“Hark, the herald angels sing…” And by “angels,” I mean you, having sex at your relatives’ house, singing in ecstasy. Except…no.
You want privacy. I get it. You want a silent night, even while getting yours in the night. (Or morning. Or afternoon. Whenever you like!)
Having sex while traveling requires a bag of tricks, including the means to enjoy pleasure quietly – but also, knowing how to travel with toys, which items to pack, and most importantly, how to have sex in small spaces. So let’s talk through all the ways to do it in rooms that are not your own because if there’s one thing we can all agree on, sex and the ears of our parents (or nephews or grandparents or fifth cousins) do not mix. But that doesn’t mean you have to forego – you just need some hacks, while you pleasure yourselves in your old twin bed after a night of wholesome board games.
Here now, the top do’s and don’ts for itinerant pleasure:
DO feel good about packing your sex toys.
In the U.S., sex toys are approved by TSA for travel in both carry-on and checked bags. So when you’re packing, know that any toy you pack is probably fine. This brings us to…
DO choose peace and quiet.
If you’re masturbating, the peace part will take care of itself (wink wink). But as for quiet? That’s when we want to be strategic, and bring a toy that specifically boasts its low volume.
If you’re a vulva owner and residing in a communal space (Christmas at your great aunt’s house), you can’t go wrong with a toy like the JeJoue Mimi. It has an internal motor set to low frequency, with a signature “rumble” – meaning, you’re likely to feel the vibes deeper in your body, hitting more pleasure points. But since it’s less buzzy than a traditional vibrator, it’s also more discreet, aaand it’s waterproof. We’re especially obsessed with JeJoue’s Naughty Gift Set which includes the Mimi PLUS a massage candle, a blindfold and restraint, and an intimate game of truth or dare. (For when everyone else has gone to bed…)
DO have sex in the shower.
I mean, why not? You probably went to bed at 9:00pm after Elf and Yahtzee. How about you wake up early before everyone else, head to the shower with your friends (partner and sex toy) and come down to breakfast ready for the day? Taking on the world, folks! But in all seriousness, shower sex = silent sex, because the noise helpfully drowns everything out. And it’s a sensual environment. AND you have afore-mentioned waterproof vibes. Great sex tip, or greatest sex tip?
DO consider a hotel.
Look at you, being so cosmopolitan! For real though, if the host home is cramped, why not take a glamorous night to yourselves? Even if it’s a “glamorous” Best Western? Sex in unfamiliar places is just plain exciting, and with this kind of privacy, you can indulge however you like.
DON’T forget to lock the door.
OK, pretend we’re back to the OG holiday plan: you’re at your relatives house, you’re ready to get laid, everyone else is on a walk. Let’s do it! But please, for the love of Santa’s reindeer lock that door, so as to avoid being walked in on (horrors). When you’re in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to not hear things…like the front door opening…like Grandma looking for you guys…like the door knob turning…yeahhh. Let’s avoid this nightmare-slash-rom com, and lock that door.
DON’T overlook fun “extras.”
Let’s talk all the other little ways you can make travel sex extra dreamy.
Are you packing lube? Of course you are. Just make sure it’s in a 3.4 oz (or less) container if you’re flying. Are you packing underthings that make you feel sexy? Do it! Try wrapping them up in your regular clothes, if you don’t want them being discovered by curious nephews and nieces. Are you packing your phone charger? I imagine so, but you’ll definitely want it if you use your phone for music or other “ambient noise” while you play. (So as to prevent the very unfortunate situation of approaching orgasm, and having your phone suddenly die.)
DON’T be afraid of car sex.
You mean to tell me you’ve never given your partner a thorough and significant tour of your hometown?? Why not offer one, just the two of you? Heck, who needs stuff at the grocery store? You guys can get it! On the way, park somewhere discreet and…you know what to do. (Just make sure you actually do go to the grocery store and don’t return to the house blissfully empty-handed.)
DON’T forget to clean up.
After you’ve successfully sexed, do the courteous thing and clean up all evidence. Yes, you are an adult with a vibrant, adult sex life, but also…you’re still your parents’ precious baby. Forever. Help them not see your flavored condoms, and tidy up.
Untethered from our normal routines, the holidays are an awesome time to have sex. So enjoy the bon vivant energy! Now you’ve got a prep list, so your sex-on-the-go can be as adventurous as you are.