Ask Emily

Hi Emily! I was in a sexual relationship with a guy for 2½ yrs. It was the best sex I ever had. He was the only one the knew how to please me on so many levels. Our connection was like no other we ever had. I had to end our situation unfortunately. What I worry about is, when I become sexually active again. I’m afraid that I will not be fully satisfied. I know I’ll never come close to finding that connection again. I know I shouldn’t compare, but I can’t help it. We knew how to communicate. That’s what made the connection so strong. I need help to not feel that the next one won’t be as great. What should I do?

– Kaitlin, 29 

Let me be clear right away. What you’re feeling is completely normal. When you’ve had sex that felt deeply satisfying, emotionally safe, and well communicated, your body remembers it. That does not mean you are stuck in the past. It means your nervous system learned what real connection feels like, and that is valuable information.

The experience you are describing was not just about him. It was about communication, trust, emotional safety, and feeling free to express desire. Those qualities do not belong to one person or one relationship. They are conditions, and the good news is that those conditions can be created again.

When your mind goes to comparison, give yourself some grace. This is simply your brain using past experiences to predict future safety and satisfaction. When you think, “Nothing will ever be that good again,” that is not a fact. It is your nervous system trying to protect you from disappointment. Emotional pain registers in the brain in a similar way to physical pain, which is why it can feel so intense and convincing.

So shift the question. Instead of asking, “Will the next connection measure up?” ask, “What made that experience feel so good in my body?” Was it the communication? The pace. Feeling emotionally safe. Not feeling rushed or judged. When you focus on recreating those conditions, you make space for something new instead of staying attached to what has already passed.

Now let’s talk about you.  Intimacy does not start with a partner. It starts with your relationship to your own body. Before becoming sexually active again, reconnect with yourself. Slow down. Tune into sensation. Create environments that feel calm, comfortable, and grounded. Self-touch and self-massage can be so powerful here. This is about exploration, not performance. When you explore your own body, it is not just physical. It creates a safe space to be curious without pressure or expectation. One of my favorite tools for self-exploration, and even for use with a partner, is a massage butter I love called Common Confidential Massage Butter (this one here!). 

Creating an environment that feels sensual, calm, and supportive helps your nervous system relax and reminds your body that pleasure is safe, nurturing, and available to you.

A final note, you already identified one of the most important factors from your past relationship. Communication. That skill did not disappear when the relationship ended. You know how to express your needs. You know how to listen. You know how to stay connected through intimacy. That puts you in a strong position moving forward.

The next connection does not need to compete with the last one to be satisfying. It will be different, and different does not mean worse. Often it means deeper, more grounded, and more aligned. You are showing up now with more self-awareness and clarity than before.

You are not starting over. You are starting from experience, from insight, and from knowing what works for you.

That is how great sex keeps getting better!

xx,
Emily