Although it has become a cliché phrase, especially among the polyamory community, “unicorn hunting” is still very much a thing.

How often have I been swiping on Tinder and found couples looking for a “third”? A lot more these days.

As unicorn hunting makes its entrance into mainstream lexicon, let us remind ourselves that it is still a delicate practice with a lot of variables to consider. 

Let’s start with some basics:

What is a unicorn?

A unicorn can be any gender. Typically, a unicorn is referring to a bi-sexual woman who is open to having sex with a couple. In other words, a unicorn helps form a “threesome.” This type of unicorn hunting is what this article will be focusing on. Following these guidelines will help you avoid the pitfalls of finding a third. You’ll also hopefully learn how to properly treat a unicorn!

What is unicorn hunting?

In polyamory parlance, “unicorn hunting” is where a couple looks to find one person who they can permanently invite into their relationship, forming what is called a “triad”.

In other contexts, “unicorn hunting” refers to couples looking to have some no strings attached fun with a unicorn to spice up their sex lives.

Where can I find a unicorn?

Ahhh…the age old question I see countless times from couples seeking their first threesome. “Where can I find a unicorn?” To answer that question, you need to know the kind of threesome you are looking to have.

For example, are you looking for a relationship with the unicorn ala “triad” in poly? Or are you looking for NSA fun? Once you know what you’re looking for, you can begin your hunt with these three methods:

• Referrals

Odds are if you know kinky or sex positive couples, you might be able to network your way to some potential unicorns. It might sound a bit clinical, but word of mouth is still a great tool of the trade!

• Swinger Clubs/Groups

I’ve been to many swinger functions and there tend to be some single female-identifying people there looking to play or as part of a throuple. Jumping into this world can lead to you to a larger pool of pre-qualified unicorns, since most who show up at those events are already showing they might be interested in hooking up with a couple.

• Dating Apps

The tried and true method tends to be dating apps. Tinder, as well as Bumble,  have been used for this purpose, but I have heard Feeld is a great way to find a third. There is a new app coming on the market called Zin, which offers more of a Craigslist-style post approach, allowing you to place a specific post describing what kind of unicorn you are looking for. 

How to approach a unicorn

There’s a joke in here somewhere, but I want to say “gently” as you would a horse.

Imagine how you like to be pursued. Do you like to be aggressively hounded? Or wouldn’t you rather be handled with a light touch that isn’t needy or demanding? Do you want someone to be honest and forthcoming, or manipulative and veiled? Keep these tips in mind when approaching a potential third:

• Be Honest

Be upfront about why you are reaching out to them. You should let them know in the first or second message what you are looking for – and be honest without being too blunt.

For example, don’t get on a dating app like Tinder and pretend to be a single man and then “drop the bomb” later that you are really a couple looking for a third. Not cool. Or, if you are a female on a dating app or at a party, don’t flirt with and hit on a potential unicorn as if you were single, when you are really trying to butter her up to play with you and your male boyfriend.

• Keep It Cool

Be cool and be sexy!! Try to make a good impression like you would on any date. Ask them questions about themselves and what they are looking for. Your approach should consist of a nice greeting, a few honest and authentic compliments about them, as well as some information about yourself.

• Leave the Drama At Home

Don’t involve the unicorn in your relationship drama. If you have jealousy issues, this is not the time to be seeking a third. Don’t have your partner be the one to reach out privately and then have issues with the unicorn’s communication with your partner. They will follow your lead. So don’t lead them into a situation that would make them uncomfortable discussing sex with someone’s significant other.

Date time!

After the “approach” you should take your unicorn out on a date. This could be as simple as coffee or a drink or if you want to extend it, you could even take them out to dinner. Sometimes one part of the couple can meet first with the unicorn to “vet” them and then introduce the other partner (usually the male). This is a chance to meet and greet and see if there is chemistry among the three of you.

As always, be upfront and honest about your intentions. This is a good time to talk about what sexual interests you have in common. I like to ask what the unicorn likes about being a unicorn and about their previous experiences. I also like to ask about things they don’t like – ways they were treated in the past that might not have worked well. 

During the date, get to know the unicorn as you would a friend or potential date. Ask about their interests outside the bedroom. Again, just be cool. 

So you’ve selected a unicorn…

If, after the meet and greet, you decide you are compatible and want to set up a play date, there are a few things to consider:

Boundaries and Expectations

Boundaries for everyone involved are really important when it comes to group play and alternative relationship styles. Part of selecting a third for a threesome is determining chemistry and a gut-level feeling of compatibility and whether someone respects your boundaries. For example, if you get a feeling the unicorn is attracted to only one partner of the couple, then it might not be a good fit, as it could cause some jealousy or tensions in group play.

Make sure you discuss ahead of time what is expected after the playdate, specifically, sleeping arrangements. Don’t make your unicorn Uber home in the early morning hours (unless they really want to). Find out ahead of time if the unicorn wants to sleep over and if so, decide where they will sleep.

Find Out What They Like

To get a sense of what common interests you all three share in the bedroom. You could go over this sexual exploration questionnaire and compare your answers. Figure out what type of play you want and if the unicorn is into or curious about the same things, including toys.

Be Kind

One of the biggest mistakes couples make in this context is having a play date with a unicorn and then abruptly kicking them out. Yes ok, we know that you may have been looking to spice up your sex life. But it is beyond not cool to treat them as non-existent after the play is over. They need and deserve your attention just like an individual partner would.

Safety First

This might go without saying, but let’s say it. Whenever you start having sex with a new partner, it’s a good idea for everyone involved to get tested. It’s no fun, but neither are STDs! For a quick test, use Same Day STD Testing. It’s quick, easy, and trust me, it’s worth it!

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If you have these discussions and everything seems to align, then you have the makings of a fun threesome! And, you will have just hunted your unicorn in an ethical way.

Emily Anne is a bestselling author, sex coach and educator, who specializes in helping people expand their sexual horizons through BDSM and kink. When she’s not obsessively talking about sex, she’s hiking through the Hollywood Hills. Get some sexy education on her Instagram feed!