Ask Emily: Oral Sex for Beginners

A pale woman embracing a man from behind
Hi Emily,

I’m 24 years old and the guy I’m dating is my first sexual partner—so I’m a newbie at everything but I’m pretty open to learning and trying new things. I know he really wants me to give him a blow job, but I don’t know how! I have a ton of fear around it. I really want to try it, but I can’t get over that scared feeling I get when I think about doing it, partly because I don’t know what I’m doing but also because I want us both to enjoy the experience.

What can I do to get over the fear and become more comfortable with giving him a blow job? And how can I make it a good one?


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Dear Mimi,

First, I’m so glad you reached out – I’ve got lots of oral sex tips for beginners. 

But second, find a mirror and say these words out loud: 

You do not have to give anyone a blow job.

Ever. That includes your boyfriend. If you’re not ready (“I have a ton of fear around it”), you do not have to do it right away.

Right now, you’re getting used to the idea. That’s a normal part of the process. It’s your first sexual partner, and your first (I think) oral sex experience. There’s a space between yes and no called “not yet,” and while you’re hanging out there, you can still make this a productive time. So when it feels right, here are my top six suggestions to prep and deliver.

1. Watch some sexy media (like ethical porn) 

Lots of us are visual learners. So check out a free resource like Bellesa and its archive of ethical porn vids, to see oral sex in action. Watch how the performers build up to the act itself: making out, kissing their partner’s body, maybe a handjob. 

2. Listen to instruction

I’ve actually got a masterclass on giving oral sex to a penis, right here. It’s filled with tips for beginners and questions from people exactly like you, and a quick anatomy lesson on the penis so you know what you’re working with. 

3. The wetter, the better 

Let’s say you’re feeling ready to give oral. You’ve watched, you’ve listened, and the big day is here! Here’s how to start.

First, pour a little bit of flavored lube in your hand, wrap your fingers around the shaft (the long part of his penis), and move up and down – slowly at first – to mimic the sensations your boyfriend will feel when you eventually go down on him. In fact, you can think of a lubed-up hand as an extension of your mouth: when you start performing oral, feel free to keep your handiwork going while you lick the head of the penis. It’s one of the most sensitive spots, filled with thousands of nerve endings, so even if all you did your first go-round was a hand job plus a little bit of head-licking, he’ll feel quite stimulated.

4. Imagine the most delicious ice cream cone

A few lines ago, I advised you to use flavored lube. That’s because it’s a fantastic tool for beginners as they get used to giving oral. So once you’re in position, pretend like you’re licking the world’s most amazing ice cream cone, which won’t be as much of a stretch if his penis is doused with creme brulee-flavored lube. Go extra slow here: for a penis-owner, part of the excitement is simply watching someone’s tongue and lips on their genitals. 

5. And now, the blow job

Create suction with your mouth, being careful not to scrape your teeth over his penis (Common mistake). As you find a rhythm, listen for the telltale sounds of pleasure – moaning, heavy breathing, etc. – and don’t be afraid to apply more pressure. Remember: he probably masturbates, and a hand grips much harder than a mouth ever could. So experiment with different force, and never be afraid to ask: “how’s this?” or, “how do you like it?” 

6. Extra credit

To make oral sex super special for the receiver, try these erotic extras:

  • Make eye contact: if he’s looking down at you, meet his eye momentarily and smile. Super sexy, super erotic.
  • Try the testicles: you can either give them a gentle squeeze with your hand, or break off from the penis to lick them. Some penis-owners love ball play; for others, it’s a little too sensitive. So talk to each other, and see what he’s into. 
  • Be enthusiastic: receivers love to know that you’re into it, too. So don’t be afraid to moan, to breathe, to show him that – even if you’re new – you’re an eager learner. 

Alright, Mimi. You got this! I hope these tips help. Write me back, and let me know how it goes.