Dear Emily,
My question is in regard to “finding a third.” I, a 23-year-old bi woman, and my boyfriend, a 25-year-old straight man, would like to spice things up a bit by finding someone for a threesome.
We have fantastic sex and we can openly talk about just about anything, including our mission to invite another woman into the mix. We are open to a relationship with said “third,” but at the moment we would like a more casual experience.
The problem is that we are having a pretty difficult time finding a woman who would be up for it. We live in Boston which, despite the generally liberal atmosphere, is still pretty sex-negative and most people are pretty closed off to sex in this sense.
Do you have any suggestions about a better strategy for meeting someone organically? Adult friend finder and Craigslist just won’t fly for us.
All the best,
M & B
* * *
Dear M & B,
I usually warn couples about the challenges having a threesome could bring to the relationship, but it seems like you and your boyfriend are open, communicative, and ready to fulfill your fantasy. That’s great!
I still have to remind you: before you invite a third into the bedroom, make sure you are clear about what you want to go down. Do you want to get to know the person a little before your rendezvous? Or do you want to interact with the third strictly in a sexual context? Discuss how you imagine your perfect ménage à trois unfolding. Of course, things never turn out exactly how you expect them to, but if you have a clear idea of what you want, and establish boundaries for the night, the threesome has a better chance of going smoothly.
Start your threesome search.
Now you’re ready to find a third. While it would be fun to meet someone in person, it’s a lot easier to find someone online these days. But don’t worry: these are the more modern, safe, and reliable places to find people who might be interested in joining you and your boyfriend for some fun. Instead of going to sites like Craigslist or AdultFriendFinder, search for prospective thirds on OkCupid, or apps like Feeld, or #open.
When you’ve found someone you both like on the apps, initiate a conversation! Start by telling them a little bit about you and your boyfriend. If you want them to jump in bed with you, you’re going to have to make them feel comfortable first. Make the message personal by responding to something you saw on their profile. Perhaps you’re both big fans of Game of Thrones Then get into why you’re messaging this person.
Play close attention to how your prospective threesome partners answer questions about sex, like what their interests are or what they want out of the relationship. For example, if they prefer gentle lovemaking, and you and your boyfriend like rough sex, you’re going to have a problem. Try to find someone who is sexually compatible with both of you, but isn’t necessarily extremely compatible with you in other ways. You’re looking for someone to fulfill a sexual fantasy, not a new roommate.
You’re probably going to have to message a bunch of people before meeting a suitable third. Once you settle on a few options, try a “chemistry test” date, perhaps without the pressure of having to hook up. Eventually, you and your partner should find your perfect threesome match. Have fun!
xo,
Emily
