“They don’t want it as much as guys.”

“You’ll know she’s turned on if she’s wet.” 

“These moves work on EVERY woman.”

Any of this sound familiar? 

There’s a lot of assumptions floating around about vulva owners, and what it takes to satisfy them in bed. And sure, some broad truths may apply. Emphasis on the “may,” because when I polled vulva owners recently on Twitter, they were quick to tell me how tired they were of certain stereotypes…three in particular. 

But let me tell you why I’m so interested in this. 

As we evolve our thinking around sexuality, we know that vulva owners aren’t a homogenous category of wants and needs. In fact, we know that having a vulva isn’t synonymous with femininity or even womanhood. And yet, stereotypes persist about what arousal looks like on a vulva, how biology dictates our sex drive (or not), and especially what it takes to excite someone who happens to have our set of genitals. So let’s break these assumptions down, yeah?

Here are the three common stereotypes vulva owners want you to stop believing, to make room for more authentic pleasure and connection.

Stereotype #1:

That They Aren’t As Sexual As Penis Owners 

As anthropologist (and regular guest on Sex With Emily) Dr. Wednesday Martin often says, today’s sexual science paints a much different picture about vulva owners than we previously thought. And Twitter was quick to confirm that. 

@sexwithemily: Talk to me, vulva owners. What’s a sexual stereotype about you that you want to challenge?

@VanilllaaBeannn: That we don’t like sex as much as our penis-owning counterparts. I’ve found my sex drive to be higher than most men I’ve dated and I’m much more sexually open. I do think there’s more shame around sex for us, though. It really depends on the person

@realclassyb: That we don’t like or want sex but people with penises want it all the time.

@juniperjessi: That we don’t like sex as much as our penis owning counterparts. We do.

The reasons we assume that someone with a vulva wants sex less than someone with a penis are vast – and if you’re interested in why, I highly recommend Wednesday’s book Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free.

But for now, please don’t assume that vulva owners are inherently less sexual than penis owners. And for the love of God, please don’t assume that a vulva owner in perimenopause or menopause has sworn off sex: another stereotype we’re all quite ready to retire.

In fact, if you’re a vulva owner in perimenopause or menopause currently, and want to keep having hot sex in the process, services like Odela Health, Evernow and Midi are here specifically to prioritize your pleasure. For decades, “sexual health” for vulva owners meant “fertility,” but let’s be honest…we’re not just having sex to make babies. We have sex (mostly!) because it feels good, and services like Odela Health deliver care providers, safe estrogen solutions, and sex and relationship coaching all through a telehealth platform to make sure your pleasure is vibrant – at any damn age.  

Stereotype #2:

That Wet = Turned On 

Here’s another assumption it’s time to rethink:

@VerdeAlyceOF: That we have to be dripping wet to have an orgasm, and if we cum without getting wet it means we “faked it”. Sometimes my pussy just doesn’t get that wet and that’s pretty normal for me. I’m still turned on! A lot of guys have accused me of faking orgasms because of this.

For eons, the narrative around aroused genitals has been: vulvas get wet, penises get hard.

But did you know that any person (no matter their genitals) can self–lubricate when they’re aroused?

Further, did you know that any person (no matter their genitals) can get erect when aroused?

Notice I’m choosing my words carefully here, and saying they can do these things. Vulvas swell and harden with blood engorgement; penises lubricate with pre-ejaculate. That doesn’t mean they’ll always do those things. For vulva owners, lubrication depends on many factors: that day’s hormone levels, where they’re at in their cycle, and yes, if they’re in perimenopause or menopause, since that impacts estrogen: a driver of lubrication. So if they’re not super “wet” when having sex, that doesn’t mean they’re not into it! 

If anything, it means they’d benefit from a lube assist, like the Playground line. I personally love these lubes because they nourish the vulva’s delicate skin even outside of sex, with ingredients like vitamin E to keep everything supple and healthy. But again, if you’re trying to pleasure a vulva owner and they’re not already slippery, it probably doesn’t have anything to do with you. Just reach for the lube, and call it good. 

Stereotype #3:

That They All Want The Same Things In Bed 

Everyone wants some sexy moves in their back pockets. Just know that those moves don’t work the same on everyone.

@DianeNeedsDick: There is no 1 formula that will make every girl orgasm. And definitely stop trying out the kinky shit you see in porn after your first meeting.

@kimberlylouvin: That what felt great last time will definitely feel great this time or that mine is the same as someone else’s so doing the same thing will work the same.

@tashmurphy_au: That every vulva owner enjoys being fingered. It’s such a subjective thing and it’s very easy to contract UTIs or get cuts if someone has unwashed hands or sharp nails.

Amen. Every vulva owner is different in terms of turn ons, so rather than automatically doing the thing that made your last partner moan, make it a collaboration. Ask questions! “What are you into?” “How does this feel?” “Where do you most want me to touch you?” – All sexy questions, all ways to gather valuable data.

If you’re the vulva owner in this situation (especially if you’re in a changing phase of life like menopause), please know that it’s also OK if you’re still figuring out what you like sexually. That’s why I’m way into Womaness, a company made for women, by women with toys, supplements, and vaginal moisturizers geared toward helping you tap into your sexual preferences right now, because what you enjoyed at age 20 might be different than what you enjoy at age 50. Totally normal! 

If you’ve got a regular solo sex practice (I recommend Womaness’s Gold Vibes for that– a discreet bullet vibrator with 7 speeds and a removable silicone sleeve), give yourself permission to experiment with different touches, different arousal methods like audio erotica or ethical porn, and simply observe yourself in your pleasure. You’ll be able to communicate your unique turn ons to any partner that much more effectively. 

How about we replace the stereotypes with communication and curiosity? If you’re on-board, sign up for my newsletter and get sexy secrets just like these on the regular.