Sex is inherently messy (just ask your bedsheets). But lately, I’m getting more questions about a different kind of mess: the one you make deliberately. 

Maybe bodily fluids are having a moment. Maybe we’re all increasingly accepting of our various kinks. Maybe it’s pornography. No matter how you got here, welcome to your messy sex era. 

First things first: do you have a sex mat? They’re a good idea if you’re entering the world of messy sex, and like your bedding (or furniture).  I love my mat from playdrop* – it’s cute, discreet, doesn’t do the annoying bunch thing, washable, and super soft. It’s also perfect for period sex, heavier fluid ejaculation, or those of you who use a lot of lubricant (cue the applause). 

Now throw that sex mat down and let’s have some fun. 

Squirting

AKA, ejaculation for vulva owners 

There are a few basic steps to squirting:

• Try it first through masturbation. If you’re a novice, it’s more difficult to pull off for the first time during partnered sex. BUT with practice, you can totally add this to your partner play repertoire. 
• Have a clitoral orgasm first. This engorges your internal clitoral network. But the key is to have that orgasm without numbing everything out. My favorite trick: use the Magic Wand to masturbate over your underwear. It’s incredibly strong and large (seriously – over a foot long), its vibes penetrate clothing, and after you orgasm with it, you’ll still be sensitive enough to proceed to the next step.
• Let the penetration begin. If you’re using a toy, like a G-spot massager, a rabbit vibe or a dual stimulator, position it to stimulate the erectile tissue of your G-spot. It’s about two inches up inside your vagina, on the front wall towards your belly. If you’re with a partner, try standing and bending forward a bit, while they penetrate you from behind
• Go slow, and be patient. You’re building up tension for an orgasmic release, and this takes some time. With a toy, turn on the vibe, and try pulsing it on your G-spot to wake up those deep, internal nerves. With a partner, just know that you might be here a minute, and that’s OK. 
• Feel for the “I have to pee” sensation. And lean into it! Squirting isn’t pee, but the build-up to it will feel really similar. If you start to sense it: great job! You’re doing it right. 
• Let go, and let it flow. If you start feeling like you need to release, de-clench your genital muscles to let everything out. Remember: you’re rewiring your brain around what’s possible, and while this ejaculate is made up of other fluids, there might be a little pee at first. All good! You’ve got your sex mat. 
• Take everything out. Vulva owners can’t ejaculate with something inside their vagina. Take out the toy or their penis, so you can release the fluid properly. 

Keep in mind: these practice sessions can take a while before squirting is predictable. You’re teaching your body a new skill! If you need some encouragement, just listen to my episode with the squirting expert herself, Deborah Sundahl.** 

Face Ejaculation

AKA, a “facial”

Ah yes, coming on the face. A classic. 

This is one messy sex act that one hundred percent requires a conversation with your partner. Does it turn you on to receive it? Does it turn you on to do it? Before you go subjecting your ejaculate or your face to an unprepared partner, express your desire first. Something like, “hey – I’ve got this turn on that I’d looove to try with you.” Cue water droplets emoji. 

If you’re both on the same page and have established mutual consent, here are my basic tips for pulling this one off:

If you’re the giver:

• Pick a sex position where you’re on top. This ensures the ejaculate lands on their face and not your face. 
• When you feel you’re close, let them know. A simple “ready?” is fine. But if you want to be a little dom-y about it, be my guest.  

If you’re the receiver: 

• Avoid the temptation to GET IT OFF! Get it all off!! Keep in mind: this is an erotic moment. And, it’s vulnerable for everyone. So yes, you’ve got come on your face, and hopefully that’s a turn-on for you. But if it turns out that, no, it really isn’t, simply take a deep breath. You tried something new! Well done!
• Keep face-friendly wipes nearby. In addition to your sex mat, this is probably the #1 accessory for messy sex. Keep some on the nightstand. 

Face ejaculation can be super hot – with consent, and the right partner chemistry. A true “bless this mess” moment. 

Golden Showers

AKA, peeing on each other

It’s a kink that intimidates many, and I get it. But here are some reasons you or a partner may be into it:

• Double duty: The urethra is the duct that carries urine out of the bladder, and in penis owners, it also carries out semen. The sensations can feel really similar.
• The U-spot: For vulva owners, the urethra can be incredibly sensitive. Google the “U-spot:” it’s an erogenous zone lots of folks like to stimulate during solo and partner sex. 
• Humiliation kink: Some people get sexual satisfaction out of being “defiled,” and one way is to get urinated on.
• Intimacy: Asking someone if you can pee on them is extremely, extremely vulnerable. And if they say yes? Huge. A lot of people enjoy giving golden showers (or “urophilia”) specifically for this reason.

And of course, some people are just drawn to the taboo factor of it all. Totally valid!

Whatever your reasons for pee play (or “watersports” as it’s also sometimes called), here’s how to pull it off:

• Get consent. Probably self-explanatory, but tell your partner what about it turns you on, and if they’d ever be open to experimenting with you. In truth, only a small percentage of the population shares this kink, and as such it may require more than one conversation. It’s very likely your partner may not understand it at first. That’s ok: just introduce the idea at first.
• Create a safeword. A good idea for any form of kinky play, but this is a situation where you might really want one. 
• Take it out of the bedroom. No matter your genitals, the amount of fluid you release when you pee is much more than when you ejaculate. As such, I don’t recommend the bedroom for your first time. Here’s where I DO recommend it:
• In the shower: a perfect entry-level way to play, and clean-up is a cinch. Just make sure everyone is secure inside the shower, with a sticky bath mat, bars to hang onto, whatever you need. It’s all fun and games until someone slips. 
• Have aftercare: because this kink is so uncommon, it’s extremely likely that the giver and receiver may both need some reassurance afterwards. So, talk to each other! Was it exciting or arousing for you? Did you ever feel uncomfortable? Would you like to try it again?

I recently spoke to a caller about golden showers, so if it helps – give it a listen! Our conversation may help normalize this one for you. 

And there you have it: messes made. The sexy kind. It’s fun to get a little dirty sometimes, no? 

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*Get ahead of the mess and use code Emily10 for 10% off at playdrop! Enjoy lovers xx.

**Deborah Sundahl was a widely respected sex educator and frequent guest on Sex With Emily. In loving memory of Deborah, 1954-2023.