So you want to flex your dom side.

A dom (short for “dominant”) is the other half of a sub/dom dynamic, where the other partner is submissive in bed. And while I’ve talked before about dom-ing through text, plenty of you have asked me: “What do I actually say during sex itself?”

Being a good dom is about creating structure, in a container of trust.

Sub/dom dynamics are all about energy. As a type of kink, you can think of it as a form of light role play. 

One person, the submissive, is receiving orders, being obedient, and consensually relinquishing their power.

The other, the dominant, is giving orders, enforcing obedience, and consensually indulging their power. 

But don’t get it twisted: “indulging their power” isn’t code for being a jerk, being rude, or only trying to get what you want out of the sexual experience. It’s about communication, an agreed-upon set of mutual boundaries, and most importantly: trust. 

That’s by far the largest prerequisite to being a successful dom. But if this still seems confusing or abstract, you might need to see a dom in action to understand the vibe.

Watching other doms helps you be a better one.

Yes…I’m advising you to watch some ethical porn, to see what it looks like when folks enact sexy sub/dom dynamics. Go to Bellesa, my ethical porn platform of choice, click the search bar, and type in “sub dom.” You’ll find a ton of video options! Which are not only educational, but um – ridiculously hot. Trust me on this.

(Pro tip: Bellesa Plus, their premium subscription option, has even more sub/dom-style videos, and even explicitly educational videos on things like kink, bondage, and much more.)

Now that you know what big dom energy looks like, here are some phrases you can try on for size.

1. “Don’t come until I say so.”

Ooh, orgasm denial. Every sub’s favorite? Just me? 

Working up your partner’s sexual arousal, and getting them right up to the edge – only to say no, not yet – is incredibly frustrating, in a very hot way. Especially if you’re using a toy on a vulva owner that makes orgasm hard to resist, like the Lily 3 from LELO. It’s an iconic sex toy with a storied history, but in a nutshell: it’s a curved, silent clitoral vibrator, upgraded with an insanely powerful motor. It’s also egg-shaped and fits in the palm of your hand, making it easy to tease whether you’re in the middle of foreplay or penetration.  

And hey, real talk. It’s hard to deny orgasm when you can’t control your own. So if this scenario sounds like a tall order, reach for some delay spray – it helps put you in control, in more ways than one. I always recommend Promescent Delay Spray.  

2. “Get on your knees.” 

If you’re a kind, emotionally intelligent communicator in everyday life, giving commands might feel counterintuitive. But ordering your sub around is the action that helps them relax, and helps get them into a free, more liberated state of mind. So go ahead: make them get on their knees, and demand oral while they’re down there.

3. “Good girl/boy.”

Is your sub into praise kink? If so, don’t forget to lavish your sub with compliments when they obey. Subs are eager to please. 

4. “Looks like you need to be punished.”

One of the fun things about playing with sub/dom dynamics is bumping up against the structure you’ve created, and “punishing” your sub when they step out of line. But punishment can look like anything: spanking, orgasm denial, making them get on their knees again. You call the shots, dom! What’s important is that you’re punishing them not just to be powerful, but reminding them who’s in charge (you.) 

5. “Do you like that?”

It’s OK for a dom to have a softer side! But this is a fun phrase to pull out when your sub is clearly enjoying themselves…and you’re almost taunting them with these words. Because, who knows? You could stop doing that thing they like at any moment. That’s part of the excitement: a little unpredictability that you, and only you, control. 

6. “Come for me.”

When you’re finally ready for them to finish, there’s nothing hotter (or more in-character) than encouraging them to do it for you. The subtext here is: “you’re about to come, but you’re doing it because I give you permission.” And that’s the sexual tension in a sub/dom dynamic: denial and permission, as you give your sub an edge to playfully fight against. 

Expressing your power-hungry side is all about confidence. But it’s helpful when you’ve got some go-to phrases that make you feel like a boss, right? 

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