Your Sex Questions, Answered
Over the past 15 years I’ve been answering all your burning questions about sex. I’m laying it all out for you here, to demystify and unlock your best sex lives. Remember that me-search is research, and this is the place for you to get curious and explore. Enjoy!
How can I have better orgasms?
Having better orgasms starts with you! It’s not about your partner giving you an orgasm—it’s about you learning and communicating your needs. Get curious about your pleasure. Get comfortable with exploration. Get to know your body, what feels good and how it all works. Your brain is your largest sex organ, so make sure that both your brain and body are on board for sexual exploration. An orgasm is a physiological, mental, and emotional experience. If you haven’t had an orgasm yet, take the pressure off and check out some of our orgasm-centric articles and podcasts.
For more step-by-step guidance, check out some of our orgasm-centric articles and podcasts. Here’s some to get you going:
Read – How to Climax Harder and Faster
Read – Become A Clit Whisperer
Read – Mastering Multiple O’s
Listen – Orgasms: Don’t Fake It Til You Make It
Listen – Best of: Unblock Your Orgasms #IRL
How do I talk to my partner about sex or trying something new?
If it was easy to talk about sex, we’d do it all the time. But I promise once you start, it’ll become just as easy as talking about the weather. First, you have to start with a curious, open, and non-judgmental conversation about your sex life.
“Hey babe, I realize we haven’t talked about our sex life before, and while this might be uncomfortable, I thought we could try out some healthy communication. Dr. Emily says ‘communication is a lubrication.”
Obviously find your own words, but just start talking. Many couples listen to the podcast together and use it as a book club for their sex life. I understand it’s not easy, so be patient, honest and understand that having healthy sex is a journey, not the destination, and talking about it is the first step.
Want more tips? Here’s some articles and podcasts to help you open up the conversation:
Read – Level Up Your Listening Skills
Listen – Curious Questions to Ask Your Partner Tonight With Jamye Waxman
Listen – Staycations & Sex Talks
Download – The SWE Guide to Better Communication
Download – Sex Exploration Checklist (Yes No Maybe)
Is my kink/fetish normal?
The only normal thing about sex is that everyone wants to know if they’re normal. As long as you practice your kink, fetish or fantasy in a safe, consensual and legal way, then you’re doing just fine. We all get to decide what kinks and fetishes we want to pursue, and you are free to express yourself. Please don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. I’m proud that you found yourself here and am thrilled that you found something that turns you on.
Curious about kinks and fetishes? Check out these links, or find more in Explore & Play:
Read – How to Get Kinky When Your Partner Isn’t
Read – Kinks & Fetishes…What’s The Difference?
Read – The Top 6 Most Common Fetishes
Listen – Strap-On Sex & Kinky Recs with Zoe Ligon
Listen – Kinky Sex
Listen – Best of: Kinky Sex, Squirting & Bedroom Insecurities
How can I increase my sex drive?
Many things affect arousal and desire. The first step to understanding your sex drive is to ask yourself a few questions. How well do you manage stress? How is your self-esteem? Are you feeling any sort of resentment towards your partner? Would you consider your relationship healthy? What about your nutrition, hormones, and any medications? Answering these questions can help you pinpoint the reason why your sex drive might be changing.
It’s also important to normalize shifting sex drives. Sexual health is an important part of your overall well-being, so managing stress, drinking less alcohol, working out more and getting enough sleep are excellent places to start. This way, you’re attacking the cause and not just the symptom.
And remember that you can always ask for help. If you’re not enjoying sex, experience pain during sex, have sexual trauma, or are carrying around negative conditioning around sex, start exploring those areas with a professional. It’s also important to talk to your partner about what turns you on and when you’re turned on.
Learn more about your libido here:
Read – How to Deal With a Low Sex Drive (And What You Can to Boost It)
Read – 5 Libido Hacks for Women to Take Control of Their Sex Drive
Read – 6 Sex Issues a lot of Couples Face
Listen – Make Your Libido Great Again
Listen – Face-Sitting, Libido Boosting & Other Sex Goals for 2016
How do I prepare for anal sex?
Anal sex is more popular than ever. With that popularity comes a lot of first-time mishaps, inaccurate information, fear, pressure, and shame. Preparing for any kind of anal play should start very slowly. I never recommend going from zero to anal. Start when you are already warmed up with some light touching around the area. My top three tips for anal-course are going slow, using a lot of lube, and breathing. Just like with every sex act, make sure you are getting explicit consent, and that both you and your partner are interested in trying anal play together.
Read – The Dos and Don’ts of Anal
Read – Easing into Anal (Everything but Insertion)
Listen – Relax, It’s Just Anal with Dr. Hernando Chaves
Listen – Amateur Anal, Sex Myths & Swinging
Listen – Opening Up the (Back) Door to Anal Pleasure
How can I last longer during sex?
Ask yourself why you want to last longer during sex. Are you finishing before you’re ready? Is your partner asking you to last longer so that they can experience more pleasure? If you have a penis and want to last longer, you can try edging, a practice that allows you to strengthen your ejaculatory control. I’d also recommend experimenting with Kegels (they aren’t just for vulvas), which can help you strengthen your pelvic floor and define the ejaculatory muscles. Another method is simply to try masturbating a few hours before having sex. In some cases, your penis is just so psyched to be having sex that it wants to release ASAP.
Here are some of my tips for lasting longer in bed:
Read – Ask Emily: How Can I Last Longer in Bed
Read – 4 Tips for Lasting Longer in Bed
Read – 4 Ways to Close the Orgasm Gap
Listen – Make Sex Last Longer
Listen – Coming Together with Jeff Abraham
What are the best masturbation techniques?
The best masturbation techniques are whatever feels good to you! The key is experimentation—your masturbation journey is never over, so I encourage you to try new positions, toys, lube, and methods.
Vulva owners often find it pleasurable to experiment with different clitoral stimulation techniques. From circling your clitoris to playing with varying amounts of pressure, there is a world of pleasure that can be explored with fingers, toys, showerheads, and so much more. If you want to try internal stimulation, start by massaging your labia and clitoris and then slowly work your way inside the vagina. Remember to take your time and use lots of lube!
While masturbation for penis-owners may seem straight-forward, there are always ways to turn things up a notch. Many penis owners find that edging, the practice of coming close to orgasming but then stopping, can be a fun way to mix things up. There are also a ton of great toys available for penis owners—from masturbation sleeves to prostate toys to penis rings.
Here are some guides to help you discover what works best for you and your partner:
Read – The Best Masturbation Techniques to Try This Year
Read – Become A Clit Whisperer
Read – Your Go-To Guide to Touching Your Clit
Read – Mastering Multiple O’s: A Guide
Listen – Mix Up Your Masturbation Routine
Listen – Next Level : Masturbation Elevation
Listen – A Masturbation Medley Mash-up
What is mutual masturbation?
We tend to think of masturbation as a solo activity, but that doesn’t always have to be the case. Mutual masturbation can be a powerful and sensual experience for couples to try. Check out these 7 Mutual Masturbation Stories that prove it’s worth it!
Discover more on mutual masturbation:
Read – 8 Masturbation Myths Busted
Read – 7 Reasons to Add Masturbation to Your Relationship
Read – Ask Emily: Why Does My Partner Want to Watch Me Masturbate?
Listen – Sexual Exploration & Mutual Masturbation
Listen – Coming Together with Jeff Abraham
What is edging, and how do I do it?
Edging is the practice of coming close to orgasm but then stopping the body from climaxing. Some people edge to prolong sexual activity. Have you ever wanted to last longer in bed? Looking for a more intense orgasm? Ever get into the groove and then prematurely get to your destination? Then edging might be for you.
Here are some tips and tricks to not only work on your stamina but to practice the art of edging:
Read – Edging 101 Guide
Read – Edging for Everyone: The Orgasm Workout
Read – Multiple Orgasms For Men: Just a Myth?
Listen – Orgasms, Affairs & Sexual Stamina
Listen – Open Relationships, Edging and Bisexuality w/ Jason Ellis and Nico Tortorella
How do I get over a breakup?
Breakups can be incredibly painful, but they aren’t necessarily a bad thing. Often, breakups are an incredible time for growth and self-exploration. An important first step is acknowledging that it takes time to heal and that it will eventually get better. Investing in self-care and finding healthy distractions can help you cope with the pain of loss. Start a new hobby. Reach out to trusted family members and friends. Pick up a skill you’ve always wanted to learn. Try out new exercise routines. Make you and your needs a top priority. You got this!
Want more support? Check out these articles and podcasts:
Read – Getting Over That Gut-wrenching Breakup
Listen – Big Little Breakup
Listen – The Break-Up Break Down
How can I get better at oral sex?
Oral sex is one of the most intimate acts you can share with a partner—it’s also one of the most pleasurable. Since you know how much I love pleasure, let’s take a moment to focus on our oral game by reviewing the basics. Remember that oral sex involves using the mouth to stimulate the genitals (a penis,vulva or anus) of a partner. As with most sexual play, start slow and build anticipation. Take your time to kiss around your partner’s body, teasing their inner and outer thighs before you move towards their genitals. My top tips for giving oral are to pay attention, learn what they like, participate with enthusiasm and make some noise. Experiment with your fingers, toys, and some flavored lube. Oh, and don’t let the name “oral sex” stop you from using your hands! Adding variety will enhance your ability to please even more.
Even more tips for great oral play are listed below:
Read – 6 Oral Sex Tips for Going Down on a Vulva
Read – How To Give a Better Blowjob
Read – Mind-Blowing Oral in Under 5 Minutes: The Kivin Method
Read – Ask Emily: I Hate Giving My Partner Oral Sex
Listen – Owning Your Oral: 15 Years of Good Head
Listen – For the Love of Oral
Listen – All The Oral You Can Handle
Listen – Oral Expectations
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