endings, this tends to feel good for everyone/all genders, and you can make it more exciting with teasing and denial:

• Use a finger vibe: run it across their nipples while it vibrates — feels incredible. You can alternate this technique with biting nipples, or alternate the finger vibe between nipples and genitals. This one from OhMiBod is absolutely lovely: easy to hold, cute color, and totally waterproof. 
• Use vibrating nipple clamps: you control the vibrations with a remote. Have them put on the clamps, then tease them at will. If they get impatient and demand vibrations, you can enact some playful punishments. Obsessed with the Sphinx toy for this purpose, which you can also wear underneath clothes.

7. Choking

Apply pressure to the sides of the throat, not the front where the trachea is. Obviously this is an area where we want to be careful. Try it on yourself first before you try it with a partner, to get a feel for how much pressure to use. 

A safe action (as opposed to a safe word) is useful here too. You could make a rule for example that if they tap your arm, that means immediately stop. 

Have aftercare

Even if everyone had a hot, great time during vigorous sex, I recommend following it up with tenderness. “Aftercare” is a catch-all term for cuddles, talking, closeness — anything that makes you both feel safe. It’s a nice contrast to the roughness! But it also allows for bonding after doing something admittedly vulnerable together.

Vigorous sex is one of those things where it’s really helpful to talk to other people. And to be able to ask things like, “what’s an example of a safe word that doesn’t sound silly?” If you’d like a safe space to ask questions, get on the list for SmartSX: my new members-only community app! You’ll get exclusive access to experts and workshops, but you’ll also be able to have open and honest talks with other members about topics like this one. Enter your phone number or email here and be the first to know when SmartSX drops.