Let’s normalize using toys during sex.

Here’s why. Generally speaking, vibrations feel good on everyone’s genitals. Proof? A booming market for couples toys. 

But over the years I’ve gotten a lot of calls from people worried about their partner’s toy use. Reading between the lines, it usually comes down to one core concern: “my body alone can’t satisfy them.”

Here’s the truth though: there is nothing wrong with your body parts.

Some bodies require sex toys to orgasm (and that’s OK)

When someone’s got a vulva, their sexual nerve endings are tucked deep inside the body. That’s why vibration helps: it stimulates all those internal nerve endings, the ones nothing else can reach. Not a finger, not a tongue, not a penis. 

But besides giving vulva owners a boost, toy play during sex can be the most fun. It’s also really stimulating! So stimulating, that when you’ve got a penis, vibes might bring you super close to orgasm – even when you’re not ready. No fear, just reach for my favorite delay spray from Promescent: it doesn’t transfer, it works fast, and it calms down your nerve endings so you can orgasm when you’re ready. Voila! 

With that pep talk, here are my six favorite sex positions to use with a sex toy. 

1. Spooning

Commitment Level: Easy

Why this one works: The receiving partner has the whole front of their body open and available for toy access on their genitals. Also, this is probably the most relaxing / low-lift sex position, and the receiving partner has both of their hands free. 

Toy to reach for: Clitoral vibe. 

How to use it: Two great options.

• Receiving partner, tuck a pillow or arm under your head for support, then use your free hand to vibe your genitals. Or:
• Giving partner, place the toy in your top hand, then reach around and apply it to your partner’s genitals while you penetrate them. (Super sexy.)

2. Doggy Style

Commitment Level: Easy

Why this one works: Once again, lots of open access for the receiving partner’s genitals. But because of the angle, it’s also possible to apply vibrations to the giving partner – with the right tool.

Toy to reach for: Wand vibe. 

How to use it: Two options: first one is easy, second requires extra positioning. 

• Receiving partner, use one hand to brace yourself, and the other hand to apply the head of the wand to your genitals. Enjoy! 
• Receiving partner, you can alternate between using the toy on yourself, and reaching between your legs to vibe the giving partner (this is why you want a wand – it’s a longer sex toy). If they’ve got a penis, aim the wand head for their perineum: it’s the nerve-rich area of skin between their testicles and anus. Vibrations feel pretty amazing on it. 

3. Missionary

Commitment Level: Intermediate

Why this one works: It’s the position you’re probably most familiar with, for starters. But you can also add a hands-free toy to make this classic position more exciting.

Toy to reach for: Wearable internal vibe. 

How to use it: There are lots of wearable vibes out there, but for Missionary with a vulva owner, I like the kinds that have a smaller arm to insert into their vagina, and a larger arm that rests on top of the clitoris (click link above to get a visual). 

Once you’ve got the smaller arm inside, the giving partner can penetrate. They’ll feel vibrations along their shaft as they thrust, while the receiving partner will feel internal vibes on their G-spot and external vibes on their clitoris, from the toy’s larger arm. Glorious! 

4. Reverse Cowgirl / Cowboy

Commitment Level: Intermediate

Why this one works: Lots of access to everyone’s genitals. Another major highlight

is the full moon view for the penetrating partner (and for receiving partners who like to show off their booties).

Toy to reach for: Finger vibe. 

How to use it: Two hot options.

• Receiving partner, place the vibe loop over two fingers and apply the vibrating head to your genitals while the giving partner thrusts. Or:
• Giving partner, place a pillow behind your head to prop yourself up a bit. Next, place the vibe loop over two fingers, and apply it to your partner’s genitals. You can use your free hand to grab their hip and make your thrusts more intense. 

5. Cowgirl / Cowboy

Commitment Level: Intermediate

Why this one works: You’re face-to-face, so you can communicate easily. But because the receiving partner’s genitals are already grinding on the giving partner, we need a toy that accommodates the super-close proximity. 

Toy to reach for: Vibrating penis ring. 

How to use it: Giving partner, stretch the ring over your shaft and slide it down to the base of your penis. Position the vibrating head upright, so that it makes contact with your partner’s genitals. If they’ve got a vulva, they’ll feel it right on their clitoris. If they’ve got a penis and you’re doing anal, they’ll feel it on their perineum. Either way, very orgasmic. 

6. Sitting

Commitment Level: Advanced

Why this one works: For giving partners who also want to experience anal stimulation, this position is perfect. I’m calling it “advanced” though because the giving partner is penetrating their partner while being penetrated. There’s a lot going on! But if you’re up for this much sensation, it could lead to a starry-eyed orgasm.  

Toy to reach for: Prostate massager or anal plug.

How to use it: Giving partner, apply tons of lube to your toy, and mindfully insert before your partner straddles you. I should note that this is a position you probably don’t want to jump right into – try it midway through sex, when you’re both already warmed up.

What’s fun about anal vibes is that they often come with a remote control (like the two linked here), so you can either turn it on yourself, or hand it over to your partner and let them be in control. Either way…enjoy the booty action! Sitting on top of it like this ensures the toy stays firmly in place, and should feel very satisfying on your prostate gland or in your anal cavity, as you thrust. 

So many options to use toys during sex! Try one of these positions, and enjoy your new threesome: you, your partner, and a cute toyfriend.

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Illustrations by Priscilla C. Witte from my book “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure“