Are you sex party-curious?
You’re not alone. As one of the fastest growing trends in sex, sex parties and sex clubs have taken off in the past few years. But if you don’t know where to begin, you’ve come (get it?) to the right place.
What Is A Sex Party?
Exactly what it sounds like, but there’s a wide variety.
Some sex parties are large club-style settings where nothing is off limits, and you can expect public displays of everything – flogging to to group sex. On the other end you’ve got private home settings, where the host curates an intimate group of attendees. Different strokes for different folks.
What Actually Happens?
Sex parties can be extremely chill and cuddly, high-end and elaborate, swinger-centric, queer-focused, kink-focused, fetish-focused – it’s a big range of vibes and activity.
Generally though, you can expect an atmosphere that encourages sexual play and contact. This can take the form of private play rooms, group play areas, semi-private spaces and chill-out areas, where you can talk, get to know people, or take breaks. You should not feel forced to do anything: consent is an organizing principle of these parties and clubs. If you don’t see that clearly posted somewhere, don’t go.
The best way to know what happens at a sex party though is to do your homework, and talk to someone who’s been before. Once you find a sex party that piques your interest (more on that in a moment), connect with attendees prior to the party itself. This will help calm your nerves and give you a feel for what you’ll see and hear right when you walk in.
How to Find a Sex Party
Most big metropolitan cities have sex parties and clubs that cater to different sexualities, price points and preferred experiences. A good way to start is Googling “play party” plus your city’s name, or “adult club” plus your city’s name. You can also add “queer,” “swinger,” “LGBTQ” etc. to narrow search results.
Legality is different everywhere, which is why few parties/clubs advertise themselves directly as a “sex party.” But anywhere you go, you can expect places like these to be private, requiring you to become a member first. This can involve anything from guest references and photos to a bare bones waiver, but don’t be surprised when you see a membership requirement.
If you don’t live in a big city (or a big club setting isn’t your thing), you can also join sex positive groups and put feelers out. FetLife is the OG social platform for kink-friendly folks and is a great way to meet people in your area who are in-the-know on sex parties. But you can also join MeetUps and Facebook groups for sex positivity, kink, “alternative lifestyle” etc. where you can meet sex party-adjacent people.
6 Rules of the Road
Once you’ve found a sex party you’re interested in, there are a few things you should know before walking in the door. Here are 6 tips.
1. Dress Appropriately
Dress like a person you would want to play with, and take note of dress code – many clubs and parties state theirs outright.
This can also be a great opportunity to wear something stimulating! These nipple clamps from Ohmibod not only feel amazing, they look like cute jewelry. Depending on how you wear them (under a see-through top for example), they also signal your playfulness to others.
2. Set Ground Rules For Yourself
If it’s your very first time at a sex party, you can opt to mostly observe and check in with your feelings. It’s completely normal to feel a bit of overwhelm at first, but if you know in advance that you will largely be watching (rather than participating), that lowers the stakes.
You can also define for yourself what hard no’s are. What feels off-limits to you? Knowing those up-front helps you communicate those preferences to others. By the same token, what would you like to explore? If for example you know you’d like to be watched (while making out, taking your clothes off, having sex etc.), this also helps you communicate clearly.
Before attending, you might also want to pack reinforcements that help you feel more at-ease. I know many people with penises who are nervous about meeting someone amazing at a sex party, getting down together…then ejaculating way too soon. No problem: pack delay spray (this one from Promescent is top-shelf), and apply prior to intimate encounters. Just give it 5-10 minutes to absorb after applying. Not only does Promescent delay spray ensure that you last longer for your partner(s), it also helps you experience pleasure for longer, extending the time for your own sensations and play before the final crescendo. More pleasure for you, more pleasure for them = more pleasure for everyone involved.
3. Be STI Safe
Different parties have different ways of handling STI potential. If you want iron-clad STI safety (which is absolutely reasonable), make this part of your initial research so you can find a gathering that requires a clean bill of health.
That said, this requirement is rare because medical privacy. Which makes it all the more important you practice safe sex, and communicate with potential play partners. Most sex parties and clubs have condoms, gloves and lubes a-plenty, but it can’t hurt to bring some with you for back-up.
4. Consider Going With a Partner/Friend
Having a wingman/wingwoman is great for first-timers. If you go with a friend, make sure it’s someone you feel comfortable with (and who feels comfortable around this type of environment!). If you’re going with a partner though, I highly encourage you to set ground rules up-front.
For example, will you two only play together? If hooking up, would you like to do it publicly or in a private room? What happens if someone wants to play with just you, but not the other? Are some sex acts OK to do with others, but some acts are off-limits? These are the types of questions to nail down in advance.
This can also be a way fun time to explore panty vibes together: literally, a vibrator that lives in your panties, while your partner controls it with a remote. This toy was made for a date like this! Here’s one I absolutely love.
5. Respect Others
Do not take photos or videos of others without explicit consent. Do not touch a party-goer without explicit consent. Do not jump into group play unless you’ve been invited. Do not walk into a kink scene, where unexpected interruptions could be dangerous (hello, whipping).
Even if the people around you seem chill, no one is entitled to sexual contact, even if you paid the cover fee. Ask questions like “is it OK if I touch you there?” or “would you like to join us?” which is a) respectful and b) sexy depending on how you deliver it. Err on the side of questions and graciously accept the no’s. Because remember, you can also politely decline others’ requests.
6. Don’t Over Do It
I get it if you’re nervous and want to take the edge off with a slight buzz. But know your limits – getting wasted isn’t the move at these things. It’s sex after all, so you want to be in command of your mind and body! This helps you give real, full consent and honestly ensures you’ll have a better time.
As exciting as sex parties can be, it’s crucial to prioritize safety. Always communicate your boundaries clearly, and respect the boundaries of others. Use protection, and make informed decisions about your sexual health.
Sex parties can offer a unique and thrilling way to explore your sexuality in a consensual and respectful environment. Whether you’re there to watch, play, or simply meet like-minded individuals, the key is to stay true to yourself and have fun. Enjoy the adventure, and remember to always play safe!
Have you ever been to a sex party before? What was it like? Let’s talk about it together and help first-timers know what to expect! Come find me on Instagram @sexwithemily and let’s chat.
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